Journey
by lexlady
Summary: The road to happiness is long and paved with joy and sorrow, detours and pit stops and as Lucas and Peyton will find out, sometimes we lose our way altogether. BrookeLucas, JakePeyton, LucasPeyton.
1. Chapter 1

"I love you!" Peyton blurted and instantly regretted the words as soon as they flew from her lips. She pressed her hands to her mouth in shock, swallowing the sob that bubbled up.

Lucas just stared at her with a mix of incredulity and disbelief. Brooke was right! He had dismissed her claims that Peyton was in love with him from the get go. His surprisingly violent reaction to her claims gave him pause for only a moment. Peyton had never been in love with him. What they had, had been….Lucas shook his head. It had been confusing, frustrating, and amazing from start to finish. But it had not been love.

Lucas stared at this woman who had become his friend, companion, and confidant over the course of a year. He still found it amazing that they could remain so close despite their passionate beginnings. On the same lines he found it amazing that they had never slept together. It was like something always came in the way, like they were never meant to be.

Brooke has nestled into his heart before he could fully make things right with Peyton after the Jenna debacle. He became so caught up with trying to make things right with Brooke that he lost sight of Peyton and then she was there again and they were as close as ever. He toyed with the title of Buddy and found that Peyton, though their camaraderie couldn't be denied, did not fit in that place reserved for friends you drank with and told dirty jokes to, although they'd done both. She was so much more than that and far more attractive than any of his actual buddies.

Peyton was a very close friend that would always remain in his "what if" category. Truth be told, he hadn't thought of her that way much that year at all. There were moments when he was alone at night, in the quiet of his room and subconscious she would creep up, with hands running down his chest and lips so utterly soft and supple. He only gave into those thoughts for a moment and in his dreams.

Now, his friend, Brooke's best friend was laying this on him? On prom night. Brooke had refused his pleading invite and had taken Mouth instead, much to the smaller boy's chagrin. He in turn asked Peyton. It had taken a rose at her door, two 80's punk rock LP's and a hell of a lot of begging to get her there. He was starting to regret the idea now. They should've just gone out for pizza and played gin instead.

They were standing on the beach in a tux and gown for crying out loud. He shook his head in disbelief and realized that she was saying something.

"I'm sorry Lucas, oh god. Please just forget I said anything. I didn't mean-I mean it-I'm sorry-" Peyton was inching away from him and Lucas, despite the warning bells going off in his head, his heart reached out for his crying friend. His 'buddy.'

He grasped her hand and stepped closer to her when his tug was met with resistance. The idea was to hug her….it really was.

Lucas found himself staring into Peyton's eyes and he just had to know. Brooke seemed to think it was still there and Peyton…well hell Peyton loved him. He'd spent so long trying to convince Brooke that he was the guy for her that he hadn't stopped to think. What if she wasn't the girl for him? Suddenly nothing made sense. He wasn't sure about any of it so he opened Pandora's box. He paused for only a second long enough for Peyton to shake her head and whisper his name,

"Luke, this is dangerous." But he had to know.

He pressed his lips to hers and it was just as he'd remembered in his dreams. Her lips were soft and supple and tasted of fruit punch and the salt of her tears. His alarm bells had gone on full alert and at that point he knew he should pull away, but the warmth of her mouth was like coming home to a fire and afghan after a winter storm. His tongue nestled between her lips, stroking her tongue and tasting her mouth like it was a sweet and decadent dessert. Peyton whimpered and Lucas was lost. His hands which had been caressing her face moved so that he could encircled her body with his arms. He held her to him tightly his hands splaying out low on her back. And then he came back to himself.

WHAT was he DOING?! He pulled away with a jerk and blinked at her for a few moments as though awakening from a dream. Peyton began to cry silently feeling cold in the aftermath of the maelstrom that was their passion.

"Peyton," he began only to stop realizing her name came out choked and filled with emotion. "What the hell-"

He looked around quickly and was relieved to find that Brooke wasn't there as she usually was when he royally screwed up with Peyton.

"We can't DO this again. I won't do this to her again! You may have fucked things up with Jake, but I am not making Brooke pay for it again!" No sooner had the hateful words left his mouth, that Peyton with all her might, slapped him hard across the face and fell to her knees sobbing.

Lucas looked down at Peyton with eyes wide, wishing harder than he'd ever wished before that he could take those words back.

"Oh my god Peyton," he whispered.

"How can you SAY that to me! How can YOU say that to ME!" Peyton cried looking up at him with hurt and betrayal in her eyes.

"Peyton, I am so sorry." Lucas fell to his knees in front of her. "I didn't mean it. I didn't. God I'm sorry."

"You kissed me Luke. YOU kissed ME. That was your tongue in my mouth looking for gold, not the other way around. God I am so WEAK," she cried. And it was true. She was never able to pull away when she should have when Lucas put his hands on her, his mouth on her.

"No Peyton, I'm weak. I'm sorry that-I'm sorry!" His hands grasped air, as Peyton stood up.

"You don't have the right to say that to me." She sobbed stepping away from him as his fingers tried to hold onto her. "You don't."

She ran away, leaving him with his horrible words echoing in his ears.

"DAMMIT!" He cried punching the sand. He rocked on his knees and looked up at the sky. "You proud of me Keith?" He asked in a broken voice.

"Lucas?" Lucas swung around to find his best friend standing two feet away from him, with both eyebrows raised. Uh oh.

"Haley. What are you doing here?"

"Um, watching my best friend pummel sand," she replied and paused weighing her next words. "and repeating past mistakes."

Lucas sighed. "You saw that?"

"You're lucky I was the only one who did. Luke, what are you doing? Brooke is not even fifty feet away and you're making out with Peyton?"

"I was not making out with Peyton," Lucas bit, annoyed at the tone she was taking with him. This was embarrassing. Haley was not just his best friend, but she and Brooke had become quite close as well. He wondered…

"No I won't tell Brooke," Haley said reading the questioning look on his face. "But I hate you putting me in this situation again."

"Maybe if you weren't so snoopy, Hales."

"That's not funny Lucas, seriously."

"I know, I know. She told me she loved me Haley."

"Lucas I understand that you are a gentleman but you don't kiss every girl who proclaims their love for you," Haley said only half kidding. Her best friend was gentlemanly to a fault. He was the one who would lay down in the mud for a lady to step on if he didn't have a jacket. This characteristic made her wonder in the beginning when Lucas began to pursue Brooke in earnest.

"It's not just any girl Hales. It's Peyton." He looked at her, willing her to see the heaviness of it. This was no random girl. This was the girl he'd offered his whole soul and heart to, only to have her step on it.

"It's Peyton," he repeated. "I didn't plan this, I just I had to know if the feelings were still there. I had to-"

"Scratch an itch?"

"Fine if you want to say it like that, yeah."

"And? Was it what you'd thought it would be?"

"I'm as surprised as you are Haley. I didn't even realize, until I kissed her again in that moment…." Lucas shook his head. Why are you lying, he asked himself. "I saw it coming. And it felt even better than I thought it would and it hurt as much too."

"And Brooke?"

Lucas looked at her and shook his head. "I don't know, Hales. It all got so damn complicated. It might not matter anyway. After what I said to Peyton after that kiss, I don't think she'll ever speak to me again."

"Yeah, I saw her slap you. What did you say to her?" Haley asked forcefully.

Lucas shook his head and looked at his friend, who's capacity for compassion always astounded him. "It was unforgivable, Haley."

"Then why'd you say it?"

There was the two billion dollar question. Why did he say what he said to Peyton and why had he discounted Brooke's claims so forcefully? It all became abundantly clear as all things seem to after you've gone and fucked it all up. He turned to Haley and whispered,

"I'm in love with her too Haley."

Please review


	2. Chapter 2

**Just to clarify a few things...I began penning this story before season four. Karen isn't pregnant in this story and is still greatly affected by Keith's death. The timeline of this story won't make any sense either since it starts with prom and I am aware that most proms occur soon before graduation. That is no the case in this story. I think it's the only thing that is screwy timewise in the fic.**

He couldn't go home and he wasn't really in the mood to boogie down without his date there, after what had happened. He knew he should have gone to find Brooke. To try and make things right between them, but he had to find Peyton. He may have ruined things with Brooke, but he would not lose Peyton. Brooke may be mad that he didn't try to look for her, but he had to apologize to Peyton for what he said to her.

He hugged Haley and set off looking for her in every place he could think of. She was no where to be found. Finally he turned onto her street and saw the light on in her room.

About several months ago, Peyton's father had given him a key.

"For when I'm away. You know how to use a rake. Watch my girl."

He was away this week, so he quietly let himself in.

She was lying in her bed, still in her prom dress. She had kicked off her shoes and lay curled in on herself, her face splotchy and red from crying. Her room looked like a tornado had struck. Drawings had been torn down and ripped to pieces and the LP's he'd bought her were broken. Just like her heart, he thought feeling the overwhelming urge to comfort her any way he could.

"Go away Lucas." Her voice a thin whisper from her bed was shaking and tear filled.

"Peyton, I'm not leaving….until you let me apologize for what I said to you. It was unforgivable."

"Apologize then and go." She turned from him and Lucas sighed. He sidled towards her bed and sat down at the foot of it.

"Peyton, please look at me." She refused to budge. He leaned over and touched her leg, wincing when she pulled it away. He moved onto the bed and leaned his arm across her, so she couldn't move.

"Lucas get off me."

"Peyton I need you to listen."

"God, fine. When did you become such a bully." Peyton whined petulantly throwing her head to the side.

"Peyton, look at me. God please just look at me."

After a beat, hearing the desperation in his voice she did.

"Peyton, what I said to you. I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. You know I would never intentionally hurt you. You know that right?"

Peyton just stared at him. "Why did you do that Luke? It's bad enough having Brooke mad at me and these feelings I have…you were never supposed to know. And then it just came out. I know you love Brooke so why did you do that?"

Lucas stared down at her, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with their close proximity he removed his arm and turned.

"I'm sorry that I did that to you Peyt. It was insensitive to you."

Peyton knew he was sidestepping the question, but chose to ignore it.

"Do you know I went to see Jake a few weeks ago?"

Lucas turned to look at her, surprised. She hadn't mentioned anything to him. "No I didn't."

"I did. Jenny has gotten so big," she smiled at the memory of Jenny at the airport, Jenny in her arms. "I proposed to him Lucas. And he said no. He told me-" Peyton choked. Lucas put a comforting hand on her arm.

"Did you know I talk in my sleep?" She looked up him asking the question with a smile in her voice.

"Yeah actually. That night Rachel got you hammered and you found your way back to my room….potty mouth. So, what did you say?"

Peyton stared at him. "I said I love….Lucas."

Lucas stared at her in shock.

"He said I needed to see if you were still in my heart Lucas. That night before Haley and Nathan's wedding at Tryst, I knew. I missed out on both chances with Jake…for YOU." She looked at him with a look that could only be described as bitter and hurt. He thought back to the fight he and Brooke had at Nathan and Haley's reception. "How do I get in there?!" she'd cried pointing to his heart. He looked down at Peyton.

"And am I? Still in your heart?

Peyton looked up at him with tired eyes. "Am I?" She countered. He looked down at the scar on her leg from a bullet wound from a day he would never forget. A permanent reminder that life was fleeting and at times hurtful. He traced the wound with his finger and then looked up into her eyes. The answer was so achingly clear, he was surprised he'd never given thought to it before.

His reply, "God, yes." had been ripped from the very center of his soul and it felt so good to let it go.

Peyton shut her eyes and a tear squeezed out. With that proclamation he reached his hand out to wipe a way a tear and stroke her cheek, staring into her eyes and silently asking if he was forgiven.

"Peyton, what I said to you…I'm so sorry."

Peyton stared back at him for a moment, before nodding imperceptibly. Lucas smiled lightly and pulled Peyton into his arms for a hug before laying down with her. There were no more words, there was no passionate kiss. Neither of them knew what this meant for them, where to go from there, but they had been there before.

They were older and a little wiser. Unlike their younger selves they chose not to give into unbridled physical passion. They were at an impasse. Lucas knew it was his job to get them past this and the road ahead would be bumpy. Lucas wasn't even sure where the damn road was headed. All he knew was he was helplessly in love with Peyton Sawyer…and hopelessly in love with Brooke Davis.

It was so complicated, but at that moment there was only one thing that mattered, that he knew without any doubt. She loved him and he loved her. So that night…they just stared at one another. Lucas smoothed her cheek with his hand and sighed. They fell asleep with their finger tangled together as their hearts have always been.

Lucas woke up just after dawn. He was slightly disoriented and only a little bit confused when the hair his fingers were laced though was blonde instead of dark brown. He and Peyton had curled themselves around each other the night before and she felt wonderful in his arms.

In the silence of the morning he gave himself over to the feeling of waking up with Peyton Sawyer in his arms. They were both wearing far too many clothes for his taste, but her hair smelled of flowers and her skin was soft under his hand…Her body, pressed against his own felt like an extension of himself.

He nuzzled her head with his nose and inhaled deeply. Leaning down, he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"What are we going to do Peyt?" He whispered to the sleeping girl. Peyton snuggled closer to Lucas and tried to wrap him around herself. It was like she was trying to bury herself in him.

You already did that, he thought. He couldn't stay here though. With his luck, Brooke would choose that morning to make things right with Peyton.

Regretfully, he slowly disengaged himself from Peyton. He went to her dresser and scribbled a quick note, so she wouldn't think he'd just abandoned her like a one night stand.

He turned around and looked down at the woman lying in bed and shook his head in amazement. It was like waking up from a dream, realizing his love for her. So different from Brooke. They were night and day. Which one would he let go of though?

Leaning down he stroked Peyton's face and hair affectionately and impulsively leaned down to kiss her cheek. He considered only for a moment kissing her mouth, but quickly disregarded the idea. That's what always seemed to get him into trouble. So he opted to softly kiss her eye instead, needing to press his lips to another part of her face.

Her eyes fluttered, she muttered something about guitars and corn flakes and with a sigh drifted back under. He quirked one side of his mouth and whispered,

"Sleep tight," his gaze moistened and he blinked back sudden tear. His next words were so soft, he could barely hear them himself. "My love."

Lucas stood and left the room with only a brief glance back. He'd hurt them both so badly. He had to make a choice, but he wasn't sure if he was strong enough to do it. What if he made the wrong choice? What if there wasn't a choice to be made? What if they both opted against being with him. Where would that leave him?

Lucas shut the car off and sat in front of his mother's house for a long moment before slowly stepping out. As he walked up the steps in his rumpled tux, his next door neighbor out getting his paper yelled out.

"Y'ouch. The walk of shaaaame. Have fun at the prom?"

Lucas smiled indulgently. "Yeah!" he waved and under his breath muttered "Tons," as he pushed his way in.

His mother was up as usual. Washing a coffee cup. He regarded her with a frown. He had never gotten his mother back after the shooting. She was only a shadow of the confident, fun-loving, independent person she once was. Between her harsh words to him and her broken-heartedness from losing Keith, he didn't know what to say to her most times. It hurt. He had always been able to talk to his mother. They were slowly trying to build their relationship back, but sometimes…it was like talking to a shell. He had had to mourn two parents that fateful month.

"Hey ma."

"Lucas. How was your prom honey, did you and Peyton have a good time?"

"Yeah…yeah we did."

"Did you see Brooke?" She looked at her son expectantly. That was another thing. His mother loved Brooke. She loved Peyton too, but she and Brooke had a very close friendship.

Lucas thought for a moment. Had he seen Brooke? Oh yeah, she had scowled at him and Peyton when they entered Tric arm in arm.

"Yeah. I saw her."

"Well?"

Lucas shook his head and turned away. She stared at him for a moment before turning back to rewashing the same coffee cup. Lucas looked at her and felt the sting of tears. All he wanted was to have her hold him, to kiss it and make it all better like she did when ever he came home crying.

"She's still mad at me…because of Peyton."

Karen regarded her son for a moment, took in his rumpled clothing and lost expression. There was an inherent sadness in his eyes that had been securely placed there since Keith's death and had never really left. She took some responsibility for not being strong for him, for blaming him. In that one heated moment when the pain of losing Keith and the sheer injustice of it came to a head, she had lashed out at her son. Her beautiful boy. And though she hated herself for it, a small part of her still blamed him and his devotion to a girl who could never truly be happy.

"Where did you stay last night?" She asked suddenly. Lucas sighed and looked up at his mother. He decided not to lie.

"I stayed at Peyton's. It's not like that-" he quickly amended after the look she gave him. "Nothing happened." Okay so he sort of lied.

Karen seemed to relax a bit and it made Lucas wonder.

"Mom, do you have a problem with Peyton?"

"No son, I love Peyton, it's just that-She's a very sad young woman. She has so much potential, but there's a sadness there."

"Well, can you blame her mom? I mean she's lost people that she loves. She lost her mother twice. You know how it feels to lose someone. Maybe that sadness is always there." He regarded Karen. He wondered if that sadness in her would ever go away and he wondered if she suddenly saw herself in the younger woman. Did the sadness she saw there frighten her? It frightened him.

"Lucas, I'm just saying…people do things they wouldn't normally do when they're sad."

"Okay mom."

"Brooke is a great girl Luke." She stared at him seeing the war waging within him. "Maybe you should think about how much you want Peyton in your life."

Lucas looked at her sharply. "She's my friend. I won't abandon my friends. I've done it once before and we all see where that led. Keith is gone and nothing in this house or Tree Hill will ever be the same. Ever."

"Lucas. That-That wasn't your fault."

"Wasn't it," Lucas snapped looking at his mother with tearful eyes, reliving her harsh words. "Mom?"

Karen just stared at him, at a loss for words. Lucas nodded, turned and walked to his room leaving Karen to wonder if they would ever find their way back.


	3. Chapter 3

Brooke stormed out of yet another one of her favorite boutiques, ready to commit murder. Shopping was not doing it for her this morning and it usually did what it was supposed to do when she needed a pick me up.

Let's face it Brooke you need more than a pick me up. You need to throttle someone. Lucas had approached her once during the prom and like the good drama queen she could be, she told him to go back to his date. Unfortunately he did and she hadn't seen him since.

She'd lost sight of him and Peyton half way through the night and her mind had jumped to several different conclusions all of which ended with her boyfriend and best friend in bed.

"I will not cry," she muttered. As she turned the corner she ran into Haley and Nathan. "Watch where you're-oh my god. Haley, Nathan." She sighed. "Watch where you're going!"

Haley winced and Nathan raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, um skip Starbucks this morning?" Haley asked crossing her arms.

"No. I'm sorry for psycho bitching all over you." She sighed and looked pleadingly a Nathan. "Can you go away?"

Haley gave a Nathan a 'sorry, whatareyougonnadothat'smafriendbrooke' smile.

"Um, yeah I'll just…be in here." Nathan ducked into the closest door they were standing to.

"Does he know that's a lingerie boutique?"

Haley smiled. "Oh I'm sure he does now. I wonder what goodies he's gonna spring on me tonight."

"Ooo, what kinda goodies, the crotchless panty kind?" Haley let out a yelp and turned several shades of red.

"Ah! Brooke!"

"Hey don't knock it till you try it,"

"That was way too much information. Okay so you made my husband run away crying. You are not happy? Now, what's up?"

"Did you see Lucas or Peyton last night at all?"

Haley flushed. Damn you Lucas, she raged. "Um, yeah. Yeah I saw them. They both looked sort of miserable though."

"What kind of miserable, like we shouldn't have had sex in the bathroom, I hope Brooke doesn't find out miserable or a I miss my girlfriend and I miss my best friend kind of miserable?"

"Um….I don't know…Just, um miserable. Look Brooke, I think you and Lucas just need to talk things out. Just-Just get it all out there. You're just hurting yourselves by letting it drag itself out. I mean look at you. You've been out here what half an hour and all you have is a single Cranberries cd. That's not the Brooke Davis I know."

"He didn't look for me Haley. I haven't heard from him. What if he and Peyton…"

"I'm sure they didn't," Haley said, hoping to God it wasn't a lie.

"Then what if he got tired of waiting for me?"

"He loves you Brooke."

"What if…what if I'm tired of waiting for him?"

This was a great idea, Peyton thought to herself as she slowly and painstakingly alphabetized every record Tric owned. It was just the thing she needed to keep her mind off of Lucas and Brooke.

When she awoke to find Lucas' note instead of Lucas beside her, she had been relieved. She didn't want to deal with the ramifications of the night before, of all that had been said and what it meant for them all. Peyton sighed.

You wouldn't be hiding out in Tric if you had kept your big damn mouth shut, she thought. So why had she said it?

The day Lucas had showed up at her house with two records of her favorite punk rock band and a puppy dog face, Peyton had already decided to go to prom-alone. Lucas had asked her before, but she'd turned him down or at least she thought she had. Her "What? Are you crazy? Shut up Lucas," seemed to her like a sound 'no,' but he was determined to change her mind.

"Peyton, after all we've been through… we owe it to ourselves to go."

"Luke, I'm going alone." Lucas had sighed and pulled the yellow rose from behind his back.

"Peyt, please? It's our prom."

"But…" Peyton felt herself weakening. "Brooke."

Lucas looked down, determined not to feel guilty. "I know. I know, but it's our prom too Peyton. Now I still don't know what's going on between you two, because you won't tell me, but you can't keep punishing yourself for it. We get one prom. Brooke is taking Mouth and I wouldn't take anyone else."

Peyton was still unconvinced. "Oh come on Peyt. It's you and me here. It's us. Don't make me get down on my knees here on your front porch, Peyton. I'll do it."

Peyton had stared at him in disbelief and then raised an eyebrow. Lucas in turn had shook his head and did what he said he would. He'd gotten down on one knee and offered her the rose. For anyone else watching it seemed he was proposing marriage instead of proposing she go to prom with him.

"Lucas what are you doing?" She looked around wildly hoping no one was watching this. "Get-up!" She hissed.

"Come to the prom with me," he'd countered.

"Luke!"  
"Peyton. It's us. Why go alone when we're gonna be attached at the hip anyways. Com on." He'd taken her hand and grinned up at her. "Please. PLEASE!"

"God! Okay, okay. Now get up you goof," she said tugging on his shoulder sleeve. Lucas stood with a half cocked smile that was as infuriating as it was endearing.

"Gimme those," she'd said snatching the flowers and records.

Peyton had given in. She always did when it came to Lucas. Going to prom had even seemed like a good idea until she ran into Brooke and Haley while shopping for a dress.

"Be sure to pick out something nice and slutty Peyton. Maybe you'll get lucky."

Haley's eyes bugged out at Brooke. Before she could admonish her friend Peyton had spoken up.

"You're going with Mouth. Brooke he asked me to go with him. What did you expect him to sit at home alone on his prom night and pine away for you?"

"I expected my so called best friend to NOT go to prom with my boyfriend who she just happens to be in LOVE with!"

"Keep your voice down," Peyton muttered.

"Oh that's right, you like to keep secrets and sneak around when it comes to Lucas. I forgot."

"Brooke, I was being honest with you. God why does this bother you so much? If you would've just stopped being such a baby then you would be going with Lucas, not me. He asked me so I'm going. Nothing is going to happen."

"Spoken like a true slut."

"Brooke!" Haley cried, shocked beyond belief at how cruel and unfair Brooke was being to Peyton. She wasn't sure what exactly was going on between the friends, but this level of fighting could only mean one thing. Lucas.

Peyton was pretty fed up with Brooke herself. There was only so much abuse a person could take especially from a friend.

"No Haley it's okay. It takes one to know one."

"Yet you're going to prom with him."

"You won't go with him Brooke! No matter how else I may feel, Lucas and I are friends first. Period. If you don't open your eyes and stop seeing yourself as the victim he'll be gone just like that."

So it had been anger that had fueled her decision to go, up until that night.


	4. Chapter 4

Peyton stood in front of her full length mirror, dressed and ready to go to the prom at 6:56. At around 6:57 she decided not to go. What had she been thinking saying yes to Lucas' proposal? She was trying to stay out of their relationship, trying to make things right with Brooke and trying to keep from sharing her feelings with Lucas.

Her choice of dress was almost fitting for tonight. She was in a strapless black evening dress that was not unlike the red dress she wore for Haley and Nathan's wedding. Her hair was swept back, much in the same manner and silver strappy sandals adorned her feet. Her makeup was pretty natural aside from her eyes which were smoky and dark. She looked like she was going to a funeral, an incredibly trendy funeral, but a funeral none the less.

"What are you doing Peyton?" She asked her reflection. This is a bad idea. She had begun wringing her hands and jumping from foot to foot when Lucas knocked lightly and entered her room decked out in a tux.

"Oh, Luke," Peyton said, unenthused.

"Oh Peyt," Lucas mimicked, his eyes taking her in from top to bottom. He smiled gently. "You look amazing. You also look like you're about to vomit."

Peyton laughed despite her nervousness. "Thanks Lucas, you sure know how to make a girl feel pretty."

"Yeah well," Lucas shrugged and pulled the red rose he had from behind his back. "When my words fail me…" He chuckled a little as Peyton made a little sound and stepped forward to touch the rose.

"I don't think I'm gonna go Lucas," she blurted. The smile had faded immediately from his face.

"What?!"

"I-Well I was just thinking that maybe this isn't such a great idea with-you know with Brooke and…stuff."

"Oh come on Peyton, give me a break. We've been over this."

"I know! I know, but I ran into Brooke shopping for this dress and well, she was really mad at me Luke and I was mad too, but now I don't think we should go together."

"What did she say to you?"

"It doesn't matter what she said to me Lucas. Brooke is my best friend and your girlfriend, doesn't that-this bother you?"

"Of course it bothers me. I'm fully aware of her position in our lives, but she hasn't exactly won any awards in those departments recently. I won't even tell you the out there stuff she threw at me the other day."

"What did she tell you?" Peyton asked, dubiously. Lucas looked at her for a moment and then shook his head.

"It's nothing-It doesn't even warrant repeating. Peyton I just want us to make the best of our prom. You only get one and I'm not gonna let you sit here alone and listen to DeathCab. We deserve this Peyton. We deserve to have fun tonight."

Lucas sighed and dropped his arms to his sides. "After the year we've had, we deserve it more than anyone. I know that Brooke is upset about what went down in the library, but there is so much more going on under the surface and you know we'll get to that. We'll deal with it, but tonight…" Lucas took two long steps towards Peyton and took her hands in his.

"Tonight, I just want to forget all that bullshit and go to my prom with my friend Peyton Sawyer. It's you and me here Peyt. It's us. And if you don't go, I certainly am not going."

He saw her beginning to falter in her resolve. He grinned. "We can sit here and drink beer and play gin instead. But I personally feel that that would be a shame, because frankly you Peyton Sawyer look stunning and I have to say I look pretty damn sexy myself." Peyton laughed and punched him in the shoulder.

"Yeah I guess it would be a shame to let all the ladies of Tree Hill down."

"I'm not going for the ladies Peyt. I'm going for you. Now come here and lemme pin you."

All of Tree Hill High was decked out and ready to party as Tric quickly filled to capacity. Despite her unease she still felt a thrill at seeing so many people in her club. The feeling was still there after a year of being open.

She felt Lucas tense up on her and looked over to see Brooke scowling at them. She wondered how it was possible to look mad as hell and totally hurt at the same time.

She started to unhook her arm from Lucas's, but he tightened his hold on her and looked down at her.

"Hey, where you goin' date?" Peyton gave him a wobbly smile. Despite his joking, she could tell that he desperately wanted to go over and say something to Brooke.

"Go talk to her Luke." But Lucas shook his head.

"I don't abandon my dates." He turned and put his hands on her shoulders. "Tonight is your night too." With that they commenced with the merry making.

They talked to friends and danced and after awhile Peyton was actually having a good time. They were dancing beside Nathan and Haley. Nathan and Lucas were laughing over something that made Haley blush and roll her eyes.

At the perplexed look Lucas saw on Peyton's face he leaned in and whispered the dirtiest joke, she'd heard in a long time. Peyton turned bright red and squealed as Haley nodded and said "Thank you! SO gross!"

Lucas and Nathan laughed clearly amused with themselves. Peyton shook her head and managed to swat them both at the same time.

"Oh like you don't know any dirty jokes, Peyt," Lucas said.

"Oh let's see. What did the dick say to the PI?"

"OH MY GOSH!"

"Okay I think Haley might have a coronary," Lucas laughed.

"Whatever Luke, you told me that one."

"I did not!"

"Liar!" Peyton laughed shoving him slightly. Lucas laughed and the song suddenly slowed. Lucas instinctively pulled her closer and placed his hands on her hips. Peyton felt herself flush and thanked God for the low lighting.

He grinned at her, oblivious of her discomfort.

"I've never told you a single dirty joke, Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer. What kinda guy do you take me for?" Lucas said continuing the joking.

"Promiscuous," they both sang at the same time. They laughed and Peyton answered his question with a smirk.

"Oh I don't know. How about one that's full of shit," Peyton jabbed, laughing. Lucas chuckled and threw his head back.

"Oh-Ouch," Lucas feigned a blow to the heart before pulling her back to him. Their merriment suddenly stopped as abruptly as a car crash. Neither could look away.

Haley looked nervously from the couple to Nathan, who merely raised a brow at her and then to Brooke, who was watching the whole thing from Mouth's arms.

Peyton was the first to look away. It was like forcing a magnet apart. Lucas's brows furrowed and he pressed his chin against her forehead and rubbed her back, comfortingly. He was torn between wanting to stay with Peyton and going to talk to Brooke.

Peyton's gaze blurred and then suddenly rested on Brooke who was two feet away with Mouth. There was something in her eyes as she watched them that Peyton couldn't read. It made her want to shrivel up and die.

She pulled away from Lucas, murmuring something about the restroom and left him in the middle of the dance floor feeling very confused.

One minute they were laughing and joking and the next minute Peyton bolts. He looked briefly at Haley and Nathan before going after Peyton. Something had passed between Peyton and Brooke and he was pretty sure it had to do with him.

Why don't you just walk away? Lucas had asked himself. Brooke was his girlfriend after all. He had more of an allegiance to her, but he couldn't walk away from Peyton. Not tonight.

Lucas followed Peyton outside.

"Peyton?"

"I just needed some air Luke. Go back inside." Peyton said all this without turning around, arms wrapped around herself, he knew that pose well. She was protecting herself from the big bad world, because she'd spent her entire life doing it.

Lucas knew that if he went back inside now she would leave. She would run away like Cinderella at midnight. Brooke wouldn't let him be her Prince Charming so tonight he would be Peyton's.

"I'm not goin' anywhere Peyton. What's up?" He rubbed her back and felt her tense up for a moment before relaxing back into him.

"I just-You should be here with Brooke." She turned on him and regarded him with serious, guilt stricken eyes. "It should be Brooke in there joking around with you and dancing like that, not me." Lucas suppressed a scream of frustration.

"Says who?" He demanded. "Brooke? Because I seem to remember her blowing me off at every fucking turn. And she doesn't get my dirty jokes so I don't tell them to her. Peyton. Are we friends?"

"Yeah, Luke. We're friends." Lucas stared at her for a moment because of the peculiar way she said those words.

"And I've never been dishonest with you."  
"No you haven't."

"Then trust me when I say, Peyton Sawyer that there is no one else I would rather be here with. No one." Peyton looked up at him, eyes shining.

"Really?"

"Yeah." Lucas hugged her and Peyton hugged him back. After a moment Lucas began to sway with her, dancing to the strains of music they could here coming from inside.

"What can I do to make you smile right now Peyton?"

"You make me smile Lucas," Peyton amended. Lucas hummed a response and then pulled back to grin at her.

"We could sing some Journey." They had been on a Journey kick the month before. Lucas would come over and they would fire up a cd and sing at the top of their lungs.

"No," Peyton was grinning and before she could get the next word out Lucas was holding a fake microphone in one hand her body in the other as their swaying became more exaggerated and he began a loud and horrible rendition of "Don't Stop Believin". He started swinging her around and she couldn't help but start cracking up.

"Come on sing with me-" Peyton rolled her eyes and started singing along. Lucas grinned from ear to ear as they sang, happy to see her happy. Neither of them were gonna win any contests. For two people who loved music so much they couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, but it was them.

"A singer in a smokey room! A smell of wine and cheap perfume! For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on."  
For the moment, Lucas was happy with his initial decision to stay with Peyton instead of go after Brooke. There was no one else who he'd rather be with, no one else he could be this crazy with.  
"Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard, Their shadows searching in the night. Streetlights, people Livin' just to find emotion!"

As they danced and sang Peyton began to realize something. There was no one else she could do this with, no one else she would want to do this with…except Brooke. Peyton suddenly remembered the other reason she didn't want to come-her heart.

Peyton's eyes suddenly burned with tears and she stopped singing abruptly, causing Lucas to stop and look at her with concern.

"Peyton?"

"I-" She looked into his eyes full of concern and caring. She couldn't think of anything else to do, but run. So she did.

"Peyton!"

Walking in heels looked like a daunting task to Lucas, but the way Peyton was running in them, made him rethink his thoughts. Peyton slowed when she got to the beach and kicked off her shoes.

"Peyton!" Lucas grabbed her arm and spun her around. "Seriously. What's wrong? One minute we're dancing and laughing and the next minute you-"

Lucas had a hold of her arms and watched as she began to cry and shake her head.

"-you're crying. Peyton." Lucas pulled her into his arms and held her. For a long time they just stood like that while Peyton cried.

"I can't Luke. I can't. I can't help it."

"Can't help what? Is there something I can do? I know you aren't having your period and it's scary that I know that," Lucas added trying to lighten the mood. He even new her monthly cycle. He knew it better than he knew Brooke's. That's how close they were and that wasn't right.

"Peyton, please tell me what's wrong so I can help you. There isn't anything you can tell me that we can't try and get through together."

"You can't help me with this Lucas," Peyton had said pulling away from her safe place.

"Peyton it can't possibly be that bad that it's upsetting you like this. Is it Brooke? What did she say something to you? What did she say to you?"

"Lucas just drop it please."

"No! This is our prom night and you're crying and I hate seeing you cry! I'm here Peyton. Don't push me away, I want to be here for you. Let me help you!"

"You can't!"

"Why!?"

"Because-because.."

"Peyton? What!"

"I love you!"

That silenced him and Peyton was mortified. This was horrible! She tried to bite back the sob with hand. Pure mortification, if not for the fact that she just told her best friend's boyfriend that she was in love with him, than for the look of disbelief plastered across his face.

And then he had kissed her. He'd kissed her and if she'd had any doubts about leaving Jake and jeopardizing her relationship with Brooke, they flew out the window when Lucas slipped his tongue into her mouth and held her the way she had always dreamed he would.

And then he spoke and she was the bad person again. She was the 'other'.

Peyton shook her head and looked down at the record in her hands. Journey.

"Great," she murmured. Impulsively she stood and put the record on. As the guitar strains began Peyton leaned against the counter and thought about the night before after Lucas admitted his feelings for her. He never actually said I love you too, but she was still in his heart. And then there was the note he left for her when she woke up. She'd almost missed it.

It read -_Hey Peyton, I had to get home. I'll talk to you later. Luke._ And that had been it. So now she was left to wonder what last night meant for them. Did he mean to bury it? Or was she truly in his heart still in any real way?

Even if it was true and she was, he was still with Brooke and she wouldn't be that person again. Even if her friendship with Brooke was over, she wouldn't be that person. Even so, she allowed herself a moment to remember how it felt to sleep in the cocoon of his arms the night before.

She was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn't hear Haley coming up behind her. "Oh Lord," she groaned. Peyton jumped slightly and found Haley behind her, with her hands on her hips.

"Is it Journey again?"

"Oh no," Peyton amended. "I just-I dunno. Hey do you remember when Lucas, Nathan, you, and I went out to sing karaoke?"

Haley threw a hand to her face and laughed. "How could I forget. Just when I thought I couldn't be any more mortified, after you three butcher a perfectly good Pink Floyd song, you go on to murder Journey-"

"Hey wasn't it worth it to see the two Scott boys make asses of themselves," Peyton laughed.

"You aren't winning any contests either."

"Hey we can't all be recording artists Hales."

"Well, I suppose not."

"So what's up?"

"Oh I came by to see if you needed any help with the clean up, you know just to see, what you-"

"Oh well thanks, but the clean up crew did a great job….So why are you really here, Haley?" Peyton fixed Haley with a knowing look and Haley sighed.

"Okay, um….I saw Lucas and you last night. I saw the kiss."

Peyton slapped a hand to her head and sighed. "You weren't supposed to see that. That-that wasn't even supposed to happen, none of it was."

"Look, Peyton, I'm not here to judge you. I saw Lucas start the kiss and he also told me he said some pretty mean stuff to you."

"Yeah well, I guess I deserve it huh? I'm the big fat slut who is trying to steal my best friends boyfriend right?"

"Are you?" Peyton shrugged.

"He told me I was still in his heart Haley, but then the next morning he left and the note he left was-no no no," Peyton cried seeing the look on Haley's face. "It was nothing like that. I mean we didn't even kiss, it was-We just held each other, Haley. I swear. He was gone before I woke up."

"So, now what?"

"So, now nothing. Haley he's still with Brooke and-and I don't even know if he feels the same way about me as I do him."

"But, you said-"

"He said I'm still in his heart, Haley. That doesn't mean anything." Haley raised an eyebrow and once again cursed Lucas for putting her in a bad situation. Lucas didn't tell her how he felt.

"Peyton, for what it's worth, I know Lucas really cares about you. You're the one person in his life that he could never let go of. I mean he knows you better than any of us do, even Nathan and Brooke and that says a lot. I mean you guys are like the Bobsy twins," Haley finished lamely. Peyton smiled and threw an arm around her.

"Thank you Haley, but there's no point." She shrugged and smiled, dismissing the topic all together. "How's Brooke?"

"Oh well, she's Brooke. Still holding onto the grudge, still hurt. Are you in love with him?" Haley asked, not ready to let go of the conversation yet.

"Yes, but like I said, there is no point in discussing it."

"Just, don't give up on him Peyton. Scotts can surprise you."

"Um, aren't you on team Brooke?" Peyton asked jokingly.

"Nope. I'm on team luv."

**Please Review**


	5. Chapter 5

Lucas was sitting at the River Court, lost in thought when Skills, Mouth, and Nathan arrived.

"Hey Luke," Mouth greeted with his hands shoved into his pockets. "Look, I'm sorry about taking Brooke to-"  
"Mouth, don't worry about it. We're cool man. Didja have fun?"

"Well, yeah, when she wasn't obsessing about you and Peyton."

"Man what is up with all that drama dawg? Even better question, where did you an Peyton disappear to?" Skills asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh-um…People missed us?"

"Well, yeah. You and Brooke were um, Prom king and Queen," Mouth supplied.

Lucas groaned. This was all just getting worse. "I-Peyton wasn't feeling well, so-we left."

"That's not what Haley told me man," Nathan supplied. At the look Lucas gave him, he shrugged and said, "We're married. We share things. So Peyton is in love with you?"

"What?!" Skills and Mouth exclaimed this in union. Lucas looked around at the three faces and sighed. He needed help.

"Peyton told me she loved me last night. She didn't mean to and then I kissed her-"

"What!?" That was from the three of them.

"I-It was…I didn't mean to, but then she was going to leave. Anyway, I said some stuff to her that I shouldn't have and she left. I went after her to apologize and-We didn't do anything, but I told her-I think I'm still in love with her. I need to know what to do here, guys. I need some advice."

"That is some heavy shit, my friend."

"But-but what about Brooke. She'll be crushed," Mouth said. Lucas sighed and shook his head.

"I know and I don't want to do this to her again…with Peyton. No wonder she's so pissed at her."

"Well, we all know how you is wit Peyton."

"How am I with Peyton."

"Um you guys are like the Bobsye twins," Nathan said, getting looks from the other three. He shrugged. "Haley said so."

"Well, I don't know about all that, but I do know ya'll can't keep ya hands off each other, when you're in I love Peyton mode."

"I have an I love Peyton mo-Come on man." Lucas rolled his eyes.

"No it's true. You get this intense look-"

"Come on-"  
"Oh you do," Nathan admitted. Lucas shook his head and thought of Peyton. Did he look at her like that? When he ran his fingers through her hair or pulled her into a hug, did he look at her like that?

"That look."

Lucas blinked and looked up at Skills. "What?"

"That look is the look I'm talkin about. Now, who was you thinking about?"

Lucas swallowed. "I love Brooke."

"But who were you thinking of, Lucas?" Mouth asked.

Lucas looked down at his hands. "Peyton," he whispered. "This wasn't supposed to happen. We were just us the other day. We were jokin around and just hanging out, singing Journey. How did this get so messed up?"

"I don't know, man, but you got two hot girls that want you and one big decision to make," Skills said.

"If only we could all be so lucky," Mouth grumbled.

"Man stop wit that. You went to Prom with the Prom Queen."

"Just listen to your heart Luke."

"I did, Nate and it led me to Brooke,"

"Well, apparently your hearts a playa, cause it's still goin, Pey-ton, Pey-ton," Skillz, patted a beat on his chest to Peyton's name. Lucas shook his head.

"Guys-I have to talk to Brooke. She's my girlfriend. I love her. I'm gonna go."

"What are you gonna do?" This came from Mouth. Lucas shrugged at a loss.

"Listen to what my heart says."

Review please!


	6. Chapter 6

As Lucas drove down the avenue, he thought about what he would say to Brooke. There was no easy way to say what needed to be said. Either way, she was going flip out on him and there would be crying and yelling. Lucas shook his head,

"Hey Brooke remember what you said about Peyton having feelings for me, well I guess you were right and the truth is I feel the same way, but I still love you." Lucas could feel the slap he would receive now. "That's gonna fly," he groaned. He would have hit his head against the steering wheel for good measure if he wasn't driving.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't see the person crossing the street. He slammed on his brakes.

"Peyton?" Lucas parked his car and got out. Peyton walked over to him, pulling the earphones from her ears.

"What is this some sort of pay back?" She asked jokingly. Lucas shoved his hands in his pockets and chuckled. At least they could still make jokes.

"Yeah I've been waiting two years for that." He smiled at her and actually began to shuffle his feet. "Did you, um, so-"

"I was just-I just came from Tric. I was-um"

"You shoulda called me I would've come to help you clean-"

"Oh I-I was alphabetizing the….um…albums…." Peyton mentally slapped herself as Lucas blinked at her.

"Why?" Peyton turned pink and shrugged. Yeah, this wasn't awkward at all. Lucas raised an eyebrow and realized Peyton's hands were shoved deep in her pockets…just as his were. He couldn't help it. He started to laugh.

Peyton looked at him, still embarrassed. "What the hell is so funny?"

"Look at our reflections," he replied. Peyton looked over at the store window and saw that they were mirroring each other's stance. Weird.

"Do we always do this?"

"Um, only when we're nervous and I'm pretty sure you stole the move from me."  
"Did not! I've always put my hands in my pockets when I'm nervous. You stole it from me."

"Liar."

"Asshole," Peyton yelped, smacking his arm. Lucas grinned, happy that they'd fallen back into their usual rapport. Peyton smiled shyly.

"So alphabetizing your records? Seriously?"

"Don't ask." Peyton replied. And then they were staring at each other and Lucas couldn't look away. "Luke,"

In response Lucas reached out and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Peyton, I'm sorry about the note I left you this morning, it was-"

"No Luke, don't apologize. It was fine. I wasn't expecting a love note or anything."

"Yeah, I guess it's just as well. I didn't want to tell you in a note."

"Tell me what?"  
"The way I feel about you," Lucas blurted. Lucas took a step closer, but Peyton stopped him,

"No don't tell me Luke. I've already decided that, maybe we should just forget last night all together, you know."

"Peyton. I can't forget last night. You can't just tell me you love me and expect everything to stay the same."

"Why? How is it different? You're still with Brooke."

"Am I? I haven't even spoken to her today. Actually I was on my way to Rachel's to see her before I almost ran you over."

"Well, don't let me keep you." Peyton began to step past him, but Lucas put his arm out to stop her, grabbing hold of her arm. "Okay, seriously, this new man-handling Lucas. Not a big fan."

"Are you telling me you-don't want to be with me?" Peyton stared at him with wide eyes.

"Who said anything about-"

"You don't just tell someone you love them and walk away Peyton."

"You do when that person has a girlfriend. I didn't walk away before. I'm walking away now."

Peyton tried to pull away, but Lucas pulled her in front of him. "Don't. Don't walk away," he pleaded.

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because, I can't let you go, Peyton. I can't let you go again."

"Lucas. I won't do this to Brooke again. Your words."

"I don't want to hurt her Peyton, but I can't lose you. I won't," Lucas replied, everything coming together in his mind as he stared into her hazel eyes. "Do you want to be with me? If Brooke wasn't in the picture," he amended when she began to shake her head.

"Yeah, you know I love you Luke, but…Brooke aside, I'm scared that we'll lose our friendship. I mean what if it doesn't work out, I-don't even know why I'm saying this right now. It's a non-issue."

"But you want to be with me." Peyton sighed, exasperated.

"Yes." Lucas nodded and pulled her into an embrace.

"Okay," he responded. "Okay."

Review please.


	7. Chapter 7

Brooke stepped out of Karen's café and began to walk down the street when she was met with a sight that stopped her in her tracks. Lucas with Peyton in his arms-again. It had become a sight all too familiar this past year and she was tired of seeing it and feeling the way she did every time.

Brooke looked around. They could at least have the decency to find some place private to have their love fest, she thought irritably.

"Oh look, it's the love birds," Rachel chirped behind her annoyingly. Brooke bristled. "Should we stop and say hi?" Before Brooke could say anything, Rachel called out.

"Hey guys! Get a hotel room!"

Lucas and Peyton pulled back marginally to see where the voice came from. They pulled away completely when they saw who was with the voice that had called to them. Peyton shoved her hands into her pockets and groaned inwardly, as Brooke and Rachel approached them.

Lucas's hands followed suit into his own pockets.

"Did you guys have fun at the prom?" Rachel asked, with faux cheer. Lucas narrowed his eyes at her and looked at Brooke.

"So where did you two run off to?" Brooke asked, directing her question to Peyton. Peyton shrugged her shoulders and looked up at Lucas.

"Um, Brooke do you really want to have this conversation here…with Rachel?"

"Well why not since you seem to like hanging all over Peyton in public, we might as well do this in front of the whole damn town."

"I just meant-Look you haven't spoken to me in like two weeks, so maybe we should have this conversation in private."

"Where were you last night?"

"We were at the prom, Brooke, and then we left."

"I wasn't feeling well," Peyton broke in.

"You were never a very good liar P."

"Brooke, I am not going to have this conversation with you here," Lucas said, exasperated. He stepped away from Peyton a bit, taking Brooke's attention away from her. He didn't want Peyton to lie for him. This was his fault. Despite what Peyton told him, he was the one who kissed her and it was wrong.

"Why?"

"Brooke can we just go somewhere and talk please? Just you and me? Please?"

Brooke looked back at Peyton with narrowed eyes and then back to Lucas.

"What happened last night Lucas? Peyton? You seem to want to turn over a new honest leaf. What happened!"

"I-I told him, Brooke. How I feel. I'm sorry," Peyton blurted looking anxiously from her to Lucas.

Brooke's eyes widened and she turned to Peyton. "You BITCH! You said you wouldn't say anything to him and you…at our prom!"

"Brooke I'm sorry. It just came out," Peyton cried. Lucas looked nervously from Brooke to Peyton. "I never meant for this to-" But Brooke didn't let her finish. Before anyone could move, Brooke slapped Peyton.

"Brooke!" Lucas cried and pulled her away from Peyton who could do nothing but hold her cheek, eyes wide and wet with unshed tears. He couldn't help the surge of anger and protectiveness he felt when Brooke slapped her.

"You do this to me AGAIN! Who the hell do you think you are!"

"Brooke, I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Sorry you went to the prom with MY boyfriend when you had feelings for him? Sorry you told him you were in love with him? Sorry about.." Brooke stopped and turned her head to look up at Lucas whose worried eyes were still on Peyton.

"Sorry about what happened afterwards?" She finished, quietly with barely suppressed rage. Lucas looked down at Brooke at this moment with regret in his eyes.

"No," Lucas whispered. "What happened afterwards was my fault Brooke. And if you want someone to strike out at it should be me, but don't-don't put your hands on her again." Brooke pulled away from him roughly.

"So the slutty dress worked, huh P?"

"We didn't sleep together Brooke," Lucas said, softly. "but-but I did kiss her." Brooke bit her lip hard and nodded. This pain was all too familiar and she hated them for making her feel it again.

"And I'm betting you wanna do it again." Lucas just looked at her with guilt filled eyes.

"I didn't mean for any of this to happen, Brooke. Can we just-talk about this."

"Talk? Talk? Are you kidding me? How about you talk your head off with my back stabbing BITCH of an ex-best friend, EX-Boyfriend. We're through." She shoved passed him and Rachel followed with a smirk.

Peyton was still holding her cheek and Lucas was glued to his spot in total shock.

Finally Lucas blinked and took hold of Peyton's hand and removed it from her cheek. Gently he stroked the reddened skin with a gentle finger.

"Are you okay?" He asked. Peyton finally blinked and tears streamed down her face. Lucas pulled her into his arms and sighed deeply. That went very, very badly.

"I'm sorry Peyton. I'm sorry." Peyton shook her head and sniffed.

"No, Luke it's my fault. This all my fault, you should-You should go after her because," Peyton was crying as she spoke. "You love her and this is my fault. I shouldn't have said anything. Go, Lucas. I'm sorry."

Lucas was looking at her with large eyes-his I love Peyton eyes.

"No."

"What do you mean no, Lucas? You love her. I know you do and whatever feelings there are. I'm-just in your heart. That's not the same as being in love with someone. Just go." Peyton had gotten a hold of herself and had crossed her arms around herself.

"Wait-You don't know that I-"

"Go, Luke."

"I-I can't, Peyton. You're not just in my heart." He cupped her face with his hands and stared into her eyes. "I'm in love you too, Peyton. I can't help it and I don't want to hide it anymore."

Peyton smiled despite herself. "Really?"

"Yeah. I love you; I do. And Brooke was right."

"I am a backstabbing boyfriend stealing bitch?"

Lucas shook his head. "I do wanna kiss you again." Lucas leaned his head down and caught her lips with his. There was something to said for being able to hold the woman you love without any guilt. Unfortunately, Lucas still didn't know what that felt like. That didn't stop him though, from enjoying this kiss thoroughly. He wrapped his arms around her and smiled as Peyton slowly wrapped her arms around his neck.

He moaned lightly as his tongue found Peyton's and began to massage it. His hand came up to cup the cheek that Brooke had slapped. They were so deeply involved with their kiss that they forgot they were standing across from Karen's shop and in the middle of the street.

"Lucas?" They pulled away and Lucas flushed.

"Mom."


	8. Chapter 8

Peyton sat in a chair across from the coffee bar staring moodily out the window. Lucas was talking with his mother in hushed tones and from the sounds of it, the talk wasn't going very well. The looks Lucas kept throwing her way didn't look very promising either.

Haley edged her way over to Peyton's table. They were the only ones in the café save a few students studying. They were all lower classmen. Most of the seniors were still sleeping off their prom night. Haley had seen only half the excitement outside; the kissing. She only assumed that was the least exciting thing that happened, considering she knew Brooke and Rachel had left a few minutes before.

"So who won?" Haley asked sitting down across from Peyton.

"I don't think anyone did. It's over. Brooke and I are done for good. She couldn't ever forgive me for what I did to her." Peyton stopped to get control of her emotions. She was free to be with Lucas, but…it didn't seem right.

"He loves me, Haley. He told me he loves me and I love him so much, but…how can this work if I feel so shitty. I feel like fifty million horrible things should happen to me, like there's a hex on me."

"Peyton, there's no hex on you. Yeah, this didn't happen the way you thought it would but-"

"Haley, I didn't think this would happen at all. I didn't plan on telling him how I felt last night and I certainly didn't plan on him reacting the way he did. It's all-it's tainted and I don't want it to be this way. God, I love him so much, but it's not supposed to be this way. Look at the way Karen is looking at him, Haley. She looks so mad and disappointed. That's his mom, Haley. This is-this is all my fault."

"Peyton, this isn't you-"

"Yes. It is." Peyton stood and looked at Lucas and Karen who were still talking heatedly. "Tell him I had to go."

"Peyton, what are you doing?"

"I…" Peyton shook her head. "I don't know."

"You threw it all away, for what-"

"Mom, I am in love with her. How many different ways do I have to say it? I didn't mean to hurt Brooke. I didn't! I know I messed up, but-"

"I thought I raised you better than this. I thought Keith did a better job with you than this!"  
"Don't! Don't you use him against me mom. That's not fair! You know that's not fair!"

"Twice Luke!"

"I know what I did mom, but….I can't," Lucas looked towards the door when it jingled and realized the same instant that Peyton was gone. He looked at Haley, who shrugged her shoulders. "I have to go."

"Lucas, we aren't finished."

"Okay, I'll finish for you. You're ashamed of me, Keith would be ashamed of me and I'm an embarrassment. A Scott, through and through. How's that. Was that what you needed to say?" At the look Karen gave him he shook his head and left.

Lucas found Peyton at the beach. She was sitting with her knees drawn up to her chest and her head down. He sat down beside her, watching her back heave. She was crying and he felt a knot, cold and heavy settle itself in his stomach.

"It wasn't supposed to happen this way," Peyton whispered through tears. Lucas's heart broke for her and he recognized the feeling in his stomach for what it was. The cold feeling of loss. She was leaving him and he knew it in her posture and the sound of her voice, she was giving up.

"Peyton," his voice was a weak appeal. She couldn't walk away from him now. Not now after everything, after what he'd given up to be with her.

"I love you, Peyton," This only made her cry harder. She began to shake her head.

"I-" Peyton looked up at him, her face awash with tears, her eyes pleading with him to make it all better. Lucas smoothed his hand over her cheek, wiping away her tears and then pressed his lips to the places his hands were.

"I love you Peyton." He repeated his declaration, not knowing what it could possibly fix. He'd never felt more useless in his entire life. What good was his love when all it did was hurt everyone around him? Brooke, his mother, Peyton.

"I wish I could make this right for us," he whispered. He was choked up, knowing that by the end of the day he and Peyton would never be the same.

"You asked me once, if the danger was part of it, our attraction. It wasn't then and it isn't now. You're always saving me Luke and maybe that's just us. We're tragic when we get so close. When we're together everything seems to be wrong. But, when I pictured us together, Luke I never pictured it wrong-we-" Peyton looked at Lucas, her eyes clear for the first time that day.

"What we had was beautiful and right and it never hurt anyone. We didn't have anything hanging us up, no Brooke and no issues, just us together enjoying each other and it didn't feel wrong or sordid. We could finally have it, that beautiful love that I imagine we have."

"Peyton, we do have that."  
"No! We don't, Luke! You know we don't. This is the second time we've hurt Brooke like this, this is the cosmos telling us that we aren't meant to be together!" Even as she said it Lucas shook his head vehemently.

"NO! I refuse to believe that Peyton. I won't. I love you and I've loved you since the first time I really got to know you and…I refuse to believe that what I feel in my heart is so wrong. God, Peyton I'm no superman. I'm so far from perfect it's insane, but you can't tell me that after everything, you would walk away for penance."

"It's not just that Lucas. You know I love you. And I've loved you for just as long, but when you kiss me you can't tell me that you don't feel guilty."

Lucas shook his head. He felt like Tristan and Peyton was his Isolt. No matter what he did he could never stay away from her, no matter who got hurt, they could never stay apart. But the thing about those lovers and all the lovers that followed them, is that they were never truly able to be together in the end. This couldn't be their end.

"Peyton I'll kiss you until that feeling passes, and I'll kiss you until everything you dreamed we'd be comes true for you. I would do anything for you Peyton. Anything."

Peyton looked over at him and then nodded and stood. Lucas followed suit and grabbed her hand.

"I'm glad you said that Lucas, because….I need you to walk away."

Lucas's brows knitted. "No Peyton. No."

"Please Lucas. I'm not strong enough to do it! God, if we did this I would be unhappy Luke and I know you don't want that for me. I know you don't want me to be unhappy."

"Peyton this isn't fair!"

"I'm sure Brooke is saying the same thing. I need to square my karma Luke. We both do and if that means we can't be together, then-"

"I need to be with you."

"No-Lucas you don't. If you really needed to be with me, you would have been with me, not Brooke."

"Is this what this is about," Lucas cried, beginning to feel himself loosing control. "My fucking things up for us two years ago?"

"No, Lucas. This is about-Love is a choice you make, not just that feeling in your heart. I left Jake and I chose to love you even if we couldn't be together."

"But-we can-"

"No, Lucas we can't. Not now. Not like this."

"Do you not believe that I love you?" Lucas asked, tears finally cascading down his cheeks.

Peyton shook her head, tears leaking out of her eyes at the sight of Lucas crying. How were they breaking up before they were even together?

"I know you love me very much Lucas, but-" Lucas had turned away and raked his hands through his hair. Peyton grabbed him by his bicep and turned him around.

"What does this mean? No more late night singing fests? No more of my best friend?"

Peyton shook her head.

"What am I supposed to do without you Peyt?" Lucas asked so forlornly that Peyton nearly lost control. All she could think was 'What am _I_ supposed to do without _you_'. Instead she said,

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She threw herself into his arms and Lucas held onto her for dear life.

"Will we find our way back Peyton? If we do this-If I have to do this I have to know we'll find our way back."

"I hope so, Luke," Peyton murmured, tearfully into his shoulder; her safe place. Lucas pulled away slightly to look into her face. This was far too hard. He found himself gearing himself up for another argument, but as much as it pained him to see her like this, he knew he couldn't if it meant she would be unhappy. A light had gone out in her when Brooke found out about their second betrayal and no matter how much Peyton wanted this, she would punish herself…because that was Peyton Sawyer. Tragic heroine and fucking martyr till the end. Lucas knew this, because he knew Peyton Sawyer.

He knew her like no one else and after finally admitting it to himself, knew that he loved her like no one else that came before and anyone who would come after. Just as he knew tears were wet and pain did hurt, he knew there was no other woman in this world for him. And this was just too fucking hard. He rested his forehead against hers and sighed deeply. He cupped her cheeks with the palms of his hands and looked up into her eyes…those green eyes. This was not easy for her either. He saw the pain and he saw the love and he saw the desire. He knew that he should just walk away now, instead of prolonging their agony, but it had been a semi clean break the first time around and he needed her to know this time that although he was doing as she asked, he was by no means giving up on her.

"Can I?" He whispered, staring into her eyes. "Just once more before I walk away?" Peyton nodded and Lucas's lips crashed into hers in a kiss so passionate passers by blushed and looked away.

"I don't know how to let you go," Lucas whispered into her mouth. His lips clasped onto hers, his arms encircled her and held on tightly.

Peyton wanted to give in. To just say the hell with it and get on with what she and Lucas started years ago. She wanted to be with him more than anything in the entire world and if she couldn't have it just then, she wanted him to know it and feel it, before they went their separate ways.

"Come home with me," Peyton blurted. Lucas looked at her, with eyes that were both confused and hopeful. "Just once before you walk away Luke." Peyton said, echoing his own words before she began to cry again and Lucas pressed his lips to her face and picked her up and walked her back to his car.

When they arrived at Peyton's house they slowly walked the stairs to her room, her hand securely in his. When they got to their destination they just stood there looking at each other, both knowing this was the end of a chapter in their lives and the beginning of something neither of them were willing to face yet; a life without the other. Lucas reached out and stroked her cheek.

"It's funny," he said, his eyes betraying his words. They were sad and full of desire. "Us breaking up before we even got to be together."

Peyton said nothing. She walked into his arms and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on tight.

"I love you," Lucas whispered. Peyton didn't know how much crying she could take that day, but never the less the tears came. She pulled back and Lucas framed her face with his hands and rested his forehead against hers, their noses touching.

"God, I am so in love with you," Peyton cried. Lucas slipped her jacket off, his eyes staring into hers.

"Just once," Lucas whispered, tilting his head to brush his lips lightly across hers.

"Just once," Peyton replied, before their lips met again in a searing kiss. Peyton, pushed off his jacket while Lucas's hands slid underneath her shirt and moved up to pull her shirt off. His shirt followed as he backed her into the bed.

Lucas covered Peyton's body with his own and their lips crashed together in slow, sweet desperation. His tongue forced its way into her waiting mouth and they wrapped their arms around each other, trying to hold onto the feeling of the other's body pressed against themselves.

"Tell me you love me, Lucas," Peyton whimpered, as his hands dipped underneath her skirt.

"I love you Peyton. I love you. Oh god I love you so much," Lucas murmured between heated kisses, all the while looking straight into her eyes. Peyton unbuttoned his jeans, and then reached into the front of his pants to rub his pulsing erection. Lucas hissed and rolled them over so Peyton was on top and pulled her face down to his own for another kiss.

Everything about their touches, their first coupling was desperate and heated. Lucas hated that it had to be like this. He hated it, but he couldn't bare the fact that he would lose her after this, so he held onto her like she was the last good thing in the world, like she _was_ his world.

"Promise me we'll find our way back, Peyton," Lucas pleaded once again as they shed the rest of their clothing.

"We'll find our way back, Luke," Peyton gasped, as Lucas' arm grazed her nipple.

"Look at me. Look at me Peyt." Lucas was balanced over her body, his erection straining towards her, his whole body was singing and weeping all at the same time.

"Tell me," his voice had lowered and was strained by his body's powerful response to Peyton's. "Tell me this journey will lead us back to each other." His last word came out choked, as he felt the sting of tears behind his eyes.

"We _will_ find our way back Luke," Peyton replied softly, her hands sliding up his toned and muscular body to rest on his cheeks. "We have to because I don't know how to be without you." Peyton shook her head, causing the tears that had been swimming in her eyes to fall. She was at a loss for any other way to say how she needed him. "I just…don't."

Lucas nodded, not trusting himself to speak at that moment past the huge lump in his throat. He took the opportunity to memorize the way her face looked at that moment. He took in the beauty and the pain and the want and swallowed them up.

"I love you Peyton. I need you to know that and hold onto that for me. Know that I love you and don't ever let that go, Peyton. Okay?"

"I won't," Peyton murmured, before reaching up to kiss him softly. Lucas deepened the kiss slanting his mouth over hers and thrusting his tongue into her mouth. He lowered his body to hers, shivering, feeling her chest press against his.

"God I miss you already," Lucas whispered into her lips, tightening his arms around her waist.

"Oh Luke," Peyton whispered, her voice thick with tears. Lucas caught her lips with his own and for the next few moments they focused on the business of kissing and touching and loving each other's bodies. Everything else literally disappeared in their minds.

Lucas was so aware of her, he felt her under his skin and inside his body. The feeling made him shiver in ecstasy and in an overwhelming pain he refused to visit at this moment. He couldn't go there, not when he had his whole world writhing beneath him, touching him, making love to him. There was no world outside this room and all that mattered, all that existed to Lucas at that moment was the young woman wrapped around him. Peyton felt the same way.

She was lost in a sea of blue, the smoldering sea blue of his eyes locked steadily on her face as his finger slipped inside of her, his thumb rubbing her into oblivion. At that moment she didn't care about how Brooke felt or how Lucas's mother felt or even her own guilt. None of that could matter now, because she would loose him soon and she wanted to remember the feeling of fire his touch left on and inside her body.

"Lucas," Peyton moaned, shifting her hips, reminding Lucas of his baser desires. "I need you…now."

Lucas groaned and obligingly plunged into her. They both cried out, not ready for the feelings their coupling brought. And it was so good. It was every good and perfect thing in the world from the beginning of time to the nth power. It was hot and sweaty and electrifying passion. It was grasping hands, searching lips for hot open mouthed kisses, it was grinding hips, entwining arms and legs, it was tears of blind and intense ecstasy. And the screaming…again and again and again.

Afterwards Lucas lay with Peyton sleeping in his arms, much the same way they woke that same morning when Lucas wished they'd been wearing less. He pressed his nose to her hair, inhaling her scent, her essence, the way they smelled together.

He could almost pretend that when he left her tonight he'd be able to be back the next day and the next, that they could just be together with out having to wait, to pay this price for the pain their love caused.

And I am paying the price, Lucas thought. Lucas leaned down and pressed a kiss to Peyton's eyes and cheeks, but unlike that morning he did kiss her mouth, careful not to wake her, he ran his tongue across her lips gently and sipped at her lips, memorizing their taste and the way they felt against his mouth. Peyton's lips moved against his even while she slept. Tears fell down his face and he wiped them away.

He had to go now. If he didn't go now and Peyton woke, he wouldn't be able to walk away, not now that he knew what it was like to be inside her body…her soul.

Choking back a sob, he disentangled himself from Peyton and pressed another kiss to her forehead. Silently he wrote her the letter that he didn't leave that morning, he wrote her his heart and hoped it would be something for her to hold onto until they could finally be together.

He left the note on her nightstand and took a deep breath. As he exhaled he stared at the girl laying in the bed; the girl he loved so damn much it scared him; the girl he was about to walk away from. How did it all go so wrong so quickly, he thought.

"I'm gonna find my way back to you beautiful," he whispered. "I promise."

He didn't touch her. If he put his hands on her again he'd start crying and he'd beg her to give them a chance. But, he didn't want Peyton unhappy and he knew that she would be if they went forward. It was the last thing he wanted so he left, putting one foot in front of the other as quickly as he could…and he kept going.

He walked past his house, past his mother's restaurant, past Tree Hill high school, past Tric, past the Rivercourt, past the bridge to the river where he first spoke to Peyton.

Why are you a cheerleader? No offense or anything, but you're about the least cheery person I know.

He dropped himself in the grass, looking out over the river. He'd opened his heart and had taken a good hard look at it today and found Peyton there as she'd always been. A love he'd given up on all too soon. He'd given up on them and for that alone he felt he deserved all the pain he was feeling at that moment.

He thought he was paying his penance with Brooke, fighting to get her back, twice and putting Peyton out of his mind, but he only ended up hurting them all. All because he was too much of a coward to listen to his heart. He couldn't help thinking that if he'd done so before, Keith would still be alive. He would have never let Peyton out of his sight that day and Keith wouldn't have had to come in after them. He suddenly saw his love for Peyton as his mother saw it. If he hadn't gone in after Peyton…

Lucas shook his head. "I deserve this," he whispered. He did blame himself, but how could he believe that what he felt for Peyton was wrong or tainted? How could he believe that the love they had made earlier that had brought them to tears was wrong? How could her touch and his instant reaction to it be wrong? Peyton felt guilty, she felt like she had to suffer, but in truth it was all him. It was his love that was toxic. It was him who left her deserted and alone, taking his love away from her to give to Brooke, only to find that what he'd offered Brooke was lukewarm leftovers.

He deserved this hurt.

So, at the end of the second day that began with so much confusion, rose and climaxed with the realization of love and quickly plummeted to cold loneliness, he broke open what was left of his heart once more and let himself sob.


	9. Chapter 9

When Peyton awoke, there was a distinct feeling of loss that she couldn't explain and couldn't shake. She felt like her consciousness was still clinging to the ends of a horrible dream. That dream would not let loose of her and she felt the dark fingers of loss and despair grab hold of her soul and squeeze tight. She felt cold inside and out. What had been that horrible dream she'd had? That dream that made her wake feeling like she'd lost everything.

Peyton's eyes snapped open when she realized the reason she felt that a whole piece of her was missing. It had been a nightmare and it would stay with her. Peyton's eyes began to sting as she ran her hand across the spot Lucas had lain holding her in his arms.

"Oh God, what have I done?" Peyton's cried. She curled around a pillow, tears streaming down her cheeks. There was only one man who could sooth this hurt, who could ever take it all away, and she'd sent him away.

Peyton closed her eyes and she could feel the way his hands moved down her body, guiding her hips to move with his. The tender kisses he laid on her face, lips, throat, and breasts.

"How did this happen?" Peyton sat up and saw the note Lucas had left for her. Peyton reached over and grabbed it. She read it from beginning to end and then she read it again and thought her heart would burst.

Her next thought was had she made a mistake letting Lucas go. They had waited for so long to be together and now it seemed like it would never happen. When did she become a main character in her own tragic romance?

No matter how good their intentions were Tristan and Isolt ended up apart and in the end, so did Romeo and Juliet. We aren't exactly Romeo and Juliet, Peyton thought. But it was tragic.

Peyton kissed the letter folded it up and tucked it in her sketch book before getting up and slipping on a robe over her body. She walked over to her records, intent on immersing herself in the one thing that helped her feel better when Lucas wasn't there. Her music. She chose her favorite Van Halen album and as she went to remove the record a note fell out.

Furrowing her brows, she picked it up and opened it, thinking it was from Lucas. It wasn't. Peyton sat down, heavily.

A brother?

Peyton heaved a great sigh, biting back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her. Brooke was gone and Lucas was gone, the two people she would turn to. She was alone again.

Peyton looked at the camera above her computer. She walked over to the screen slowly and sat, weighing her options. Nothing left to lose, she thought before switching on her camera. Peyton dialed the numbers, but quickly hung up before anyone could answer.

She heard a sound behind her and turned. She smiled and immediately burst into tears. She crashed into waiting arms and the voice she'd come to know so very well said,

"Hey, it's okay, Peyt."

"No, it's not." Peyton looked into Haley's face. "I feel like it's never going to be okay again."

She was right of course. As she spoke, Haley's womb carried a secret, Brooke was nursing an anger that would explode and destroy everyone in its path, Nathan would soon learn what he was made of, and a man who'd nursed a terrible desire for a young woman for years would soon get his opportunity to strike.

As Haley comforted Peyton, Peyton's message box popped open on her computer screen.

It read: Watchmewatchyou: Welcome back.


	10. Chapter 10

Their graduation was upon them. It should have been the happiest time of the kids of Tree Hill's lives, but so much had passed. So much pain and heartache that they had yet to fully swallow and deal with.

Haley James Scott and her baby narrowly escaped death at the hands of Daunte who was now dead. She and Nathan were still trying to cope with the ramifications of Nathan's actions. Brooke was still bitter about Peyton and Lucas's second betrayal and she was still fighting with her own residual feelings for Lucas. Lucas and Peyton stayed far from one another, but the pain of doing so and the longing was palpable to anyone around them.

Lucas completely withdrew. Spending most of his time with his books and watching Peyton out of the corner of his eye. This was how he knew there was something not right about Derek when he showed up in Tree Hill. It made Lucas shudder every time he thought about that night and what could have happened had he not followed his instinct and gone to Peyton's house. Despite saving her life as much as it hurt him, he walked away again, upon the real Derek's request.

"I don't know what the hell is going on between you two," He'd said. "But, she isn't strong enough to handle both you and this right now. Let me take care of her."

After a long moments pause Lucas nodded, his eyes fixed on the shivering girl sitting on the back of an ambulance. "Please take care of her," he'd whispered.

Derek had nodded. He could see the love and the longing in Lucas's eyes and wondered what the hell was going on. "Hey, maybe when she's feeling better…"

Lucas nodded half heartedly and with one last look at Peyton to assure himself she was still alive and breathing he slipped back into the dark.

Peyton had watched him go, out of the corner of her eyes. Everyone thought the tears were from shock, from the trauma, but they had been so much more than that. She had longed for Lucas's arms for so long and now to have his last touch related to such horror.

Thank God for Derek. The real Derek. Had he not been there to take care of her, Peyton didn't even want to think about it. So, she had gotten past the psycho Derek incident. But before that and afterward there was something distinctly more dark about the broody cheerleader. Something…sad and lost. Unlike, Lucas, Peyton tried to avoid Lucas like the plague, because when she did see him the pain became so unbearable.

They had engaged in three of the most intense staring matches she'd ever experienced over those few months. She knew because she'd counted. So had Lucas.

No, pain was no stranger to Tree Hill and its young residents dealt with it the way they dealt with everything. They had a party.

"Hey, fatso," Rachel bumped Brooke over so she could sit down on the couch. Brooke sighed and continued to moodily watch the pre graduation party at the beach house rage.

"You know, I'm really getting tired of this moody, mopey, definitely not fun Brooke."

"I can't help it," Brooke moaned, sipping on her coke. "Everything just sucks."

"Well," Rachel pulled a flask out of her purse and gave Brooke an "I've got lots of tricks up my sleeve" look. "Here, friend. This should help. Let's get this party started."

"Peyton," Haley made her way over to where Peyton sat on the deck staring moodily at the ocean. Peyton looked up at Haley and smiled.

"Hey mama," she greeted, patting the small bulge that was beginning to form.

"Hey. What are you doing out here?" Haley asked, taking a seat next to her. Peyton shrugged.

"Hiding," she replied simply, barely cracking a smile. Haley frowned worriedly. Peyton had not been the same since Lucas left her room that night, the night she found out she had a brother.

"I don't even know why I'm here." Haley caught a quick glimpse of Lucas inside.

"I can think of a reason or two," she mumbled under her breath. "You, um know Lucas is here right?"

Peyton looked over at Haley with a raised brow. "Don't start Hales. So, where's Nathan?"

"Oh, I dunno. Probably inside somewhere."

"Are you two doing okay?" Haley thought for a moment.

"Yeah. We're taking it a day at a time you know? It still hurts that he didn't trust me enough to tell me what was going on. Almost loosing the baby,"

"But you didn't,"

"Yeah, and we're focusing on that. It helps, but…sometimes I wonder what else he isn't telling me."

"Hales, If there is anything I know for sure about Nathan Scott, is when he learns a lesson, he learns his lesson. Haley, when Daunte hit you with that car and we all thought we were gonna lose you, he could barely function. He would have died, Hales if he'd lost you or that baby and I know he won't make that kind of mistake again."

Haley smiled and bumped Peyton's side. Peyton barely cracked a smile. She wished Peyton could be happy again…and Lucas. Lucas.

Haley sighed thinking back to the night of Peyton and Lucas's "breakup". He'd worn holes into his shoes from walking so long and when she'd found him he was shaking and sitting in his closet. She'd never seen him that way before. Broken and broken hearted in a way that made him look physically ill. She'd rarely seen Lucas cry, aside from those few times when they were little and she'd watch him swipe away angry tears from being teased, because someone had called him a bastard.

"How did it get this way Haley?" He'd asked, his head in his hands after recounting the story.

"Are you guys sure this is what you want to do-I mean you two are-"

"The Bobsy Twins," Lucas offered, wryly. "We were the Bobsy twins. It feels more like Tristan and Isolt or Romeo and Juliet. This hurt, Haley, it's-it's so-" He shook his head, unable to describe the steady aching inside of him.

"Hey," Haley sat down beside him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I deserve this," Lucas murmured, wiping his eyes. Haley said nothing, but continued petting her best friends hair. Haley could only imagine the kind of pain he was feeling right now and she hated herself for thinking it, but she felt that this might be for the best. Lucas was a romantic and he'd been going back and forth with his feelings for two years.

"Haley, can you-can you go to her and make sure she's okay?"

"Well, what about you? You look like shit dude, and you know I don't EVER use that word, so you can only imagine what you look like right now."

"I'll be fine, if she's fine Haley. Please?" Haley sighed and did as was asked. Since that night, Lucas had thrown himself into his fifteen minutes of basketball, his books and living for every moment he got to watch Peyton when she wasn't looking.

They were both miserable and Haley wondered when this whole thing would be over. "Peyton, when are you going to put yourself and Lucas out of your misery?"

"What?"

"Common, Peyt. You can't tell me you haven't noticed how it's been with him. He's been moping around school, moping at the café, moping in his room, and you have doing the exact same thing. Now I know that is supposed to make up for hurting Brooke, but if you're waiting on her to give you her blessing, I gotta tell you…It'll be a long time coming. We both know how long Brooke Penelope Davis can hold a grudge."

"This-this isn't about Brooke…well, okay sort of." Peyton sighed. "How many people did you hurt when you and Nathan got together? I mean, really hurt, like I hurt Brooke."

"Peyton, Nathan and I hurt people. I hurt Lucas, when I started seeing Nathan. Nathan's parents weren't exactly thrilled either, but I had to follow my heart. You have to do the same Peyton, because I know yours is longing for Lucas, just as much as Lucas's heart is longing for you."

Peyton shook her head, tiredly. It wasn't that easy now. She knew if she went to Lucas right now, he would take her back with open arms, but….something about the timing just didn't seem right.

"I don't know Haley. I love him. I still love him and I think about him, us, every day, but it's like there's this wall there that we have to climb to get back to each other you know? So much has happened. Psycho Derek, this whole thing with Daunte, this messed up stuff with Brooke. She's still so mad at me and I know, I think she still has feelings for Lucas."

Haley didn't quite know how to respond to that. Brooke had been nursing her anger for quite sometime and she figured it would either just fizzle or explode. She was hoping for the former rather than latter. But, no doubt about it, Brooke was still bitter and angry. She herself had been on the receiving end of it. When Peyton came back to cheer practice Haley had gone over to greet her. Brooke did not like this switching of teams

"Don't you dare talk to me Haley," Brooke had poked a finger in Haley's direction. "You're on her side and if you weren't pregnant with my godchild I wouldn't be speaking to you at all."

No, if there wasn't a baby in her belly that Brooke mistakenly thought she would be godmothering, Haley was pretty sure, Brooke wouldn't be speaking to her at all.

"She'll come around, Peyt. You on the other hand. I don't think there's a cure for what you've got missy, aside from a certain broody blonde we know."

Peyton only shrugged and before she could come up with a response:  
"Hales, there you are. Nathan is lo-" Lucas cut himself off after seeing Peyton. "Oh. Um-Nathan's lookin for you Hales."

Haley looked back and forth between the two and purposely ignoring the looks Peyton was throwing at her, dashed inside.

Lucas shoved his hands into his pockets and looked at his feet. "Hey,"

"Hey," Peyton replied, studying her hands. It was the first time they had spoken in months, not counting the night Lucas had told Peyton to run the night psycho Derek attacked.

"Peyton-"

"Lucas-"

They both stopped and a shadow of a smile graced Lucas's face. "You go ahead," he said.

"Thanks." Peyton stood and wrapped her arms around herself. "Look, I never got to thank you for saving me from psycho Derek. He could have killed you and…you didn't have to do that, so…thank you."

Lucas stared at her for a moment, shaking his head wryly, before speaking. "Don't you get it?"

Peyton furrowed her brows. "Excuse me?"

"I said, don't you get it, Peyton?" Lucas stepped closer to her and Peyton could feel the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. "I would do anything for you. He would have killed you Peyton and I-I couldn't imagine my life, hell this world without you in it. I did it as much for you as I did for me. Saving you is like saving myself."

Peyton looked away, tears burning the back of her eyes. Lucas weighed his options, unsure if he should say what he wanted to say. He decided, the hell with it.

"I still love you." He said it like it was an axiom. It was an undeniable, irreconcilable truth.

"Lucas don't-" Peyton tried to side step him, but he stepped in her path.

"Why? I know that you told me to stay away and I have. I will. But when we won that championship game, it was the greatest feeling in the world, but it didn't mean anything, because you weren't there to celebrate it with me." He placed a finger underneath her chin to force her to look at him.

"I want you there when all my dreams come true Peyton. You asked me that once upon a time and I stupidly said Brooke. It's you Peyton. It's been you and it'll always be you."

"Why are you saying this to me, Lucas? This is hard enough without you-"

"Because, I want you to know how much I love you. I _need_ you to know how much I love you." Lucas lightly touched her bare arm with a finger, making her visibly shiver. Lucas looked up into her eyes. "I'm suffering Peyton. And I know you are too. I can see it in your eyes."

"Lucas," Peyton whispered, shaking her head. He was so close his face was so close to hers. All she had to do was just lean in…

"Tell me you still love me," he whispered. Peyton stared into his eyes and she could see the desperation to hear those words from her. There was so much pain in his eyes. She could she her own pain reflected back at her.

"I still love you Lucas," Peyton moaned. Lucas exhaled and Peyton wanted nothing more than to close that space between them, but…she couldn't.

"I love you," she said again, then stepped away. "But…I've chosen darkness."

Peyton walked passed him and back inside, intent on finding a bathroom to cry in, leaving Lucas out on the deck heartbroken and by himself.

Lucas sat down heavily and put his head in his hands trying to get control of his emotions, unaware that he was being watched.

Rachel raised a brow and handed the much needed flask to Brooke.

"So I was just a mistake to him? Something fun to play with while he pined for Peyton?" Brooke swiped angrily at her tears and took a swig from the flask.

"Don't worry bitchette. Alcohol heals all wounds," Rachel counseled, ushering her farther inside. Two handsome jocks walked by of the upper classmen variety and Rachel grinned. "And so do boys."

"I don't want boys. I'm so SICK of boys. I just want her to feel what I'm feeling. Just once. How does that old saying go? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice my ex-best friend is a whore?"

Rachel cocked her head, a plan forming in her mind. "Okay fatty, here's the deal. I've called you a bitch and fat twice and usually you at least come back with something uncomplimentary about my mother, so we need to fix this, because you are not fun. I personally think you should just get over the guy. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is absolutely smoking hot, has a way with words, and I'm pretty sure is very well endowed, but there are plenty other fish in the sea. But since you are so intent on revenge or getting him back or both, I'm going to help you."

"Um, first of all, I am over Lucas and second of all…you cow, your form of help usually lands people in the free clinic," Brooke replied, finishing the flask.

Rachel snatched the flask back and patted Brooke on the head. "Touche, my little friend. Don't worry. I'm not just doing this for you. I'm bored and button pressing is so freakin fun."


	11. Chapter 11

Rachel Gattina knew her way around men. She knew how to work them to get whatever she wanted. She knew when to back off…for the most part….and she knew what to do to get out of a potentially hairy situation.

Of course there was the prerequisite pepper-spray and she knew a thing or two about karate and the finer forms of physically protecting herself. But Rachel also carried another form of protection in the form of a little pill.

Some might call it a date rape drug. Rachel called it her extra inch of safety…and fun. The dosage didn't knock the man out, but definitely made them less aware.

Rachel decided that for better or worse something needed to happen between Brooke, Lucas, and Peyton. Some….closure. Or not, Rachel thought, as she discreetly dropped the pill into a drink. Adjusting her skirt she sauntered over to where Lucas stood, brooding in the corner.

"Hey, blondie," she greeted, leaning against the wall next to him. Lucas drew his eyes away from the crowd and laid them on Rachel with question and a slight bit of mistrust.

"Hey, Rachel." Lucas ended the unenthusiastic greeting with a sigh.

"You look like you could use a friend and a drink."

"No thank you."

"You sure? I heard you and Peyton out there talking on the patio. Pretty intense stuff."

"You were spying on us?" Lucas turned his full attention on the red headed troublemaker in front of him.

"Not spying broody boy. Just getting some air. Plus, it's not like what's going on between you and Peyton is top secret, you know."

At the look Lucas gave, she cocked her head. "It's written all over your faces like a freaking book and if you and Peyton weren't any indication, well there's Brooke."

At the mention of Brooke, Lucas's face became a strange mixture of regret, anger, longing, and guilt. "Brooke?"

"Yeah, I mean I know you've been in mope town, but you have to have to have noticed Brooke. She's heartbroken."

Lucas sighed again. He'd been in a fog, but yes he had noticed Brooke. He'd noticed every ugly thing Brooke said to Peyton in the presence of others. He'd bitten his tongue more times than he could count wanting to defend Peyton, wishing he could take the brunt of Brooke's wrath for her. Didn't he deserve it? Unfortunately, Brooke preferred pretending he didn't exist. He hated that she was so hurtful to Peyton especially with all that she had gone through with Derek and he resented her for it and for her tendency to hold onto grudges.

It was what broke down their relationship in the end and also, he felt, partly what still kept him and Peyton apart.

"I don't know what you want me to do about that," Lucas replied. "I mean, she broke up with me. She won't acknowledge my existence. And I would have hoped we'd at least be able to be friends, but I understand that that's too much to ask. And frankly I can't stand the way she's been treating Peyton lately."

"It all goes back to her doesn't it?" Rachel commented, following his gaze to where Peyton stood with her back to them.

Lucas sighed and stood up straight and planted his steely blue eyes on her. "What do you want Rachel?"

"I told you. You look like you could use a friend…and a drink. Here." Rachel handed him the beverage, which he hesitantly took with a 'thank you.'

"So I have something to ask you about Brooke." Rachel took hold of his shirt sleeve and tugged. "Come on broody. I won't bite," she added, at the look he gave her. Lucas followed her upstairs, sipping on his drink.

Meanwhile Brooke stood against the wall, a place she was not used to, swatting boys off like flies. This was something she was used to. The school was well aware of Brooke and Lucas's new broken up status and the eligible bachelors of Tree Hill High wanted to take advantage of the hot new commodity that just came back on the market. Brooke found she couldn't get back in the game. As much as she hated it, she couldn't get over Lucas. She hadn't planned on falling so hard for the quiet blonde. She certainly hadn't planned on losing to Peyton Sawyer for a second time.

As the thought went through her head she caught sight of the curly haired blonde and glared up until the moment she stood in front of her.

"I know you aren't really standing in front of me right now giving me the _same_ face you gave me a year ago when this same shit went down," Brooke hissed, turning her eyes away from Peyton's apologetic stare.

"Brooke, I know you're still mad at me, but I just-I need to apologize again-"

"You need?" Brooke laughed, mockingly. "You need to apologize to me just like you needed to tell my boyfriend that you were in love with him at prom, just like you needed to kiss him at prom. The prom we've been talking about since we were seven years old!"

"Brooke, please-"

"And you know what kills me Peyton? Not just the fact that you did this to me again, for a second time while I was with him, but that he told you he loved you back…and you aren't even with him!" Peyton stared in shock at the tears swimming in Brooke's eyes and felt like dying. Her words were like a stab in the heart.

"He loves you Peyton, he would do ANYthing for you, he's aching for YOU, the way I ached for him, and you-you won't even be with him! You ruined US and you ruined him for NOTHING! As far as I'm concerned you are nothing but a selfish two faced backstabbing _whore_ and I hope you burn in hell."

Brooke stalked away as quickly as possible, angrily wiping away the tears that had fallen. She nearly ran straight into Haley.

"Wow, who are you trying kill with that stare?" Haley asked, taking in the blazing brown orbs of the red faced girl.

"Well, if you must know traitor girl I'm trying to hone my jedi mind powers to-"

"Okay okay, never mind." Haley was sure she didn't want to get into it with Brooke. She could overlook the new nickname, Brooke gave her. She was just weirded out that Brooke knew what a jedi was and the look in her eyes.

"Brooke are you okay?" That seemed like a safer question…sort of. Haley winced as Brooke let out a loud long sigh.

"I'm shitty and not even nearly as drunk as I need to be," Brooke replied looking into her cup of beer, like she wanted to supersize it. Haley decided Brooke was far drunker than she needed to be.

"Don't you think you've had enou-" Before Haley could finish her question Brooke interrupted her.

"Haley can I ask you something?"

"Um, sure."

"Why does Peyton always win? She always gets the guy and always gets the sympathy. And what does Brooke Davis get? Shit on. I get shit and I get Rachel. What the hell kind of consolation prize is that? And why doesn't Lucas love me like he loves her?"  
"Woah, Brooke. That's more than something. That's a loaded question. I don't think I can answer it for you."

"Why!? You're his best friend. I heard him talking to the slut that will remain nameless out there on the deck. He would do anything for her and nothing for me. I get cheated on and Rachel!"

Haley frowned and pulled Brooke into an awkward hug. Her belly wouldn't allow anything closer. She could see the pain and genuine hurt in Brooke's eyes; the little girl who didn't understand why her parents would rather go to Miami than be home for her thirteenth birthday, the girl who, behind all the makeup and attitude and cheer, felt she wasn't good enough for anyone.

Brooke had always been jealous of Peyton. She was jealous of her height, secretly jealous of her lovely curls, jealous of her ability to play the social game and simultaneously give it the middle finger. She was jealous of her talent, of the way she embraced her melancholy instead of hiding her emotional issues behind a tiresome smile. Smiling took a lot of effort. And mostly she was jealous of the way Lucas loved her so unconditionally, so blindly, and so completely. He would literally walk through fire and walk over her just to get to Peyton. She was jealous of that piece of his heart he had been unable to give her.

"I'm sorry Brooke. I know this really sucks for you and it's not fair that you're here again," Haley said sympathetically. Brooke gave Haley a small smile of appreciation.

"You know," Brooke started, happy she was able to confide in someone other than Rachel. "He kissed her again. At PROM."

"Oh….Brooke." Haley mentally prepared herself. Her reaction did not sound like she'd gotten this information for the first time and Brooke picked up on it immediately. She couldn't believe it. First Peyton….now….

"You knew," Brooke whispered.

"Brooke, I'm sorry. I-I saw them. I saw Luke pull her into the kiss and-He swore me to secrecy Brooke!" Haley cried at Brooke's back as she tried to follow her. "Brooke it wasn't my place to say anything!"

"You are wrong there, traitor girl." Brooke said whirling around and sticking an accusing finger at her. "It WAS your place as my friend, but not anymore. We're through." Brooke stalked off, weaving her way through the crowd, leaving Haley in her misery.

"Baby what's wrong?" Nathan asked coming up behind his distressed wife. "Was that Brooke you were talking to?"

"Yeah…and probably for the last time too. I just ruined things with her."

"Well, how?"

"I didn't tell her that I saw Lucas and Peyton kiss. This is the second time Nathan, that I caught Lucas with her while he was seeing Brooke and didn't say anything. What kind of person does that make me?"

"You were just trying to protect Lucas, baby. You were just doing what you thought was right."

"None of this is right Nathan!" Haley cried. "Peyton is miserable, Lucas is miserable, Brooke is angry and miserable! Everyone is miserable and I don't see how any of this will work itself out anytime soon."

"Haley, calm down." Nathan pulled her into his arms and rubbed her back soothingly. He wasn't sure that things would be fine either. Not at all, but he said the words anyway. "It's gonna be okay, Hales."

"How?" Haley asked her voice muffled from being pressed into Nathan's shirt.

"I don't know. I really don't know."

Brooke just needed to be alone. She couldn't believe the turn her life had taken in just a matter of weeks. She had no one. Peyton had betrayed her. Her boyfriend, who had sworn he was the guy for her, that it was her that he loved and not Peyton. There was no way to describe the way she felt every time he went to her, every time she found him in her arms, every time he chose Peyton over her. It would always be her.

Why isn't it ever me, Brooke thought sadly to herself.

"Brooke?"

"Rachel?" Brooke watched the red head tip toe out of a bedroom and walk up to her. "Why are we whispering? And why is your top on are you loosing your game?"

Rachel smirked and patted Brooke on the back, guiding her towards the room she just left. "If that's what you wanna believe brookie monster. Hey, did I get you a birthday present this year?"

Brooke looked at her quizzically. "What the hell are you talking about? It's not my birthday for another four months."

"Oh well consider this an early birthday gift," Rachel said opening the door a crack. Brooke peeked in the room and immediately closed it.

"What is Lucas doing in there?" She hissed.

"Look, he's a little…shall we say inebriated and…well payback's a bitch." With that Rachel opened the door and shoved Brooke into the darkened bedroom.

It was the first time she had found herself alone with Lucas in months. He sat on the bed hunched over, swaying slightly. His eyes were bright and stared blankly at a point on the floor. Brooke could tell he was drunk and that Rachel had slipped him something. But even behind that glassy blank look, Brooke could see the hurt….barely. What she saw of it she ignored, as she remembered the useless promises he made her, the way he held Peyton outside of Karen's Café before telling her he'd chosen Peyton over her once again, the way he used to touch her…..

"Peyton?"

Brooke started at the sudden sound of his voice. She hesitated, hearing the hopefulness and longing laced within his inquiry.

"Peyton is that you?"

Brooke remembered this feeling. It was what made her tell Lucas she was pregnant when she wasn't. Hearing Lucas call for _her _that way….Rachel was right.

"Yeah baby," Brooke replied, pulling off her top and walking towards Lucas on the bed. "It's me."

Payback is a bitch.


	12. Chapter 12

"And you know what kills me Peyton? Not just the fact that you did this to me again, for a second time while I was with him, but that he told you he loved you…and you aren't even with him!"

Peyton couldn't get Brook's hurt filled words out of her mind, nor the expression of hatred in Brooke's eyes that she'd never in a million years expected to see there, directed at her.

"He loves you Peyton, he would do ANYthing for you, he's aching for YOU, the way I ached for him, and you-you won't even be with him! You ruined US and you ruined him for NOTHING!

Nothing. The familiar sting of tears assaulted Peyton's eyes and she rushed towards the upstairs. She wasn't sure why she was still there. After her heart wrenching run in with Lucas on the patio and her heart mangling confrontation with Brooke, one would think Peyton would have run as far and as fast as she could from that emotional landmine of a party. But if Peyton was anything, she was a martyr. All she could think was she deserved every bit of this pain and every hurtful thing Brooke said to her.

The words resonated with her in more ways than one and she couldn't help but see her self banishment from Lucas the way Brooke saw it. She _had_ ruined them all for nothing. She and Lucas were as in love and miserable as ever and Brooke was still pissed.

Maybe she should go to Lucas. He was part of the reason she was there after all. Peyton had not slept well for months, even since before psycho Derek's attack. She thought about Lucas Scott constantly and the memory of his touch was tattooed on her skin. If she just closed her eyes she could feel him, but sleep rarely visited her. Every time she felt his touch, she saw Brooke's hurt filled eyes. She couldn't separate the two as much as she wanted to. That was what kept her awake; the guilt and the love that had suddenly become so inextricably linked.

Peyton was amazed and afraid of how deeply her love for Lucas Scott ran and as he had said to her a year before in the dark of her room, _it would always be there_. The question was would the guilt always be there too?

Now Peyton had to stomach the fact that maybe she was indeed being selfish. Was Brooke right? Yes she and Lucas had hurt Brooke, because it seemed their love was too strong to be contained. But she was containing it after putting it out there and she had ruined Lucas and Brooke. It seemed she was holding all the cards.

Peyton looked down at the partygoers from her perch at the top of the stairs. Coming here had been a test more than anything; to see if she could handle this crowd without panicking and perhaps, subconsciously she needed to see him. Maybe it was time.

"Mmmmm, god Luke keep doing that. Yeah." Brooke moaned as Lucas suckled at a spot just below her earlobe. Brooke pulled back to regard the very inebriated Lucas above her and vaguely wondered what the hell Rachel had slipped him. His eyes were hazy and alarmingly dilated and he still didn't realize who he was with even after removing her skirt and his own shirt. His touch was heavy handed, but passionate, and very hungry.

Brooke shut her eyes and pretended he knew who he was making love to. He had only said 'the slut who shall remain nameless's' name once and since then, the only words that came continuously from his mouth were "I missed you. I missed you so much."

She could easily pretend he was actually addressing her, that it had been her that he'd missed. She had missed him too, despite everything. She had missed him so much…..and Peyton too even though she would never admit it. As Lucas lovingly paid attention to her breasts she thought of her ex-best friend and instantly got jealous and angry beyond belief. These touches and kisses were hers and even with the drugs in his system she could feel the love he bore her pouring from him.

Tears burned the backs of her eyes and she hoped that Rachel was going to do what she meanly hoped she would. Find a way to get Peyton up there. Lucas's shirt was somewhere on the other side of the room with Brooke's skirt. His pants were unbuckled and his hands were not at all idle. Peyton would get an eye-full and feel what a knife in the heart felt like. Brooke actually smirked at the thought.

The smirk faded quickly from her face when Lucas spoke again. "Peyton. God Peyton I love you so much. I love you."

Brooke clenched her teeth hard and with a tug pulled Lucas back up and kissed him hard, taking her jealousy and anger out on his lips…and thought of her revenge.

"Peyton!" Rachel plastered a grin on her face after running into the curly haired blonde at the top of the stairs. "What's up."

"Um, hey Rachel…..You haven't seen Lucas around have you?" Peyton asked shoving her hands into her pockets. Rachel raised a brow, determined to not turn around and look at the bed room she'd left Lucas and Brooke in. She had not been expecting this. It was clear that Peyton and Lucas were actively avoiding each other. There was no real need to stir things up this much. Really, she just wanted to give Brooke one last bang with Lucas. Closure sex was always fun. The look on the blonde's face if she walked in on what was going on upstairs would not be so fun.

She actually liked Peyton. And after the year she'd had, walking in on Brooke screwing Lucas would be the icing on a very shitty cake.

"You know, I actually saw Lucas downstairs….on…the deck." Rachel congratulated herself for coming up with a false location so quickly.

"Thanks," Peyton turned to descend the stairs and stopped. "Oh before I forget….um thank you for being such a good friend to Brooke. I know I'm the last person who should be speaking about friendship, but she needs someone right now and I'm just glad you've been there for her."

Rachel looked down at her shoes and then back up at Peyton. Damn. Guilt wasn't her thing.

"Oh, no problem. No problem at all," she shrugged walking them down the stairs. "Um so, why are you looking for Lucas? Finally gonna end the fast, huh?"

Peyton smiled almost shyly. "Something like that. I miss him and if I don't go to him, I would have ended me and Brooke's relationship for nothing. You know? I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"Oh no. It's fine. What are friends for," Rachel replied wishing she was somewhere else. Guilt definitely wasn't her thing.

"Well, I'm gonna go do a keg stand or something. Bye," Rachel bid a hasty retreat. She knew Lucas and Peyton belonged together, but Brooke needed to move on. Hopefully, Lucas would forget what happened tonight and Peyton would never find out what happened.

Peyton watched Rachel scamper off and shook her head. Sometimes she wasn't so sure about that girl. A small amount of her guilt had to do with leaving Brooke with Rachel Gattina. She shook the thought off and was turning to go to the patio when a voice stopped her.

"Hey are you looking for L Scott?" Peyton stopped and turned to the owner of the voice. It was Ricky from the basketball team.

"Hey Rick. Um, yeah Rachel said he was outside."

"He's not out there. I think he's upstairs. Fergie said he saw him go up there awhile ago and he hasn't come down yet."

"Oh. Well, thanks Rick."

"No problem." Peyton began to go up the stairs when Rick stopped her again

"Hey it's about time."

"What?"

"He's been freaking miserable and I know it ain't got nothing to do with Brooke. I'm sure you knew that, but it's about time you two got together."

Peyton blushed and smiled. "Thanks Rick."

"Just call me cupid."

Peyton giggled for the first time in a while. "Well, thanks cupid."

From the first moment she straddled him and pressed her lips to his something seemed different. Not wrong or bad per se, just….different. Nevertheless, Lucas brushed his hands through 'Peyton's' hair as she kissed his chest. He didn't really register that the hair was straighter and longer than it usually was, that the body that lay atop him was far smaller both in height and build. He'd been waiting so long to touch Peyton Sawyer again, to put his lips on Peyton Sawyer's again, and to show Peyton Sawyer how much he loved her that it just didn't matter. All that mattered to the part of his brain that was still functioning, was he had her back.

"Peyton," Lucas murmured, trying to pull her back up to him. She was trying to remove his pants, but he wanted to kiss her again, because all of a sudden for some reason it just didn't seem real…or right. _Wrong_ suddenly caught up with _different_. "Peyton wait-"

"Shhhhh. Just let me take care of you Luke," Brooke whispered, reaching her hand down the front of his jeans making Lucas hiss.

"But Peyt. I need to-" Brooke shut him up with a kiss and wrapped her fingers around his erection. As she slipped her tongue into his suddenly hesitating mouth, she heard the door begin to open and smiled….

….and Peyton couldn't believe her eyes. She gasped, and shook her head disbelievingly as Lucas and Brooke both pulled away from the liplock they were engaged in and turned to look at her.

It was a strange feeling. She felt faint and nauseated all at the same time…and then there was the sharp pain as the knife embedded itself snugly into her heart and shattered it into millions of irreparable pieces. What was worse was the way they were looking at her.

Brooke's self satisfied stare was planted directly into Peyton's eyes which were quickly filling with tears. Brooke savored the hurt in Peyton's tear filled eyes, pushing away the feeling of guilt she felt for so maliciously hurting a person she once called friend. She tamped all of those feelings away and focused on her jealousy and focused on her hurt, finding in herself the nerve to smirk. To add insult to injury the hand down Lucas's pants continued its movements. Her look almost said "hurts doesn't it?".

It did, but what hurt the most was the look Lucas was giving her. Brows furrowed, like he didn't understand why she was there and why she had tears streaming down her cheeks. He had the nerve to even look sympathetic and sorry and even a little confused. There was no mistaking his arousal.

Yes, Lucas was confused. How, he thought, was she standing there? How was she standing there looking more broken than he'd ever seen her look in his life when she was on top of him with her hand on his cock?

"Peyton?" At the sound of his voice Peyton turned and ran with tears blurring her vision, down the hall, down the stairs, past Nathan who tried to stop her and ask what happened, and out the door. She ran.

She ran with no direction in mind, ran until her lungs burned and her legs ached, ran so long that time itself and the world vanished and all that was left was her hurt. When she finally came to a stop she was heaving for breath and sobbing at the same time. The effort to do both brought her to her knees.

"God it hurts!" she cried, curling herself into a ball.

Peyton knew there was nothing that would hurt as much as loosing her mother, but this…came as close to second as anything could. She felt out of control and sick and the darkness…..the darkness that she had mistakenly chosen over love became a dark she feared she would never escape from. It was suffocating and Peyton indeed felt her chest begin to tighten and everything began to spin and as she fell to the ground she knew nothing would ever be the same ever again.

Lucas was trying to pull his shirt on. He was determined to go after the Peyton in the doorway. Although the "Peyton" who had been on top of him was doing some great things to his body Lucas couldn't sit her when he knew there was a Peyton out there in pain. And she was so upset. It tore at something inside him and left a steady ache there that he didn't have the capacity to understand at that moment. He didn't have the capacity for much at all. Standing was hard, and after managing to slip his shirt on he had to sit down.

His head was spinning ferociously and he felt sick to his stomach. Her name was like a mantra going in his head and he used it to try and keep himself focused, but the room wouldn't stop spinning. All he knew was that he had to get to her. He had to get to her….as soon as he had the strength to stand.

He pressed his head into his hands shakily, ignoring Brooke who was pulling her own clothing back on.

Her revenge had left an unpleasant taste in her mouth. Lucas had shoved her off of him when Peyton ran. It was the same story over and over again. Lucas still had no idea what was going on, but he had enough presence of mind to want to comfort Peyton when she was hurting, and as usual he would walk all over her to do it. And she knew Peyton was hurting. She hadn't seen Peyton in this much pain since her mother died.

As she watched Lucas stumble and then sit on the bed, she shook her head.

"Let it go Luke. She's long gone," she murmured, her bitterness getting a hold of her again. If it wasn't so sad it would be pathetic.

Lucas shooke his head. Was that Brooke? Lucas tried to speak, but his chest suddenly felt like it was on fire. This wasn't a heart attack. Lucas knew what that felt like. This was different, because Lucas's breathing became erratic. It was like his lungs had just realized he'd been running for a long time and acted accordingly. Lucas's hand flew to his chest and tears began to squeeze from his eyes. What the hell was happening to him?

Brooke furrowed her brows, watching as Lucas clutched his chest and panted like he was running a marathon.

"Shit," she mumbled. "Lu-Lucas? Lucas!" Beginning to panic she continued to call his name and rounded the bed to stand in front of him. She was shocked at what she saw.

Lucas had curled himself into a ball, his face awash with tears, his eyes wide and frightened. "God it hurts," he whispered through clenched teeth.

"Lucas! God, are you-are you okay?!" Brooke cried jumping from foot to foot.

"What hurts, Lucas?"

Still panting, Lucas managed to murmur, "My heart."

And it did hurt terribly. But it wasn't a heart attack. It was a heart coming apart. And as Lucas lost consciousness he couldn't help thinking, although he didn't know why, that nothing would ever be the same. Not ever again…..

Tree Hill parties always seemed to end in tears.

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	13. Chapter 13

"Lucas? Luke! Dude, wake up man."

The voice was his brother's. Lucas knew that much. He just didn't understand why it was in his room so early in the morning. He also didn't understand why he felt like complete shit.

His head was pounding and he distinctly remembered feeling this way the morning after he'd cried himself to sleep a few nights after loosing Keith. His head felt full, as though there were tons more tears left in his head to cry and they were just waiting for a signal to come. Why do I feel like crying? He thought to himself. His mind was grappling with something and he knew whatever it was, it was important and painful to think of.

God he felt sick.

"Luke!"

"Nate? Dude what the hell are you doing here?"

Nathan furrowed his brows and stared with worry at his older brother. "Um, I was about to ask you the same question. Fergie just called me to say you were passed out upstairs and his parents are gonna be home-"

"Fergie?" Lucas cut off his brother, sitting up abruptly. It was a horrible idea. He instantly lay back down moaning, hands pressing against his head.

Nathan watched him get a hold of himself, wincing. That had to be one hell of a hangover he thought. But Lucas never got wasted at these things. He was usually the one driving other kids too smashed to drive home, which was why when Fergie had called him this morning to come collect the wayward Scott, he'd thought Fergie had had it wrong. But this situation didn't seem so farfetched considering the time his brother had been having these past few months. If he and Haley were in the situation Lucas and Peyton were in, he would drink himself stupid too.

"Nathan how did I get here?" Lucas asked opening his eyes and looking around the room.

"I was hoping you could tell me. Apparently you passed out up here last night. You don't remember?"

Lucas shook his head gingerly, no. He didn't remember much after talking to Peyton outside. He remembered that rather vividly. That pain was all too familiar.

"Um, I think I was talking to Rachel," Lucas offered, unsurely. He had had far more to drink than he usually did at these things, but he hadn't had that much had he? Certainly not enough to make him feel the way he was feeling at that moment.

Nathan took in Lucas's decidedly disheveled appearance and shook his head. "Um, considering the looks of you, lets hope not. Come on. As amusing as it will be to watch Fergie explain the mess downstairs to his parents, I think we should get you home."

Lucas nodded his head slowly and stood even slower. He was hit by a wave of dizziness and nausea, but fought them down.

"You okay man? Can you walk?" Nathan asked. He didn't wait for a reply, taking his brother's arm and hooking it over his shoulder to help him walk. "How much did you have man?"

"I-I dunno. I can't remember Nate," Lucas replied, lowly. His throat felt like sand paper and not being able to remember the events of the night before was starting to nag at him. "Why can't I remember?"

Nathan looked at his brother again with worry. He had wanted to ask him if he knew anything about Peyton last night and why she had taken off the way she had. Seeing the curly haired blonde in such a state frightened him. He had called her cell numerous times and had even gone out looking for her to no avail.

He knew only one person could put that look on Peyton's face, but the man standing beside him couldn't have done anything to make her that upset. Especially not as messed up as he had to have been to be like this, this morning.

Nathan poured Lucas into his car and shut the door swinging around to the driver's side and getting in. He sighed. Maybe he shouldn't have promised Haley that everything would be okay last night. Looking at his brother gave him a sinking feeling.

"Don't throw up in my car man," Nathan wouldn't be Nathan or a brother if he didn't throw that out there.

He expected Lucas to either tell him to shut up or give him a look, at least a raised eyebrow. When Nathan glanced over at him, his eyes held fear and worry. Not the kind of fear one would expect considering they were graduating the next day. No, this was a life altering, soul shaking fear. He was as lost as he'd ever seen him before. And that alone scared him.

He sighed and started up the car then pulled out of Fergie's driveway, knowing his brother was not in the car with him.

* * *

The morning after Peyton's mother passed away, she remembered with clarity the way she felt after she woke up. She could barely open her eyes with them being so swollen and puffy and her head felt too heavy for her small frame. Her head felt as though someone had filled it with sand and her body was limp and weak from the sobs that had racked her little body for most of the night. It was the strangest feeling. Her head felt full and her body felt hollow, like she had been doing headstands for too long.

She remembered lying quiet in the still of her room, wondering why she had awoken in such a state. And then she had remembered that her mother was gone and never coming back and the tears that had replenished in her sleep had begun to squeeze from her body once more. And so it was once again this morning.

She remembered and she wished with all her soul that she could burn the image from her memory. Lucas and Brooke had made love. Lucas had betrayed her. Everything he had said to her had been a lie. How could he tell her he loved her and in the same night sleep with his ex girlfriend and her ex-best friend?

Peyton moaned and covered her face with her hands. She couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it, but it had happened and she didn't know what to do with herself now.

A small part of herself wondered if she was surprised at all. This was Lucas Scott's MO, right? Things with her got hard, he hopped into bed with the first easy girl he could find. He had done it before. Twice in fact. First with Brooke and then with Nikki.

"This is what he does Peyton and this is what you get." She told herself the lie so she would have the will to rebuild the wall around her heart. She let out a few sobs, whimpering when they rattled her already pounding head. She should never have taken it down to begin with. All her heart ever did was hurt her. Every brick of that rebuilt wall was bathed in tears.

Sniffling she managed to turn her head and slowly began to become aware of her surroundings. Her eyebrows furrowed and she sat up a bit.

She was in her room. But how did she get here? She didn't remember where exactly she had collapsed, but she knew it had not been anywhere near her room.

She sat up slowly, mindful of her pounding head. She looked down and her stared in confusion. She was still wearing her clothes from the night before. She felt mild panic, for a moment wondering if it was her stalker who had come back to claim her, but he was in jail. She'd gone to his arraignment with Derek and watched the man named Ian get sentenced herself.

She sat for a moment longer and listened. There were sounds coming from her kitchen. She wondered if maybe her father had come home or even Derek, although she knew that wasn't possible. He'd only deployed to Iraq a few short months ago. She forced herself to calm down, part of her not caring if it was some crazed killer come to murder her.

"Peyton?"

Her eyes snapped to the doorway and landed on Haley. Haley took in the sight of her friend pale, with red splotches all over her face and made a sympathetic sound in her throat and walked over to sit on the bed beside Peyton. She offered her the glass of water she held and asked, "How you feeling?"

From the looks of her, the answer probably wouldn't be good.

Peyton downed half the water and looked at Haley with bleary eyes, shaking her head. "Not good, Hales."

"Um," After coming upstairs Haley wasn't sure where to begin. She had a million questions, but decided to start with the easiest one. "So what happened last night? Nathan saw you run out of there like you'd seen a ghost and we looked for you, but-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Hales," Peyton replied shaking her head slowly. If she said it out loud she would burst into tears and her head couldn't take it.

"Was it Lucas? Because-"

"I said I don't want to talk about it," Peyton said with finality. She gave Haley a small smile to soften the harshness of her tone. "I'm sorry. I just-I can't." She broke off into a sob before getting a hold of herself and shook her head.

"I'm sorry Haley. I just can't talk about it now."

"It's okay, Peyt. Take your time," Haley said resting a comforting hand on top of Peyton's. She regarded the girl with worry. Nathan was right. Peyton looked like she'd been through the ringer last night. Something had happened to her because this was not a hangover. This was heartache in its rawest form.

She wasn't sure if she should broach the subject of the man in her kitchen either. His presence worried her, but right now what was important was that Peyton took care of herself. She smiled warmly at her friend.

"I'm here if you need to talk." She said squeezing her hand. "Um, I guess I'll go know then since you're-uh taken care of." Haley got up to go.

"Thanks Hales. And tell Nathan I said thank you for getting me home last night."

At this Haley stopped and turned with confusion painted on her face. "Nathan? Peyton, you remember how you got home last night, right?"

Peyton furrowed her brows and shook her head no. Haley looked surprised for a moment and then very worried. "Haley?"

"Oh-"

Peyton sat up straighter and pinned Haley with a stare. "Haley, how-how did I get here?"

Haley fidgeted with her hands, too busy panicking to answer Peyton's question. This couldn't be good at all.

"Haley?" Peyton didn't like the look on her face. If Nathan didn't bring her home than who did?

"Hey Peyton."

Haley sighed and stepped out of the way, looking behind her and then back at Peyton, unsure of what this meant for both Peyton and Lucas. Peyton couldn't believe her eyes.

"Jake?"


	14. Chapter 14

"How are you feeling?" Jake asked sitting down beside Peyton on her bed. Peyton just stared at him in confusion. She had ruined things with Jake. How could he be sitting here in her room like nothing had happened?

"How are you here?"

"You don't remember last night," he stated. He didn't think she would. Peyton was in horrible shape when he found her last night. He'd decided against taking her to the hospital just in case this was a drug relapse. He knew it may not have been the smartest thing to do, but he didn't want to ruin her life a day before she got to graduate.

"Peyton, Jake found you last night passed out on the side of the road. He brought you home," Haley explained, still standing by the door. Peyton wouldn't allow herself to go back there. It hurt too damn much to revisit last night.

"I thought-Well I thought maybe you relapsed," Jake went on. "Did you?"

"No-no, no, no. That's not…..that's not what happened." Peyton shook her head. Damnit. The tears again.

"Hey, hey, hey." Jake gathered her in his arms and looked up at Haley with worry. "It's okay Peyton. Whatever it is. It's going to be okay."

No it's not, both girls thought. "Jake, you're like my guardian angel, you know that? I don't deserve to have you in my life."

"Hey, don't say that. The Peyton Sawyer I know deserves everything."

Peyton laughed bitterly. He was right. She deserved every bit of pain she was feeling right now, she thought. The Peyton Sawyer he knew did nothing but stomp all over people's hearts and she couldn't believe that after everything she'd done, Jake was still here. He always seemed to be there when she hit rock bottom.

"Why are you here Jake?"

Haley looked at Jake, curious as well. She knew what he'd told her downstairs, but she knew there was more to his visit than just "wanting to watch his friends graduate."

"Well graduation is tomorrow. I wanted to watch my friends graduate and maybe see what you were up to. I'm glad I came back when I did."

Peyton looked down and nodded. "Yeah me too," she replied. Maybe Jake was what she needed right now to take her mind off of Lucas. "Can you just do me a favor and not ask me about last night? I don't want to talk about it."

"I'll only agree to that if you tell me you weren't hurt in anyway, Peyton. When I found you last night….you weren't drunk and I knew in the back of my head that it wasn't the drugs."

"Please don't ask me again Jake. No one physically hurt me. I just can't talk about it now," Peyton pleaded, feeling tears well up in her eyes again. Jake and Haley shared another look.

"Okay," Jake relented. "I won't ask. But you know if you need to talk I'm here and so is Haley."

He stood up and Peyton looked up at him. "You aren't leaving are you?"

"No. I'm gonna walk Haley out. Can't have her giving birth on your stairs can we," he joked. Peyton's mouth formed the first genuine smile in two days.

"I'll be back," he said before walking out with Haley. When they got out of Peyton's earshot he turned to her.

"Was it Lucas?"

"Jake, I honestly don't know. She won't tell me and I haven't heard from Lucas at all today. If he was the reason she's this way he would have told me."

"Are they together?" Haley was taken aback at how blunt Jake was being and shook her head.

"It's complicated," she replied. Jake all but rolled his eyes.

"It's always complicated with them. For such an epic romance I never understood why it was always so hard for them."

"Me neither," Haley admitted. "Why are you really here Jake?"

"I told you. I want to watch my friends graduate. There's no ulterior motive here, Haley."

"I know. It's just that…Lucas is my best friend, Jake and he-he really loves her."

"Then why isn't he here? Where was he last night when the woman of his dreams was lying in her own tears on the side of the road in the middle of the night?"

Those were all good questions Haley didn't know how to answer. Questions Haley intended on finding the answers to later.

"Look, Haley, I only want what's best for her. I think that's what we all want. I like Lucas and I consider him a friend, but he isn't here. And someone needs to fight for her."

"You think he doesn't want to fight for her?" Haley asked this with incredulity. You don't have all the facts."

"Maybe not, but all I know is that girl up there is in some serious pain and her Prince Charming isn't here. I'm not here to fight or to complicate anything. I'm just-_here_. If Lucas has a problem with it then that's a personal problem and it has nothing to do with me."

Haley sighed. He was right of course. She knew Jake didn't come here with mischief making in mind. He was just a guy who loved a girl. A good guy, who like Brooke seemed to get caught up in the whirlpool that was Lucas and Peyton.

"I didn't hug you Jake," she said. Jake smiled and hugged the smaller girl as tightly as her belly would allow.

"I didn't come here to cause trouble," he said again.

"I know. Go on back up there. I'll see you tomorrow at the graduation ceremony."

"Okay, miss valedictorian." Haley smiled back at him and then paused.

"Hey Jake."

"Yeah?"

"It's probably Lucas, but don't blame him. He wouldn't hurt her if he could help it. I think he'd hurt himself first. But she does need someone so, thank you for being here."

Jake nodded and turned to make his way back upstairs to Peyton. When he got there, she was sitting at her desk, drawing. She didn't hear him come in and when he looked over her shoulder he saw her drawing a heart with a woman building a wall around it. He knew the woman building the wall was Peyton. With a heavy heart he sat down on Peyton's bed, alerting her to his presence.

"Hey," she greeted, sadly. Jake sighed.

"I promise that I won't ask you about what happened Peyton. I just hate seeing you like this."

Peyton looked down at her drawing and then back up at Jake. "I'll be okay, eventually. I just need time."

"Okay. As long as you need."

"You are way too good to me Jake. I don't deserve you in my li-"

"Well that's enough of that," Jake admonished, with a friendly roll of his eyes. "Now tell me, what are you gonna do after graduation, Peyton Sawyer. I seem to remember you applying to an art school down in Atlanta. No pressure," he added throwing his hands up in surrender.

Peyton managed to smile. Jake always had a knack for getting her mind off of what was bothering her by abruptly changing the subject.

"Well now that you mention it I was accepted by a few places. Atlanta being one of them," Peyton replied with a small smile. She glanced down at her drawing and back up at Jake. Suddenly the graduation that was looming seemed like a Godsend, because at that moment there was nothing she wanted more than to run as far and as fast away from Tree Hill as she could.

It probably wasn't the sanest or healthiest thing to do, but she had wanted to go to Atlanta before everything had hit the fan. Those plans had been made before she realized she was still in love with her best friend's boyfriend.

She paused a moment before saying with finality, "I think I might accept their offer and come down to Georgia."

Jake was doing cartwheels on the inside. His head was telling him to calm down though. He knew Peyton's decision was fueled primarily by what had happened the night before and whatever happened caused Peyton's walls to go back up faster than ever and listen to her instinct to run.

"I know what you're thinking Jake and this isn't some hasty decision. I wanted to go down there to school. I just-I have my extra push. You know what let's not talk about me. How are you? How's Jenny did she come with you?"

"No, she's back in Georgia with my mom. I came here on my own and I'm doing good, but don't change the subject Peyton," Jake knelt in front of Peyton and took her hands. Aside from Lucas Jake was the only other person who could see straight through her.

He looked up into her eyes. "I see you."

Peyton inhaled loudly and let the air out of her lungs in one big puff. "There's nothing left here for me Jake. What do you want me to say, huh?"

"You don't have nothing. What about Haley and Nathan and Bevin….what about Brooke?"

Peyton shook her head. And when she spoke again her voice was thick with tears. "There is no more Brooke. She and I…..we're done."

Jake looked down and decided to drop the L word. "Then what about Lucas?"

At the sound of his name Peyton stood up abruptly and all but hissed, "What about Lucas," spitting out his name like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Jake raised his eyebrows in alarm. Oookay, he thought. So it _was_ Lucas. What else was new.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: This is going to be pretty angsty for awhile guys. Sorry if it's not your cup of tea, but I promise it will end well. I am a big believer in happy endings.**

"What happened last night?!"

Lucas sat up straight and squinted up at Haley who stood angrily over his bed with arms akimbo.

"Haley? What are you doing here?" Lucas croaked, falling back down into his mattress. He'd crawled into bed when Nathan dropped him home, avoiding his mother and the questions he knew she'd ask him. He hadn't moved since, only to go to the bathroom and empty what little stomach contents there were and then back. He'd felt sick to his stomach most of the day.

"What happened last night, Luke?" Haley pressed again. She looked at him a moment and then furrowed her brows. "Why are you still in bed? It's four thirty."

"I have a bug or a hangover or something, Haley. I feel awful and I don't know what happened last night because I don't remember."

"You-you don't remember? Luke how much did you have to drink last night?"

"God-I went over this with your husband, Haley. I don't know. All I know is I woke up this morning lying in a bedroom at Fergie's house with a pounding headache. I don't recollect anything that happened after you left me and Peyton outside alone," he cracked one eye open and glared at her through it adding, "Thanks for that by the way. It went really well."

Haley sat down on the edge on his bed. "Luke how can you not remember what happened last night?"

"I don't know Haley! I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. I didn't think I drank that much last night, but apparently I got obliterated because I can't-there's nothing."

Lucas sat up a bit and stared at Haley, taking in her worried look, he began to feel again that dread, he'd awoken to that morning. "What happened last night, Hales? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm fine. It's-it's Peyton."

At the mention of Peyton Lucas became very much awake. He scanned her face worriedly and began shooting out question after question. "What happened. Is she okay? Is she hurt?"

He was already out of bed, looking for clothes to put on, not caring that Haley was sitting there. "Luke, Luke, she's fine…now…..kind of. It-" she sighed, looking up at the ceiling as he threw his pants on. "Last night Peyton flew out of the party and Nathan said she was really, really upset."

"Well what happened?! Did someone hurt her?" Lucas demanded, fists beginning to clench.

"No, she said no one physically hurt her last night-but," she paused as Lucas sighed in relief and ran a hand through his hair. "There's more Lucas. She apparently collapsed on the side of the road really far from the party and-Lucas wait!"

Lucas was halfway out the door when Haley grabbed his arm. "Someone found her and took her home….It was Jake."

At that, Lucas froze and turned to stare at Haley. That sinking feeling…"Jake," he murmured, as though testing out the sound it made on his tongue.

"He's back in town for graduation tomorrow. He found her and he's with her now."

Lucas digested this information. Every cell in his body wanted to run over to her house and make sure for himself that she was okay…and to rip Jake to pieces.

"Lucas…I also got the impression when I was over there this morning that whatever happened last night had to do with you."

Lucas turned incredulous eyes towards her.

"You think _I_ hurt her?"

"No! No, Lucas….not on purpose anyway." She looked away at the look of hurt he was giving her. "Look, I know Lucas, more than anyone how much you love her and I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt her, but-"

"I do anyway," Lucas cut in, pain evident in his eyes. "That's all I do is hurt her, right? And Jake is there to pick up the pieces like a knight in shining _fucking_ armor," he spat, his arm lashing out and sending a book flying off his night stand. Haley jumped, not used to seeing Lucas agitated to the point of violence.

"Luke, she won't talk about what happened last night and you can't remember," she said soothingly. She watched him sit down on his bed and put his head in his hands. He felt like his world was crashing in on him.

"Haley I don't remember what happened last night."

"Well, maybe it will come back to you. Do you remember what you and Peyton talked about outside?"

"Yeah," he whispered. "I told her I still loved her and she still loves me too, Haley. She said so, but she's in this dark place and I can't-I can't get to her," he finished sadly. Haley pressed a consoling hand on his shoulder.

"I couldn't have done this Haley. I couldn't-" he choked, before taking a few deep breaths. Haley rubbed his back comfortingly. He looked like he was going to fly to pieces.

"Lucas, calm down."

"I can't!" he exploded. "What if he-Jake is her Brooke, Haley! I feel like I'm loosing her. I felt so far from her before, but I feel-I can't even feel her anymore."

"Lucas, Peyton loves you. Maybe Jake is her Brooke, but, you are her Lucas. She always comes back to you."

"What if it _was_ me, Hales?" He looked at his best friend sadly. "What if I did hurt her? Why can't I remember?"

Haley shook her head. She didn't know and his memory loss alone worried her. Adding Jake to the mix just made everything….bad.

"Luke, just do me a favor and let her be today. We're going to graduate tomorrow. That's huge," She tried to make it sound enthusiastic, but it fell flat and the bland look he gave her.

"With _Jake_?"

"Luke, he straight out told me he wasn't here to start any sort of trouble. He knows how Peyton feels about you. He's the one who sent her back up here to you in the first place."

"Oh, well I should send him a fruit basket for being kind enough to do that," Lucas spat sarcastically. Haley rolled her eyes at him.

"You know what I mean. She just needs a friend right now Luke and he's being that for her. I can't take care of you both. I'm about to pop!"

Lucas cracked a smile and pressed his hand to Haley's stomach. "I'm sorry Hales. I have been running you ragged, huh? How is my nephew?"

"He's fine, but he wants his uncle be okay."

Lucas mustered up a bland smile for her. This was not how he'd planned on ending his high school experience; with heart ache he couldn't fix and a hole in his memory that worried him more by the minute. He couldn't shake that nagging feeling he had and he knew there was more to it than just Jake being in town.

What was worse was he couldn't go to the one person he wanted to see the most. The one person who could fix this. Peyton had asked him to keep his distance.

"There's a lot going on and you said yourself Luke that she's in a dark place right now," Haley went on. "With the attack and graduation, maybe it all just caught up with her last night."

"Maybe," Lucas murmured, though he was unconvinced. If Peyton had passed out and he couldn't remember then something had happened that he knew would affect them both because nothing with them was ever easy.


	16. Chapter 16

**Sorry it's such a short update, but a short update is better than no update I guess. :-)**

"So," Rachel began, sidling up to Brooke's bed where the brunette lay, brooding. She had been that way since she came home from the party last night. She hadn't answered Rachel's questions of what had happened.

"I have some gossip that might be of interest to you…or maybe just me. I could paste all the blank spots together myself, but I somehow feel it wouldn't be quite as scandalous as the truth."

Brooke merely turned over from her stomach to her back and glared at the red head.

"Word on the street is Luke has amnesia, Peyton passed out on the side of the road and Jake Jagielski is back in town, but since you don't seem to care I'll go out and get some Cherry Garcia and chick flicks. You look like you need them." As she went to get up, Brooke grabbed her arm.

Rachel looked back at her and raised an eyebrow. "Details," Brooke demanded.

"Okay, so apparently Peyton ran out of the party after I'm assuming seeing you and Lucas doing the nasty."

"What do you mean assume? No one knows?"

"Nope. All I heard was Peyton passed out on the side of Briggs Cheney road and a Jake Jagielski found her."

"Briggs Cheney," Brooke murmured. "That's really far from the party."

Rachel detected a hint of poorly disguised worry in the brunette's words and continued. "Anyway, she's alive and in the care of Jake. Lucas on the other hand woke up this morning in the bedroom I left you two in with no memory of what happened last night. I guess you aren't as good as you say."

"We didn't have sex," Brooke muttered.

"Um, what?"

"We didn't have sex. We almost did. We were really close and then…well Peyton came in."

"And?"

"He tried to go after her," Brooke replied, shutting her eyes at the memory. "It was pathetic Rachel. Really, I mean you should have seen him. He was determined to get to her, but he could barely stand, it-If it wasn't so pathetic it would have been sad."

"So Peyton caught you and he tried to go after her. How did he end up back in the bedroom?"

"That's just it. He never left the bedroom. I don't know what the hell you gave him or _why _you gave him anything to begin with, especially with his HCM, but he started breathing really hard and crying and clutching his chest. I thought he was having a heart attack."

"And you didn't think to call an ambulance? Man are you a shitty ex."

"Um, were you gonna explain how a roofie got into his drink?"

"Good point."

"Yeah I thought so. Anyway, he just past out. I stayed there for awhile to make sure he was okay…and then I left."

"Well, if anything everyone will just think he got really drunk. That's the consensus right now anyway," Rachel shrugged, unhappy with the chaos they had caused. Brooke tilted her head to look up at Rachel with furrowed brows.

"Um, how do you even know all this?"

"I have my ways," she smirked. "So I'd ask if you thought revenge was all it's cracked up to be, but the way you've been moping around here I'll just keep my mouth shut."

"He thought he was making love to her. The entire time I was with him, he just saw _her_. And Peyton-well I've never lost a parent, but Peyton looked like she did when her mother died. She finally got a taste of what I went through."

"Yeah, I would say she got more than a taste." Rachel winced. "She's gagging on it. So, not so worth it then?"

Brooke shook her head, ignoring or not hearing the red head's question. "You know what's crazy? I still love him and I still miss my best friend."

"You think maybe you'll tell Peyton we set them up, then?"

Brooke looked back at Rachel and cocked her head. "No."


	17. Author's Note

**First of all I need to thank everyone who has been following my stories so loyally. Like many of you, a new semester of school has begun for me and it is because of this that you should know updates for Bliss, Bare Witness, and Journey will not be coming again any time soon. I'm an English major and my workload has been bumped up in this new year of classes tenfold. Consider these stories on hiatus. I will try to get little snippets to you so know that if there are updates they will be very short, although I really hate doing that. So once again, thank you for the support and sorry again!**

**Lexlady**


	18. Chapter 17

**Okay so this chapter is very angsty. And there is more angst to come. I shed a few tears writing it. Not tooting my own horn...I'm just sayin. **

Marvin "Mouth" MacFadden looked around at the other occupants of the waiting room of Tree Hill hospital otherwise known as "their second home" and sadly realized that Tree Hill's graduation was not at all what anyone expected it to be. The ceremony itself went off without a hitch until Haley went into labor in the middle of her valedictorian speech, which was the reason he and his friends were all sitting in a hospital instead of out celebrating. It was the state of the friendships that came as a surprise to him. They were all leaving high school not as they had come in and not with the people they'd expected to leave with.

To his right Brooke sat somberly, her face devoid of its usual peppiness. She had managed a moderate performance while giving her speech as president of their graduating class, but the dimples had retreated soon after and were replaced with a decidedly grumpy demeanor. Rachel sat next to her fiddling with the hem of her blue gown throwing looks between Brooke and Peyton who was standing as far away from the rest of the group as she could possibly get without actually leaving the hospital.

Peyton looked sick and annoyed from the time she arrived and through the entirety of the ceremony. She really had not wanted to go at all, but Jake had made her. Peyton kept her gaze like a soldier straight forward, betraying nothing, until Brooke came up to the podium. Then she had glared so hard it was a wonder Brooke didn't spontaneously combust.

When Haley went into labor Peyton's stomach dropped. She was happy that Haley would soon be a mother but she wished the kid had better timing. The last place she wanted to be was stuck in a waiting room with Lucas and Brooke. It was making her sick to her stomach.

"You okay?" Jake asked, placing a comforting hand on Peyton's back. She only shrugged. It didn't take a rocket scientist to guess Peyton's problem was Lucas and that being here in this room with him was torturing her so he stayed close to support her.

Across the room Lucas sat sullenly with Skillz and Bevin. He did his broody nickname proud, barely cracking a smile throughout the entire ceremony, going back and forth between gazing longingly at Peyton, who refused to look at him and glaring at Jake who was surprised he wasn't dead yet from the heat of Lucas's stares.

Lucas was currently glaring a hole through the hand Jake had placed on Peyton's back, while Brooke watched Lucas bitterly.

Mouth sighed looking at his friends scattered around the room and realized unhappily that it would be the last time all of them would be together in the same room for a very, very long time. Not that this moment was very memorable save the baby being born in the other room.

"He's here!"

Nathan's jubilant cry broke the tension and quiet of the waiting room.

Everyone crowded around Nathan who wore a shell shocked look on his face. He looked like he came back from war and witnessed a bonafide miracle all at once.

"How is he? Is Haley okay?" Everyone shot at once.

"Haley is great and baby James Lucas Scott is…well he's perfect," Nathan gushed. "He's seven pounds ten ounces and twenty one inches long."

"Congratulations little brother," Lucas said, after cracking the first genuine smile for the day. He pulled Nathan in for a one armed hug and stepped back to let everyone else get their congratulations in.

He stepped away from the group and walked down the hall to the room Haley was placed in. He knocked and walked in at the soft call to come in.

"How's everybody doin'?" Haley grinned tiredly.

"We're doin' just fine," Haley replied quietly. She tore her eyes away from her new son and rested them on her baby's uncle.

Lucas had physically recovered from whatever had ailed him the day before, but the boy still looked like warmed over death. He had bags under his sallow eyes and the usual vibrant blue of his eyes were a watery gray. She didn't think he had unscrunched his brow once for the day.

"You wanna hold your nephew?" Haley asked, hoping somehow the feel of this new life in his arms would somehow heal her friend and brother.

Lucas nodded and stepped over, carefully picking the infant up and cradling him close. Lucas's mind was blown at how in one instant as he felt his own world coming to an end, this child's was just beginning. Although Lucas wasn't a very religious person he sent a quick prayer up to whoever might be listening, that his nephew's life would be far less complicated and painful.

"He's beautiful Haley," Lucas whispered, his eyes fixed on baby James.

"Thank you, Luke," Haley replied, feeling tears prick the backs of her eyes. She knew it wasn't fair to be angry that the birth of her son came in the midst of so much drama and heartache, but she couldn't help feeling the ridiculous urge to snatch her baby back lest whatever cloud hung over Lucas took her child too.

"He has Scott eyes," Lucas decided, starting to sound less like a hollow shell.

"All babies have blue eyes when they're born," Haley smiled. Lucas shook his head.

"No. He has Scott eye," Lucas said with finality. Haley smiled and said,

"Good."

The door opened a crack and Haley saw Peyton and Nathan pop their heads in. If Nathan hadn't been holding Peyton's hand, she would have bolted at seeing Lucas in there already.

She chose to fully ignore his presence, addressing only Haley, but seeing him in such and enclosed space only served to break her heart all over again.

"Hey momma," Peyton greeted ignoring the laser like stare Lucas had placed on her. She leaned down to gently hug her friend. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel great, considering I just pushed a human being out of my body," Haley smiled, glancing back and forth between Peyton and Lucas. "Do you want to hold him? I'm sure uncle Lucas would be willing to give him up for a few seconds."

"Um….I don't know." The truth was Peyton did want to hold him, but she didn't want to have to be any closer to Lucas than she had to be.

"He won't bite Sawyer," Nathan said, but Peyton shook her head.

"No you know I actually have to get going. I've got a bunch of packing to do, you know and-"

"You're leaving?" Lucas felt the words tumble out of his mouth, loudly and without restraint. Peyton paused, not turning her face towards his and not answering his question. He didn't deserve an explanation.

"I'll come see you before I go," she continued looking from the sad eyes of Haley to the confused ones of Nathan.

Peyton turned and left the hospital room, but Lucas was already handing James to Nathan.

"What the hell is going on?" he asked heatedly.

"Peyton is moving to Georgia," Haley said quietly. "She told us this morning."

"Move-moving?" Lucas cried, stepping backwards away from the young family.

"Luke-" Nathan tried, but it was too late. Lucas had run out of the hospital room and down the hall. She was leaving him! After everything they'd been through and were waiting for, she was leaving him.

He flew out of the hospital doors and looked around frantically. He caught site of them and ran to catch up. When he did, he grabbed hold of her arm and spun her around to face him, ignoring her indignant cry of "What the fuck?"

Jake put a restraining arm on him, but Lucas shrugged him off, violently.

"You're leaving?" he demanded.

"Let me the fuck go," Peyton gritted, pulling her arm away from his grasp like it was fire.

"Why?" he demanded. Jake once again stepped up to him and suggested he back off. "You stay the fuck out of this Jagielski! This is none of your goddamned business," Lucas growled before turning back to Peyton. Again he demanded an answer.

"Why Peyton?"

"I don't need to explain myself to you," Peyton hissed. Lucas was momentarily taken aback at the obvious hostility she was directing at him.

"But you are leaving," Lucas asked again.

"Yes."

"With him?" Lucas gestured to Jake with his head. Peyton smiled at Jake and then turned cold eyes to Lucas.

"Yes."

Lucas felt his heart begin to break. He blinked glassy eyes several times and Peyton shook her head amazed that he still had the power to make her want to hold him after what he'd done to her. He looked for all the world like a lost little boy who was about to loose something precious to him.

"Why Peyton? Please…..God please just tell me why are you doing this," Lucas all but begged. "Is it him? Is he forcing you to go?"

"No Jake isn't forcing me to go anywhere," Peyton cried, furiously. "God I don't even know why I'm standing here listening to this."

"Peyton you said you loved me. You said you would come back to me and I'll wait as long as I have to. I know you're in a dark place right now, but we can get through this, Peyt. You and me together."

Peyton felt her blood begin to boil when he said he would wait for her. Bullshit. And she had the broken heart and the image she couldn't get out of her mind to prove it.

"You are so full of shit," Peyton spat. Lucas reared back as though he'd been physically hit. "You put me here!"

"What? Peyton-"

"Don't-Just don't say my name. I don't want to hear it out of your mouth ever again," Peyton cried.

Lucas stood bewildered and hurt for a moment before something came to mind.

"The party," he murmured, vaguely. "This is about what happened at the party."

Peyton's eyes immediately filled with tears. How could he say it like he didn't know he'd ripped her whole soul out?

"Yeah that party," Peyton said mocking his casualness. "Consider yourself set free you son of a bitch."

She went to walk around him, but he stopped her.

"Luke, man. Come on leave her alone," Jake pleaded.

"Jake," Lucas sighed in frustration. "I know you helped her that night and you'll never know how thankful I am that a friend found her and not some psychopath, but please shut the fuck up and stay the hell out of this."

"Don't you dare talk to him like that! Who the hell do you think you are!" Peyton cried.

"I'm the man that loves you!" Lucas cried. Peyton looked away from his desperate eyes. When he said that and looked at her that way she believed him.

"I am the man that loves you Peyton. You were supposed to hold onto that for me," he whispered, remembering the one and only time they made love. Peyton steeled herself against the swell she felt when he said those words to her. All she saw was Lucas and Brooke almost naked and about to make love.

"And you were supposed to not hurt me," Peyton choked back. Lucas's eyes once again held bewilderment.

"Peyton I don't remember what happened that night," Lucas said. Peyton shook her head disbelieving.

"That's a load of crap and you know it," Peyton cried, tears finally cascading down her cheeks.

"Pey-" Lucas tried to reach out and smooth away her tears but she stepped away from him like she couldn't bare his touch and that pained him more than words could say. "Peyton it's the truth. I would never hurt yo-,"

"ALL YOU DO IS HURT ME!"

Jake winced. The tears that had been shining in Lucas's eyes finally came rolling down his cheeks. He'd never seen a man's heart break before his eyes and here it was. Peyton still didn't tell him what had happened, but whatever it was there was one thing he knew for a fact now by merely looking at him. Lucas Scott was heart and soul in love with Peyton Sawyer. He knew how that felt and he felt bad for Lucas right now.

Peyton had looked away after she'd screamed at him from the bottom of her soul. She couldn't take the tears that were spilling out of his pain filled eyes or the way all she wanted to do was jump into his arms and find a way to make all this pain go away. Somehow they could find a way to make it all go away.

Lucas's mouth opened and shut several times, at a loss for words. Maybe she was right. All he seemed to do was hurt her. No matter how hard he tried, he could never seem to get it right with her.

"It's over," Peyton said, still looking away.

"But you mean everything to me," Lucas choked out. It took every ounce of strength Peyton had not to throw herself into his arms and try to forget everything that had gone on. It took even more to turn around and walk away. She didn't know if Jake was behind her or not.

"Peyton," Lucas cried beginning to follow her. "Peyton!"

"Let her go man," Jake said, knowing Peyton need the time to herself.

"Why, so _you_ can have her?" Lucas spat, glaring at Jake.

"No. So she can heal," Jake said, venturing to place a comforting hand on the other man's shoulder.

Lucas felt all the fight leave him in one fell swoop. He felt like he was five hundred years old.

"I'm sorry Jake," Lucas said quietly, glancing at the brunette.

"I know," Jake replied with a small smile. Lucas turned to the direction Peyton had gone in. He could still see her golden curls bouncing as she walked away.

"I love her," he said simply, his voice breaking. Jake's smile vanished form his face and he sighed, sympathetically.

"Yeah. I know that too."

**Review please!**


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Yeah it's kind of a bullshitty way to get back into everything and I'm not the happiest with this chapter, but I was stuck and I wanted to give you guys SOMEthing. These next couple of chapters will do some time jumping. This chapter takes place 3 years after the last chapter and the next chapter will take place 24 hours before this chapter.**

**It's funny, but Bliss has really taken over my writing time. I only meant to write Bliss as a fluffy oneshot, to take a break from the angst of Journey, but it's one of those things that took on a life of its own. I've gotten such great responses from it and I apologize to all the loyal fans of the Journey fic. Ideas come faster for Bliss than this one. But I am still very much committed to this story and to finishing it. Thanks again to all my loyal readers and for all the awesome reviews that you leave me. Again if anyone has any ideas or things you'd like to see in this fic, let me know. I already know how it will end. It's just a matter of finding a way from point A to point C. **

3 years later

Lucas

The door to his apartment opened and then slammed, but he barely flinched. He was staring blankly off into space, his thoughts solely on seeing her tonight at Tric, how she could possibly come to hate him as much as she did, and how pissed he was that he still fucking cared.

It had been three years almost to the day since he last saw her, standing in the parking lot of Tree Hill Mercy Hospital, breaking his heart in a manner no doctor could ever fix.

"Where did you go?"

At the angrily tossed question, he shifted his eyes to look at her gold strappy shoes. The heated voice went on and his eyes remained in the direction of the ground as she began undressing and flinging clothing onto the bed. "I looked everywhere for you! Rachel had to drive me home."

"Sorry," he replied. It was weakly given and the lamest reply he could possibly come up with, but it was all he could say. He was sorry about a lot of things. He had barely spoken to his mother who was now, much to his disgust dating Dan Scott, in those three years, barely spoke to any of his friends, preferring to hole himself up in his studies...and in a moment of pure loneliness and desperation allowed this woman standing in front of him to seduce him and call herself his girlfriend. The only person that could make him halfway smile was his nephew, Jamie.

"Sorry? Lucas, you abandoned me there! Was it _her_? She comes back and suddenly you can't even knock two brain cells together? LUCAS!"

Soft hands roughly grabbed his chin and forced it up to make her look at her. She scoffed.

"Why don't you go then? Go to her!"

His first thought was, Why don't_ you _go?He really didn't understand why she stayed. He was a bastard to her at best and all they did was fight. He stared at her for a long time and wondered how in the hell he'd gotten here. How had they fallen so far? He hated himself.

He hated himself for being this way for her after she stomped all over his heart for what must have been the millionth time. He hated himself for shivering at the memory of her lips on his only hours before and for the desperate way he'd clung to her. And he hated himself for not being strong enough to walk away from the brunette who was standing in front of him. He hated her for staying.

"Brooke…Don't."

"She doesn't want you?" Brooke scoffed as though she found it unbelievable. She was mocking him, of course and Lucas ground his teeth trying to keep anything hateful from spilling out of his mouth.

"No," he whispered, harshly, blinking away the tears that burned the backs of his eyes. Brooke shook her head in disgust and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Taking his red eyes away from the place she had just been standing, he picked up the bottle of Jack Daniels and took the first of countless, desperate swallows. Lucas Scott was no more than a ghost and all he wanted to do was disappear.

* * *

Peyton

From the moment Jake had set down the last of Peyton's luggage, three years ago, in the spare bedroom that Peyton would call her home she'd felt a strange calm come over her. She sighed. The last week had been an emotional one and not only due to the goodbyes Peyton had to give.

When Jake had finally made it back to her house after the hospital, he'd found her in a miserable heap in the middle of her bedroom, crying so hard she was practically screaming. It was terrible to see, yet he knew there was nothing he could possibly do or say at that moment to make it better. She probably wouldn't have heard him anyways.

Her pain had only been rivaled by the broken man's he'd just left in the hospital parking lot. It was enough to drown one's self in forever.

Peyton had slept for the rest of the day and most of the next. Physically and emotionally drained, she couldn't entertain the thought of getting out of bed to face a world so cruel as the one she found herself living in. Maybe she was being over dramatic, but she couldn't help how she felt. And she would have given anything to not feel it and to erase the memory of seeing Lucas and Brooke together and the tears that fell down Lucas's face when she walked away from him.

"You're all set up."

Peyton had looked up at Jake from her spot on the couch and smiled. "Thanks for doin' this Jake. You've…..you've really-"

"Hey," Jake had shook his head and sat down beside her. "Don't even mention it."

Peyton nodded and rested her head on his shoulder.

They were in a different place too. Jake was still very much in love with her and it would probably be agony living in the same house as her, but he knew she couldn't possibly think about another relationship right now. What she had gone through with Lucas had done a number on the curly haired blonde and Jake didn't know if she would ever recover.

Even now, she seemed not quite herself. The walls around her and her heart were as high and as solid as they had ever been. She rarely laughed or smiled genuinely. It was painful to see her this way .

"I'll start looking for an apartment soon so I can get out of your hair."

"Peyton, you know you can stay here as long as you need to. Forever if you want," Jake had joked. He'd frowned because the joke had fallen flat and Peyton's face had taken on a far away look.

She didn't believe in forever anymore. Lucas hadn't tried to contact her and she had not run into him at Nathan and Haley's while visiting them and the baby. She still wasn't sure if she was upset about that or not. Merely thinking about Lucas Scott was like being on a roller coaster.

"You wanna watch a movie tonight?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, sure," Peyton had replied, shaking herself from her own mind. She'd mustered a smile for Jake who was being entirely too good to her. How could he still be so kind when she'd basically left him so she could pine over her best friend's boyfriend? She knew Jake knew what was going on, or at least that it had to do with Lucas. She also knew that Jake had still had feelings for her. Neither of them mentioned it and at that point Peyton had preferred it that way. Her heart was just too bruised for that…and as much as she'd hated admitting it, she still ached for Lucas.

She'd looked over at Jake, who was trying so hard and watching her with kind patient eyes. If anything she needed to pull it together for Jake, who was trying so hard to make her feel better. She'd formed a smile in his direction and asked,

"You wanna order a pizza for dinner? I'm buyin'."

Jake had smiled, happy that she was trying. "Sure Peyton. I'm sure Jenny'll love that. I'll go get the menu."

"Okay. I'm just gonna go change my clothes." Peyton had gotten up and walked to her new room, leaving Jake behind to watch her go.

It was a lot smaller than her old room, but she didn't need that much space. Most of her belongings were back in Tree Hill in her old house which was now resided by Nathan, Haley and baby James Lucas Scott.

"Peyton, are you sure?" Haley had asked with, tears already starting to fall.

"Yeah, Peyt this is entirely too generous. I mean can we pay you or something?"

"No way guys. I already talked it over with my dad. Consider it a belated wedding, graduation, baby shower gift all wrapped into one. Besides, my dad and I couldn't bare to sell it and we want someone to fill it with love again. Who better than you guys right?"

Haley had thrown her arms around the taller woman and whispered, "Your room is going to stay there. Just as it is…so when you come visit you stay with us. You can always come back Peyton. You can always come home again."

Peyton had hugged her back, touched by her words, but she knew she could never bring herself to go back; not with _him_ there. Tree Hill had taken so much from her. Her mother, her brother, her best friend, the love of her life, and her sanity. It had been time to leave.

She had not seen him or said goodbye before she left. How could she? He'd broken her heart. He'd been unable to wait for her. He didn't deserve a goodbye.

The second to last person she wanted to see though, she'd ended up running into a day before she left Tree Hill. Brooke Davis.

"Off to break another heart?" She'd asked snottily, while Rachel shuffled her feet beside her. Peyton didn't know why she responded. She should have just kept walking, but instead she replied,

"It's not like that with Jake and I anymore."

"Of course it's not," Brooke scoffed, ignoring Rachel's nudges to let it go. "You went there to propose ended up screwing him over again and then came back to steal _my_ boyfriend and break his heart."

Peyton looked away, angrily, hurt briefly washing over her features. "Well, it doesn't seem like there was much to break, considering what I walked in on at that party."

"You snooze you lose. You're lucky I fucked him back to his senses before your toxic love killed someone else-" SLAP

Brooke held the stinging cheek Peyton had slapped in shock, but mostly she was shocked at the hateful words that had just spilled from her mouth. Rachel was staring at Brooke shocked beyond belief herself at what her partner in crime had just said.

Peyton bit her lip hard, trying to keep her tears under control. "You said you wished I'd burn in hell….well when _you_ get there, make sure you stay on your side."

She stalked away, angry beyond belief. Her heart hurt, more than she thought it was possible. And when she left the next day, it was with bittersweet, but a giant sigh of relief.

She began school, even getting an internship at a local record company. She was always going, always busy, and she liked it that way. It kept her mind from wandering to anywhere painful; to Brooke's hateful words or to the blue of his eyes. She told herself she was over _him, _although whenever she spoke to Nathan or Haley they both knew, speaking _his_ name was forbidden.

She also never dated. It wasn't that no one was interested, either. Peyton had gotten plenty of propositions, but had turned them all down. As for her and Jake, they remained strictly platonic, although Peyton knew he wanted more. She loved Jake. She really did, but the wall around her heart was as strong and steadfast as ever.

She told herself she was much too busy for anyone. It was the excuse she gave Haley whenever she asked if she was seeing anyone. But after three years of asking, it became clear that Peyton had taken herself off the market. It hadn't bothered Peyton though.

It also hadn't bothered her that she hadn't been back home to Tree Hill in three years. Haley and Nathan pleaded with her, for her god son's sake, but Peyton always managed to make up some sort of excuse to not come. But that had changed.

Peyton found herself back at the scene of the crime, Tree Hill, once again. It was about time Peyton came home to face her demons.

As Peyton packed up Jake's SUV with Haley and Jamie watching sadly from their front porch, Peyton realized it had been a bad idea to come home.

When Peyton Sawyer was a young girl her parent's friends would come over and comment on how tall she was for her age.

"It's her legs," Anna would remark, looking fondly down at her daughter. "Isn't that right baby?"

Peyton would only shrug, shyly, while her father ruffled her curls and called her chicken and her parent's friends would go on to comment that "she would make an excellent basketball player or runner. Did they plan on putting her in either?"

Well, Peyton had come to hate basketball in high school and by the time she left she had a grudging respect for it. But running…..Running had always been her forte.

So she ran. She ran after the huge mistake they'd made the night before at Tric, she ran that morning, until sweat coated her entire body to forget the feeling of his body pressed hard against hers, the fervent kisses, and desperate words; and as she packed up her car with Jake who was sneaking furtive glances at her, she decided once and for all to run from Tree Hill. And she would never ever look back.

The demons had proved too strong to fight and too frightening to face.

**Uh-oh! What happened to Luke and Peyton? We'll see what went down at Tric next time. Thanks for reading and don't forget to drop a review! **


	20. Chapter 20

**Here's the next chapter and thanks so much to every loyal fan and everyone who takes the time to leave me a review. They are greatly appreciated. Also who is SO excited for tomorrow's episode of One Tree Hill. Leyton probably won't get back together, but I think we are in for a lot of great Leyton moments! ENJOY!**

Several hours earlier

"I can't believe this place is still around," Peyton said, as she Jake, Haley, and Nathan sat in a booth at Tric.

"It's only been three years, Sawyer," Nathan chuckled, teasingly. He had been ribbing her about how long she'd stayed away from the moment they got there.

"Um yeah I think she means with your mom running it now, she' surprised it hasn't burned to the ground yet," Haley said in her usual sarcastic way.

"She said it. I didn't," Peyton said with a small laugh, finishing her rum and coke and looking nervously around the club. It was packed with Ray Lamontagne performing there that night and Peyton was beyond nervous that she would see him. She hadn't realized how raw the pain was still until she came home...and how much she missed him.

"You okay?" It was a question Jake asked her every half hour it seemed ever since they passed the Welcome to Tree Hill sign. She didn't blame him. She was tense and on edge the entire three days they'd been there, afraid they would run into _him_ somewhere. But so far, the trip had been Lucas Scott free. In truth, Peyton had been dying to ask about him. She wanted to know why he hadn't tried to contact her.

"I'm fine Jake," Peyton replied, giving him a smile that was forced because all of her smiles were forced. Jake hated that smile. It was fake and it made her look sort of crazy. "I'm going to get another drink," she announced.

"Anybody want anything?" Everyone declined and after Peyton stood up and left, Jake exchanged a look with Nathan and Haley.

"So how is Lucas?" It was Nathan and Haley's turn to exchange a look and Haley looked down sadly. "Peyton won't ask, but I know part of her really wants to."

"I mean he's going to school and he's doing well…." Haley trailed off and looked up at Nathan.

"He's miserable," Nathan sighed finally. "Ever since that day at the hospital, it's like having a ghost for a brother. He barely talks to his mom anymore or any of his friends. He comes by to see Jaime and that's the only time we ever really see him smile."

"Honestly Jake, I'm not only protecting Peyton. At this point, I'm trying to protect Lucas from seeing Peyton, because I really don't know what seeing her would do to him. He's different, Jake and not in a good way."

Haley had seen Lucas after he broke up with Peyton, sitting in his closet crying. But when she saw Lucas again after the hospital, this Lucas frightened her more. Lucas had become the picture of a broken man. A man who had all but given up.

_"Lucas fight for her. You love her more than anything and anyone. Make her understand that you don't remember what happened that night." _

"Haley, it's over. You didn't see her. I never-I never thought she could look at me that way," his eyes momentarily clouding with pain. "She hates me and I don't know why for sure but, what she said is true. All I do is hurt her. I could never get it right with her and if being away from me is what she needs then-"

"But you're miserable, Luke! I've never seen you like this before. Karen says you aren't eating and you barely sleep. I'm sure whatever it was at the party was just some sort of misunderstanding."

"Haley, she passed out on the side of the road. Whatever happened hurt her that much and it's my fault," he looked down at his hands sadly and it broke Haley's heart. "I-I just wish I knew what it was I did. Besides before that happened she didn't want us together."

"Ask her Luke. I can give you her number at Jake's-" But Lucas stopped her with a violent shake of his head.

"She asked Jake to marry her, before she came home and told me that she loved me. She's with Jake now."

"You don't know that Luke!"  
"I won't hurt her anymore than I have, Haley," he whispered. "I can't do it to her. I love her too much and….Jake is a good guy."

"Goddammit Lucas, stop trying to be a martyr," Haley wailed as loudly as she could without waking her sleeping son. Her surprising outburst momentarily brought a spark back to his grey-blue eyes, but just as quickly as it appeared, it was gone.

"She doesn't want to be with me, Haley. She doesn't want anything to do with me," he finished, his voice choking up. He had to leave. Talking about this proved to be too much pain to bear.

"Lucas-"

"I'm gonna go Hales. I'll see you around." And with that he was gone.

It was as though he had resigned himself to a life by himself…well that wasn't true. He resigned himself to a life with Brooke. Haley huffed at the thought of it. That had been a confusing and infuriating turn of events.

"Has he at least seen anyone since Peyton?"

Haley and Nathan exchanged yet another look. "He's with Brooke."

Jake's eyebrow's shot to his forehead. Now that was a shocking turn of events. "What? How?"

"They got back together a year ago," Haley said. "I don't know what was going through either of their heads. She came home from school and I don't know the details of how they got back together because Lucas won't tell me. What I do know is they're both unhappy and all they do is fight. I think they both got together out of pure desperation. We all know Brooke hates being alone and Lucas…I guess he needed someone to love."

"Does he love her?" Jake asked hopefully.

"In his own way, I think," Haley replied. "Most of the time…he barely registers that she's there, though."

"I'd ask about Peyton's dating status, but I know that's pointless," Nathan sighed. "Not even anything with you two?"

Jake blushed a bit and shook his head, trying to hide his disappointment. "She won't admit it, but it hurt her that Lucas never tried to contact her. I think part of her was…waiting for him."

"Ugh, God, Lucas is convinced that Peyton is better off without him or something. Did she _ever _tell you what happened that night?"

Jake shook his head at Haley. "Luke never remembered, I take it."

"It's something that always bothered me," Nathan said after shaking his head. "That he could get that drunk one and that he forgot everything like that. Lucas isn't a big drinker…well at least he wasn't. But that whole situation bothers me. I can't imagine how Lucas feels not being able to remember."

"He knows it was bad enough that Peyton ran as far from Tree Hill as she could and stayed away for three years," Haley sighed. "He's punishing himself for a crime and he doesn't even know what he did."

"Does he…know Peyton is in town?" Jake asked.

"No," Haley replied, thinking of all the pain that had touched her two friends for over three years. "And…I sort of want to keep it that way.

* * *

Peyton walked through Tric, letting the memories wash over her; Some good and some bad, as most memories generally are. Being back home after three years was more than a little surreal. There were memories from, Lupe Fiasco, the Breast Cancer concert, doing coke with Rick, to prom and almost all of those memories included Lucas. Haley had promised she would make sure they didn't run into Lucas, and Peyton appreciated it, but a small part of her, the part that had not let go of the promises he had made to her wanted to see him more than anything in the world.

Peyton didn't know how she would react, but that was how she felt, regardless. Unbeknownst to her, she would momentarily get that opportunity. As she made her way towards the stage area where Ray Lamontagne was about to begin his first set, she saw him. Standing off to the side, looking uncomfortable and kind of miserable.

She froze. He hadn't seen her yet and as much as her mind was screaming for her to haul tail and run in the other direction, that small but significant part of her, otherwise known as her heart kept her legs still.

His hair was darker than it was before and it desperately needed a haircut. His frowning face desperately needed a shave and he looked a bit paler than she remembered and slightly thinner, but what really shocked her, was his eyes. They were squinted in a scowl, as they sometimes were, but the color was a hard steely gray that was as off-putting as his demeanor. They were listlessly watching the performance on stage that had just begun and they began to wander the crowd, eventually falling on her.

They stared at one another for what seemed like eternity, him drinking her in, and her trying to keep her legs from giving out. It didn't hurt, the way she thought it would. It was like an out of body experience, really and when she managed to get a hold of herself, she walked quickly away towards the back hallway of the bar near the dressing rooms a place she knew she could be alone.

She was there for a moment, trying to control her breathing, unaware that she had been followed.

"You're back." His voice shocked her and she jumped slightly, spinning around to find him standing in front of her. She hadn't realized he had followed her, but here he was.

"Is it you?" Her hair was darker and a lot longer than he remembered it to be. The curls in her hair tighter than they had previously been when he last saw her. She had lost some weight, but she was still so beautiful. She was so beautiful it hurt and it was all he could do not to throw her down and make love to her right then and there. He had dreamed of this many times over the years, of finally seeing Peyton Sawyer again. But, none of those fantasies included her looking at him like he was the Boogeyman.

"I'm visiting," she said, after finding her voice. He nodded, coming closer to her and Peyton felt every hair on her body stand on end, every muscle tense.

"When are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow," she replied shortly. Lucas nodded, feeling anger take hold of him. An anger he had been unknowingly harboring for the past three years.  
"And you were just going to leave," he demanded, frustration coating his words. "Without even seeing me? Oh wait you didn't even say goodbye when you _hauled ass_ outta here three years ago, so why would you come see me."

"I'm seeing you right now," she bit, sarcasm lacing her reply. "And you have a hell of a lot of nerve getting an attitude with me."

"Me? You left without saying goodbye! Like, like a thief in the night you were gone! After everything Peyton, you couldn't-you couldn't even say goodbye to me! To _me_! Do have any idea how much that hurt Peyton?"

"You think I don't know hurt, Luke?" Peyton shook her head and turned away. "You didn't deserve a goodbye," she murmured, bitterly.

Stung, Lucas looked at her sadly, and it tore her heart even as she tried to ignore the feeling. "I really don't remember that night Peyton. You know me and you know…I hope you know I would never lie to you. However I've wronged you, I'm sorry. For that and for everything."

Peyton watched him turn and began walking away. Damn him! She should have just let him walk away, but she couldn't. Not now.

"Why didn't you call?" Her voice broke as the question was torn from her lips. He stopped and turned to stare at her in astonishment and felt his heart hurt at the sight of her crying because of him once again. "You didn't even try to call me once!"

"Would you have answered? Huh? Would you have answered for the guy who does nothing but hurt you?" He knew he was an asshole for throwing her words back in her face, but he would be lying if he said he didn't resent her a little.

Peyton shook her head, feeling anger give way. "I hate you," she cried, leaning against the brick wall. "Why can't you fight for me just once?! Why do you let us go so quickly," she whispered so quietly he almost didn't hear her above the strains of a familiar song Ray Lamontagne was about to sing.

_Well the truth it fell so heavy  
Like a hammer through the room  
That I could choose another over her  
You always said I was an actor, baby  
Guess in truth you thought me just amateur_

That you never saw the signs  
That you never lost your grip  
Oh, come on now  
That's such a childish claim  
Now I wear the brand of traitor  
Don't it seem a bit absurd  
When it's clear I was so obviously framed  
When it's clear I was so obviously framed

"You didn't want us Peyton," he cried, walking back towards her. Wishing he could take away her pain, but weary of getting hurt himself. "You didn't want us! Even before that goddamned party."

"That didn't mean I stopped loving you or wanting us! You told me not to let go of the trust I had that you loved me, Luke, but you let go first!"

Lucas shook his head, slowly. "I didn't, Peyt. I swear on Keith's grave I didn't and if you don't believe anything else I say then, please believe that I meant everything I said to you in your room that night we spent together. You remember that night don't you?"

Peyton nodded with a shudder as he moved closer to her. "Do you?" She challenged and he nodded, sadly.

"It was the best and worst night of my life, Peyton," he said, blinking his lids over glassy eyes. "You said we would find our way back, Peyton. You promised and now you can't even look at me. Can you?"

No she couldn't. Peyton heard the blood pumping through her ears, her heart seemed to be trying for an escape via her throat. If she looked at him again she would break down.

"Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I already had," Lucas replied, quietly. He looked at her closely, seeing how closed off her body language was. "And I have hurt you. I can see it."

"I wanted you to-" Peyton refused to finish that sentence-fight for me. Finishing that sentence would make her weak. Standing here was making her weak. All he'd had to do was call her though. If he had called her and asked, she would have been on the next flight home and they could sort through all the other stuff later. That's how badly she wanted him-How badly she wanted him still.

"You what, Peyt?" Lucas whispered, stepping closer. He knew he should walk away. He knew it, but….he could never control himself when Peyton….

Searching green eyes darted up towards his and before they knew it, they were lost.

Now you act so surprised  
To hear what you already know  
And all you really had to do was ask  
I'd have told you straight away  
All those lies were truth  
And all that was false was fact

Now you hold me close and hard  
But I was like a statue at most  
Refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt  
Now you're clawing at my throat  
And you're crying all is lost  
But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt  
But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt

Neither of them were sure who kissed who first, but before either could blink Lucas had her pressed against the wall and she was arching her body into his hungrily and they were kissing each other quite senseless. Peyton's arms were thrown around his neck, pulling him closer while Lucas's hands roamed her body intimately. They couldn't get enough of each other and held on with a desperation that they both felt to their very cores.

Lucas moved his hands underneath her top, hungry for her in a way he'd never wanted anyone before. His thoughts were of nothing and no one but the woman in his arms, the woman he had dreamt of having in his arms for three long years.

They weren't really thinking. Their brains were seemingly stripped of any ideas of right or wrong, decent or indecent. They were only thirty feet away from a club full of people, from Jake, from Brooke, but neither cared because all that mattered at that moment was the way their tongues felt against each other as Lucas pulled Peyton in for another kiss. All that mattered was the feeling of his erection against her core and freeing it from the confines of his pants. All that mattered was the pounding heartbeats and the fevered kisses and the mingling of breath.

Lucas's girlfriend didn't matter as he whispered "I love you" into her ear and begged her never to leave him again. Brooke was the last thought in his mind as he pulled away Peyton's panties and pressed his lips to the spot just below her ear that drove her wild.

Jake was the last thought in Peyton's mind as she, reached for the zipper of Lucas's jeans and wrapped her legs around his waist.

"Tell me you love me Peyt," he murmured.

"I love you," Peyton breathed. Nothing mattered.

"I love you, Luke."

Well the truth it fell so heavy  
Like a hammer through the room  
That I could choose another over her  
You always said I was an actor, baby  
Guess in truth you thought me just amateur

Their lips crashed together again for another desperate kiss, as they guided his cock into the heat of her center. They groan at the connection, both feeling more complete than they'd felt in a very very long time. But this is not a tender meeting of souls. This is hot desperation, a repeat of their first time together with less sadness and more anger. She clings to him as he begins to drive into her, both of them crying out with every deepening thrust. 

Was it you who told me once  
Now looking back it seems so real  
That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill  
So why is it now after I had my fill  
That you steal from me the sorrow that I've earned  
Shall we call this a lesson learned?  
Shall we call this a lesson learned?

It was over too soon. And although the crowd was deafening, the only thing either of them could hear was the sound of their own hearts, slowing back down from its previous exertion. Lucas buried his face into Peyton's neck, tasting the salt on her skin and shut his eyes hearing her moan with pleasure.

He was such an asshole. It was the only thing he could think as Peyton started dropping kisses, almost unconsciously, on the side of his face thinking faintly about moving home and possibly finding a way past all the hurt.

Lucas looked away, feeling tears burning the backs of his eyes. He stepped back from her, knowing he had to tell her, wishing he had said something sooner, before passion had taken a hold of them. She stared at him in confusion, fixing her skirt and watching him zip up, seeing the fear in his eyes and the shame and braced herself for the painful words she knew were coming.

"I-I'm with Brooke," he blurted, knowing from the look on her face that saying he didn't really love Brooke and wanted to be with her, wouldn't do shit.

Peyton felt the words like a physical blow and her mind jetted back to the night at the party when she felt like her world had fallen apart.

As much Lucas wanted to look away, he made himself watch what his words did to her. He let her slap his face twice and welcomed the painful sting. He deserved those slaps and more….because all he did was hurt her.

"What happened to you?!" She cried, looking at him with tear filled eyes. She stared at him like he was a stranger.

"I don't know," he whispered back, finally lowering his head. He didn't recognize himself either.

"I'd say don't call me…..but knowing you, I'm sure you won't," she muttered before straightening her clothes and beginning to walk away.

"Peyton I love you," he called after, desperately. He was a second away from getting down on his knees to beg. "Please. I'm sorry. I fucked everything up. I know I did, but-Don't walk away from me again. Please."

Peyton whirled around, imagining him saying those same words to Brooke, imagining him making love to her.

"I hate you," she spat before turning away and resolving to put Lucas Scott out of her mind forever.


	21. Chapter 21

**...and it's BACK! Short...but back. ;)**

"Peyton?" Jake called as the curly haired blonde rushed past him in tears only stopping long enough to grab her purse and tell Jake she had to leave. Jake shared a worried glance with an alarmed Haley and Nathan before getting up and following the distraught blonde. On their way out Haley ran into Brooke and groaned inwardly. If Brooke was here then Lucas was most likely here too.

"Brooke," Haley exclaimed. "I didn't know you were coming tonight. Hi!"

"Was that Peyton I just saw?" Brooke asked by way of reply, narrowing her eyes in the direction Peyton had fled.

"Hello to you too," Nathan muttered with a roll of his eyes. "Hey Rachel."

The redhead gave a small wave and an even smaller smile. She wasn't sure how she had let herself get talked into coming, even though she was Brooke's last remaining friend. She was pretty sure she was only there to counterbalance Lucas's constant and moody silence and Brooke's constant, mindless chatter to ignore the fact that she and Lucas were miserable together.

"Yeah that was Peyton," Haley said watching Brooke look around the club, probably for Lucas. "She's visiting from Savannah with Jake. Anyway, we need to go, so I'll see you around."

Haley grabbed Nathan's hand and dragged him after her, leaving Brooke to cross her arms and throw a look at Rachel.

By the time Jake made it outside, Peyton was halfway across the parking lot. He quickly caught up to her and gently grabbed her arm.

"Peyton. What's the matter? What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Jake. Please just take me home," Peyton whispered in a trembling voice. refusing to look at him.

Although she was doing her best to keep her face away from him, Jake saw the swollen lips and a hickey that was forming on the side of her neck. Ignoring his own pain, he sighed. "I'll go get Nate and Haley."

She nodded quickly, wrapping her arms around herself. He was with Brooke. The thought went over and over in her head and before she knew it she was leaning over to empty her stomach. Once again she had betrayed Brooke with Lucas….Or did she? Was it considered a betrayal if you weren't still friends with the person? She wasn't sure, but she knew she felt betrayed. And hurt. She was tired of hurting all on account of Lucas Scott.

"Peyton," Haley gasped, running over and holding her hair back as she dry heaved. Haley looked up at Nathan and Jake, thoroughly alarmed.

"I'm fi-" Peyton stopped herself from finishing the obvious lie. "I want to go home," she murmured.

"Okay, sweetie," Haley said, opening the car door and ushering the shivering blonde in. "We're going home right now."

"Tomorrow," Peyton added quietly. Everyone stopped to stare at her.

"Peyton-"

"Haley I can't. I'm sorry. You can stay if you want Jake, but….I need to leave."

"We'll leave first thing in the morning," Jake replied, before getting in the car with Haley and Nathan following suit.

As Nathan pulled out of the parking lot Peyton leaned her head against the car door, forcing the sobs down that she desperately wanted to release.

The car ride home was silent and when they made it back to Nathan and Haley's house Peyton went straight upstairs to the bathroom.

Haley threw her purse down on the couch and her body followed. While Nathan paid the babysitter Jake sat down across from Haley.

"He was there wasn't he," he said. It wasn't a question. They heard the shower go on upstairs and Haley put her head in her hands.

"You saw Brooke too?"

"No. I saw the hickey," Jake muttered, angrily. He considered Lucas a friend and a small part of him wanted the Lucas and Peyton love story to end happily, because he knew despite all the pain, Lucas made her happy. But now, he knew if he had Lucas in front of him neither man would walk away without some punches being thrown.

Haley looked up at him and groaned. "What was he thinking?" She whispered to herself. Nathan walked into the room and sat down beside Haley.

"Lucas isn't answering his phone," he sighed.

"You called him?" Haley asked.

"Damn straight I did. Peyton's a mess," Nathan exclaimed.

"You know…As much as I'd like to, we can't put this all on Lucas. Whatever happened, Peyton is a big girl," Jake sighed. "She knew what she was doing."

"Way to play devil's advocate Jagielski," Nathan chuffed.

"Hey, from what you've told me, Luke isn't doing so well either and we all know no matter who they're dating they've never been good at exercising restraint when it comes to the other."

"Yeah, well it doesn't make it right," Haley said, determinately. "I don't know how this'll effect them. I do know we may have to start driving to Georgia if we wanna see Peyton."

"Yeah, something tells me Peyton isn't going to want to step foot in Tree Hill for a long time," Nathan said.

"Maybe it's better that way. Maybe they need to be apart to really get on with their lives ya'know?"

"Hales please, it has been three years," Nathan said, shaking his head. "It's been three years and she sees him once and now she's a mess."

"All the better reason for them to stay a apart," Haley shrugged.

Upstairs, Peyton sat under the spray of the shower with the water cranked as hot as she could stand it, bawling her eyes out. She felt filthy. No matter how hard she scrubbed Lucas stayed under her skin, she still felt him inside of her and what was worse a part of her still reveled in it, still wanted him there.

How pathetic are you, she thought angrily to herself. They had betrayed Brooke once again and this time was so much worse, because they had actually had sex. Lucas had betrayed his girlfriend once again and again he had betrayed her.

She couldn't take this. She couldn't take this anymore. She couldn't take anything else this town had to dish out. She had known vast amounts of pain in her life, but this was the last straw. She was officially done. She was done with Tree Hill and she decided she was once and for all done with Lucas Scott.

She stayed in the shower for another ten minutes before climbing out. She wrapped herself in a towel and walked into the guest bedroom and looked in the mirror at her reflection. She looked frightening, makeup smeared, race red and splotchy and her eyes were blood shot. Turning away from the mirror she lay down on the bed, refusing to let her thoughts drift to a certain blue eyed boy.

"Suck it up Sawyer," she murmured to herself, steeling herself for a road away from her hometown.

Unfortunately the road is never that easy and fate has a funny sense of humor. Three weeks later Peyton Sawyer found out she was pregnant.

**Uh Oh! Spagetti-oh you know how it goes. These next few chapters will be different from the format I usually work with so bare with me. I am going to try and wrap up Journey so I can focus on Bliss and continue with Bare Witness. Thanks for sticking with me!**


	22. Chapter 22

**_Howdy _all. So, since I updated Bliss, I figured hey...why not give the people what they want and update Journey too. Sorry bout the angst though. I don't think the people wanted angst. But it won't be for much longer...okay that's a lie. There is more angst on the way, but I promise this story will have an angst free ending. **

**That being said, I want to thank everyone for sticking with the super angsty turn this story has taken. You shall be rewarded. I promise!**

**All the italics are Lucas's writing/thoughts. **

**Also-The language ain't so cute. Just your run of the mill F-word usage, but still. Just thought I should warn you if it offends.**

_I almost said your name last night when I was making love to her. It is not the first time I've done it. My eyes were shut so tight I wasn't sure I even existed save for the image I had of you in my mind, the image I always have of you when I lay with her. I imagine you are beneath me and the feel of your skin sliding against mine and the way your soft curls feel between my fingertips. And you say my name and I am utterly lost. But in a good way. Not the way I'm lost now._

Peyton's eyes flew open and her disorientation settled when her eyes landed on the head of tawny curls playing on the carpet. Keith was babbling quietly to himself, in a whisper and it made Peyton smile, despite the knots in her stomach. Keith had always been a quiet child. He barely cried at night, whimpered for his meals, and was content to lay in one spot and stare until someone came to fetch him. Which was a good thing when Peyton fell asleep on the couch.

Rubbing her eyes she sighed when they came away wet with a few stray tears. She cried in her sleep and she knew it had to do with the dreams she had.

"You fall asleep?" She looked up to find Jake standing in the doorway regarding her seriously.

"Yeah, I just dozed off for a second there," she laughed, shaking her head. The smiled vanished off her face as she shook the foggy thoughts from her head. Insomnia had kicked in several months ago, and she didn't know why. Maybe because no matter what she did her thoughts always seemed to settle upon one thing. Jake came and sat down next to her, peeking at the comic strip she was working on for the local paper she worked for.

"Ja'." The baby was looking at them with half a smile. Grinning Jake, pressed his lips to Peyton's before kneeling down on the carpet beside the toddler. Peyton didn't bother trying to correct the child as she had in the past.

Keith never called Jake Daddy, no matter how many times Peyton tried to get him to do it. It had just been Momma and 'Ja' since he could distinguish who was who. No one thought anything of it in public, and even thought it was cute that Jake's son would call him by his first name. Everyone assumed Keith was his son with Peyton and Keith did resemble his mother from his thin puckered lips to his wild head of curly blonde hair, which his mother lovingly called his 'baby fro'. There was no doubt who his mother was and people just assumed he took after his mother more.

That is…until they peered into the boy's bright, but solemn and piercing blue eyes.

The day Peyton gave birth, and Jake looked into the child's eyes he knew they would never be able to escape the shadow of Lucas Scott in their relationship. There was a reason Keith didn't call him daddy, as Peyton would have liked. Jake knew all about parent-child bonds and he thought, as silly as it sounded, that little Keith knew his real father was somewhere out there.

The quiet little boy with the serious blues was waiting. So was he.

"You want Thai for dinner?" His question brought her momentarily out of her thoughts.

"Sure." Peyton nodded, smiling at Jake. It made him wince. He knew she tried. The smiles she gave him were genuine and he knew she loved him as best she could, but he knew an integral piece of her lay in Tree Hill.

He spoke to Haley and Nathan sporadically and they called Keith his son, but never brought up the fact that the boy obviously wasn't his. They never brought up Lucas if Peyton was within earshot and he got the feeling that Haley and Nathan glossed over how badly Lucas was doing.

Jake hated that Peyton wouldn't tell Lucas, kept Keith's paternity a secret. He'd had countless arguments with Peyton about it. They'd argued when she found out she was pregnant. They had argued sporadically throughout her pregnancy and somewhere between the arguments Jake had taken a chance and kissed her. She kissed back. They got together three months before Keith was born.

The doctors thought Jake was the father and his heart broke a bit for Lucas Scott that late night when a Peyton gave birth to 5 pound 7 ounces of screaming baby. Peyton took one look at her son and burst into hysterical tears, when Jake peered into his eyes, he realized why she was crying. He felt like crying himself.

From that day on, Jake had been on the verge of calling Lucas himself several times, but always stopped himself. He felt like a hypocrite keeping Keith from his father. And as much as he loved that little boy he knew that some day…one of them would wake up. Be it Peyton or Lucas.

He knew he should have been the one to let go a long time ago, but he couldn't help how he felt. As broken-spirited as this Peyton Sawyer was, she was still Peyton Sawyer and he was in love with her. So until the day Peyton and Lucas found their paths crossed again, he would hold onto Peyton as tightly and for as long as he could.

* * *

_I miss you more than words can express and this life that I live, this man I've become, it would all be worth it to know that you are happy wherever you are. I just need to know that you're happy, Peyton. To let you go, so you can stop haunting my every thought._

I haven't spoken to my mother in two years and it seems the only source of genuine joy in my life is Jamie. I'm surprised Haley still lets me see him considering the shadow I've become. I get drunk almost every night now. Every day is a hangover, but it's okay. I need to feel something other than this steady ache that was left when you walked out of my life for the last time.

I honestly don't know why she stays with me and I'm beginning to resent her for it. What self respecting woman stays with a man who barely sees her, drinks himself stupid everyday, and imagines he is with someone else when he makes love to her? I ruined her just as I ruined us and everything else in my life. I have done everything wrong and I have been wrong about a lot. But I do know, loving you is the only right thing I have ever done in my life. Peyton, I was right about that. And although it has brought us nothing but pain I won't apologize for it. I am a miserable man, but I…if only for a moment, I was a king when I had you. I love you still and it hurts.

Do you know what I want more than anything? For us to lay together and for me to know that you won't leave me. I dream you belong to me and me to you and we know that we will never be parted again and happiness does not become this elusive . That's my dream is to know what that feels like.

Sudden sunlight invaded his corneas and he groaned, feeling the familiar headache set in. He reached down by his bedside and began rooting around for the bottle he had left there the night before.

"It's not there."

Lucas's eyes shot open at the unexpected sound of his brother's voice, and he immediately regretted it. Slumping back down on his bed, he covered his head with a pillow, mumbling.

"Go'way Na'."

"Lucas, you can't keep doing this to yourself," Nathan said, gravely. When he got no answer he shook his head and began moving around the room. Sock drawer: a bottle of whiskey. Bookshelf: Scotch was nestled between Faulkner and James Joyce. He dropped bottle after bottle into a bag.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Lucas spat, finally sitting up to glare at him.

"You need to stop this Lucas. The drinking has gotten way out of control. We never see you sober anymore, Luke. Never! And that's if we see you at all. What kind of example does that set for Jamie!"

Lucas only sighed heavily, and reached under Brooke's pillow for his flask. He stared at Nathan challengingly as he took a swig. Nathan looked back at his brother like a stranger.

Lucas's downward spiral had begun after Peyton had left for the last time. That had been nearly two years ago. He woke up and got drunk. He spent his days drunk, and the few times he went to bed anymore he was drunk. He lost his job as the coach of Tree Hill high, and just barely held on to the one he had at the Tree Hill Mirror. Lucas had simply….given up.

"Nathan is there a reason you're here," Lucas's voice was gravelly as he downed his flask like it was water.

"I was just checking to make sure you were still breathing bro." His sarcasm was laced with pain at seeing his brother so low.

"Well, I'm breathing," Lucas murmured, glancing at the laptop on his desk. He had written last night, but as always it was about her. He really wished he could stop thinking about her. He didn't understand why it was still so hard and why the hurt just wouldn't go away.

_This hurt, Peyton. It doesn't go away._

His mind was not clouded enough. Stumbling out of bed he walked over to his dresser and reached underneath it. Nathan sighed as his brother pulled out a bottle, untwisting the cap.

Nathan shook his head. He felt like crying. This man in front of him was not his brother, with the three day stubble, splotchy skin and constantly red eyes. His demeanor was dour and his attitude nothing short of surly. He was shocked Brooke was still with him. He was a shadow of the man he used to be.

"What the hell happened to you man?"

Lucas didn't look at him.

"Peyton called the other day," he said under his breath, raising his eyebrow when Lucas's eyes flew up to his. Nathan knew he probably shouldn't have brought the curly haired blonde up. The few times they saw Lucas over the years her name was studiously left from conversations, especially after Haley let it slip that Peyton was now with Jake over dinner. Three pairs of eyes had skittered to the brooding blonde whose own eyes had lowered quickly to hide the sudden flood of tears.

"How-How is she?"

His voice was steady, but Nathan knew it was killing him to ask. He wanted to tell him. He really, really did. Let him know that there was something else to live for, to fight for. His name was Keith and he should have his real father.

Peyton had never told him outright that the baby with the curly hair was his brother's, and he had to wonder who the hell she thought she was fooling trying to pass the kid off as Jake's.

"She's okay," Nathan shrugged, thinking about the vaguely empty tone he had come to associate with Peyton's voice the very few times he'd spoken to her. She put on a good act, but Nathan could see right through it. The only thing Peyton didn't act was her role as a mother to Keith. She loved that little boy like no other and he was the sole person that kept her sane.

Lucas narrowed his eyes at the tone of his brother's response, but said nothing more. He didn't deserve to know how Peyton was.

_It hurts all the time. I hope you don't feel this. I hope I didn't break you for good._

"Lucas, I actually came by to tell you that…I can't have you come by the house anymore, unless you're sober."

"Think I'm an alcoholic Nate?"

"I think you're killing yourself. I think you're trying to kill yourself and…I can't let my son watch you do it. He loves you too much for me to put him through that."

"I'm sorry," Lucas said, genuinely. He truly did love his nephew.

"Do you want me to get you some help Luke?" Nathan asked the question for the hundredth time and for the hundredth time Lucas shook his head slowly.

"I deserve this."

__

I hear your I hate you everyday. Well, I fucking hate me too.

"But you DON'T," Nathan exploded. "You don't deserve what you're doing to yourself."

"Yes I do."

"Does Brooke? Huh?"

"I don't ask her to stay," Lucas countered, through clenched teeth.

_I am afraid to be alone, which is why I am with her. Whenever the mood strikes me, and it is rarely, I do make love to her and my soul cries for you every time. _

"God only knows why she does," Nathan threw his arms up. "Where is she anyway?"

Lucas shrugged. "New York. Some fashion thing."

"Luke-"

"Go home Nathan," Lucas ordered.

"The darkness doesn't hold any answers Lucas."

"I'm not looking for answers, Nate. I just-I want-"

_Redemption._

"Lucas, I know you know how to fight. You have fought for what you want before. Fight for it again. Fight for her."

"It's too late Nathan,"

"Bullshit!"

Lucas's eyes flared and he shot up and he charged at his brother and got into his face. The two stood nose to nose.

"_Don't_ come into _my_ fucking place and yell at me okay! You don't know anything! You don't fucking know what I know! I hurt her! It's ME! Nathan! I hurt her! It's what I DO!"

"This isn't just about you, Luke! Stop being so _fucking_ stubborn!"

"Fuck you!"

"Yeah that's right. Lash out at everyone around you. You know that you are to blame for the way your life turned out. But you know what? A man would pick himself back up, not crawl into a hole and die! You're taking everyone down with you!"

Lucas was shaking with fury. "I swear to god if you don't get out now, I'll throw you out myself!"

"You don't know what I know and you are going to kill yourself before you see it!"

Lucas's eyes narrowed and Nathan bit his tongue. "What the hell does that mean?" Lucas asked.

"Things just aren't always what they seem, Luke," Nathan said, his voice finally lowering.

Nathan watched the fight go out of him. The man seemed to age before his eyes. Tiredly he murmured, "Go home Nathan."

Lucas got up and walked into his bathroom and shut it behind him.

__

I still feel you out there Peyton. I do. And it has to be you, otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago.

**Hey it's not a knee in the testicles, but Lucas torture it is. Sorry Journey Lucas. You aren't The show's Lucas, but it still felt good making you miserable. Don't fret. Your frown shall be turned around in due time.**

**See that button below? Press it and leave a review. I double dog dare you. ;-) **


	23. Chapter 23

**How could I not update this when I updated Bliss, hmmm? Sorry about the shortness of it though. **

"We need to tell him."

Nathan slammed the door behind him and marched into the kitchen where Haley had stopped what she was doing to stare up at her husband.

"Nathan-"

"He's killing himself Haley! He's killing himself and there is _nothing_ any of us can do. Can you really look at me and say this is all for the best? Huh? Lets respect Peyton's wishes? Fuck that, Haley."

"Nathan," she hissed, nodding her head behind him. Nathan turned around and looked guiltily down at his son who stood there and stared at him with his mouth agape.

"Hey, buddy. Sorry. That was-"

"You said a _very_ bad word," Jamie informed him, breathlessly. "Momma does he get a time out?"

"Yes he does," Haley said. She glared at Nathan before turning her attention back to Jamie. "But sweetie I need you to go upstairs and play. This is grown up talk."

Instead of listening to his mother, the five year old asked, "Is Uncle Lucas gonna die?"

Haley and Nathan looked at each other, seriously. It was Nathan that spoke up, honestly.

"I hope not, bud. Go on upstairs for now. We'll shoot around later."

The little Scott that took after his uncle turned and went upstairs.

"Sorry," Nathan apologized. Haley waved him off and crossed her arms with a sigh.

"How is he?"

"It's bad, Hales. You know it is. He's got a bottle in every corner of that room."

Tears burned Haley's eyes and she walked into Nathan's embrace. She'd watched her best friend's slide in the abyss; Watched him become a person she didn't recognize.

"He's fading Haley."

"Where is Brooke?"

"New York. I don't know when she'll be back."

"I don't see how telling him will help Nathan, it might hurt him more than anything."

Nathan held her at arms length, disbelief written all over his face.

"How can you say that? Haley, the man has a son that he doesn't know about. That could pull him back."

"Or push him farther! Think about it Nathan. Not only will it hurt him to know he had a son she didn't tell him about, but what if he were to go down there? You think Peyton would just let him waltz back into her life? She has never once said that child is Lucas's. Not once."

"Oh Haley don't gimme that. We may not have seen Keith in person, but…Anyone who knows Lucas Scott would look at the picture Jake sent us and know without a doubt."

"I know that, Nate. I know! But, do you remember when Peyton finally told us she was pregnant? What she said? She said Jake and I are having a baby. Jake sent that picture and if he didn't I'm pretty sure we wouldn't know what Keith even looked like. She is obviously insistent about Lucas having nothing to do with him. If Lucas knew and went down there…It would kill him to have her say it to his face."

"That's…conjecture Haley. Do you honestly think she would do that?"

"She's keeping Keith from him isn't she?"

"That doesn't matter, Haley. We know that kid is not Jake's, okay. You can't seriously tell me Lucas would see Keith and believe any of the shitty excuses that Peyton uses."

"Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But he'll walk away when she tells him to leave- because he's punishing himself for something, Nathan," Haley's voice broke off in a sob, her heart breaking for her oldest and best friend.

"Hey," Nathan cupped the back of her head and rested it against his chest as she cried.

"I don't know how to help him anymore either, Nathan, short of conking him on the head and dragging him to rehab."

"I know, babe."

"I know its wrong Nathan. It is so wrong to keep him from his son, but it's just not our place."

Nathan wanted to say, "Fuck, not our place." His brother was dying, and even though he saw part of Haley's point, he couldn't just sit back and do nothing.

Brooke certainly wasn't doing anything. He knew it wasn't her job to fix him, but he couldn't understand how the woman stayed and watched his brother crawl deeper and deeper into the bottle. He knew it affected her. He could see it every time he ran into her on the street. She looked tired, hassled, and rightly so.

The two did nothing but argue. It was their old high school relationship minus the good times and the sex. Lucas treated her like a doormat on the best of days and Nathan couldn't help the niggling feeling that maybe-just maybe Brooke was punishing herself for something too.

The shrill ringing of t telephone interrupted the couple's thoughts and Nathan pulled away to answer it.

"Hello?"

As Nathan took the call, Haley looked back at the forgotten dinner, her thoughts falling back upon her wayward friends. She almost laughed. Wayward was an understatement. They were lost at sea, caught up in a maelstrom. Lucas was so lost, not even his mother could pull him back, but things between Lucas and Karen had never gotten back to normal after Jimmy Edwards shot Keith and then himself.

Karen had not come back to them and although she never said it out loud, Haley got the impression that she blamed Lucas for Keith's death, leaving her to wonder how they'd all diverged so completely from their destined paths. She couldn't fathom that the journey would be this hard for someone, yet stone after stone and thorn after thorn sent her closest friends on a lonely path towards destruction.

"What now?" Haley sighed, gearing herself up for yet another blow.

Every moment, every happening sets our course, sends us left, right, leaves us standing still, looking backwards or running for cover…..

Nathan hung up the phone, his mouth agape.

And at any given moment a landmine can appear….

"Dan's in jail. He-he confessed to murdering Keith."

And it can blow us to pieces.

"

"Why? Why after so long?" Nathan fumed, pacing back and forth on the carpet. From the couch Haley looked at her raging husband pleadingly. Karen sat beside her a complete and utter mess. She was beside herself when she called Nathan and the two had hurried over, stopping to drop Jamie off at Skillz' apartment. When they arrived Karen had relayed the whole story.

Dan had been acting strangely for a long time. He barely slept. And sometimes she caught him talking to himself. He also spent vast amounts of time at Tree Hill cemetery, but Karen had forced herself to think it was remorse for being so horrible to his brother when he was alive. That morning before he left he looked at her with an unreadable expression painted across his face.

And then he had said three chilling words that made Karen realize her life was about to take another unexpected and unwelcome turn. Three words that made her realize her life for the past few years had been a sham, had been in vain.

"I'm so sorry," he'd said. Two hours later she'd gotten the call.

"How did I not see," Karen demanded. Her skin was crawling. She felt sick and like the biggest fool on the planet. For two years she had shared a bed with the man who stole the love of her life away, his own brother. A man who had abandoned her son and after fracturing her own relationship with Lucas over Keith's death, had put the final nail in the coffin, so to speak, by pursuing her. And she had helped him.

Her thoughts turned immediately to her son who she had essentially abandoned. She had blamed him for Keith's death and now to find out it had been Dan….

"Oh God," Karen cried, for the hundredth time. "Oh God, how didn't I see?"

"Karen, it's not your fault," Haley shrugged helplessly. She had thought Karen had lost her mind when she began dating Dan, but had kept mum, because Karen seemed relatively happy. It was the best anyone she knew had acquired up to that point. Everyone else was just plain miserable.

Nathan glanced over at the pair in annoyance, but his annoyance was solely for Lucas's mother. He had no sympathy for the woman who knew Lucas wasn't doing well, yet did nothing but shack up with the bastard who'd abandoned him.

He had just wanted to come over and see for himself that it was true, even though as soon as he heard the news he knew it was.

At that moment the front door opened and shut, then Lucas appeared in the doorway. His face had a days worth of stubble upon it, and his eyes were bloodshot. They could smell the booze from clear across the room. Haley and Nathan were used to it, but not Karen Roe.

When she looked up at him, new tears began to fall. "Lucas," she breathed in astonishment. This was her boy? What had happened to her little boy?

Lucas ignored her. "Is it true?"

"How did you find out?" Nathan asked.

"I work for the newspaper," Lucas replied, shortly, before his gaze landed on his mother. "Well is it? Your boyfriend murdered Keith?"

Haley gapped, as she felt Karen cringe. "Luc-"

"Yeah," Nathan cut in. "It's true."

Lucas chuffed and nodded. "Figures."

He turned to leave, when Nathan's voice echoed behind him. "Did you drive here?"

Sighing Lucas turned around. "No. My license is suspended. Dui," he added with a shrug.

"You didn't tell me that," Nathan said in shock.

"I think I just did," Lucas shot back in irritation. He was going to turn again when Karen found her voice.

"A dui? Lucas-"  
"Don't Mom. Don't give me that," he spat. "Your boyfriend is gone so now you wanna be my mom again?"

"Lucas I was always your mother," Karen tried.

"BULLSHIT!" Lucas's voice shook the house. Haley's hand flew to her mouth, shocked at the curse that had been hurled so violently from son to mother. Nathan gapped at him completely flabbergasted, but knowing this had been a long time coming. Karen sat like a statue for a moment and the complete silence of the room was broken when she stood, marched over to him and slapped him in the face.

"Don't you _ever_ speak to me like that again! Look at you! Look at you, I didn't raise you to be a drunk! I didn't raise you to just give up on your life!"

The slap in the face didn't phase him, but her words did.

"Don't turn this around on me! Don't make this about me. Where were _you_! Huh? Two years Mom! Where were you!? I _needed_ you! My whole world was falling apart and you were fucking the guy who took away the only person who really loved me. He took my father! And you blamed me! You know you did!"

Karen stood there, shocked, tears swimming in her eyes. She didn't want to. God help her she didn't want to blame him, and a large part of her knew logically that it was not her son's fault that Jimmy Edwards brought a gun to school that day or that he went into that school to save someone he loved. It wasn't his fault that Keith walked into that school for him or that Dan took the opportunity to do away with his brother once and for all.

But a part of her did. The part that was grieving. The part that saw her son and that Sawyer girl together and knew she would never be able to have that again.

"You didn't have to go into that school," she cried, brokenly.

"Yeah I did," Lucas replied, quietly. "Because the man Dan murdered went into the school for the exact same reason I went in. And that's how Keith raised _me_."

The trembling of Lucas's lower lip was all that betrayed the hurt he felt. "_You_ left _me_, Mom. You gave up first. So don't you _dare_, even think of lecturing me for my life and loving a woman the way Keith loved you."

Tears fell down Karen's cheeks. She was choked with regret. "Lucas, I-"

"Don't," Lucas shook his head, deflating in seconds. His chest felt heavy. He was tired, so tired of all of it.

"How do I make it right, Luke?" Karen pleaded, grasping her son's hands. "God, how do I make it right? I will do _anything_."

Lucas looked down at their hands and then up at her, before pulling himself from her grasp. Two years was a long time to have a mother seemingly not give a damn. And at this point, nothing and no one mattered anymore.

"There's nothing to fix," he murmured, before turning to leave.

"Lucas please!" Karen pleaded.

"Luke, at least let me drive you home," Haley offered. The blonde shook his head, and without turning, replied, hollowly.

"Doesn't matter. I'll walk."

"Lucas," Karen cried again, desperately. She had a sinking feeling that if her son walked out the door she would never see him again. But this time, Lucas didn't stop.

**I know what you're thinking. Day-um, Lexlady, what's with all the angst? Bear with me peeps. It'll get worse, but then it'll get better and then you can mail me candy! Until then, leave a review. ;)**


	24. Chapter 24

_**Hello all, I'm never 100 happy with anything I write, but I think and hope this chapter will do its job. Thank you thank you to everyone who has read my stories and a very special thanks to those who leave me long rambling reviews. I'd really really like feedback on this chapter to know how I did. **_

**_The song is Irvine, from Kelly Clarkson's My December. It's a beautiful song that instantly made me think of Lucas and Peyton and I just had to add it in here at the last second. I generally think songs in fics can be kind of cheesy sometimes, but I'm a big cheese, so there you go..._**

_Are you there?  
Are you watching me?  
As I lie here on this floor  
They say you feel what I do  
They say you're here every moment  
Will you stay?  
Stay 'till the darkness leaves  
Stay here with me  
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one  
But you might be the only one who sees me  
The only one to save me  
_

"So, I take it from the look on Mama Lucas's face that the news is true," Rachel said, as she slid into the booth across from Brooke, who immediately shushed her. They turned to look at the pale woman who seemed to be moving on autopilot, ignoring all the stares and whispers of her patrons.

It had been over a week since the news of Mayor Scott's shocking confession and the two women, newly returned from New York were definitely still feeling aftershocks throughout the town.

When Brooke had arrived home, it was to the familiar sight of Lucas laid out upon the bed, drinking scotch, and staring off into space. She had sighed and looked at him sadly.

"I'm home," she'd said uselessly. Liquid blue eyes found her and then skittered away, before he'd stood up and announced he was going for a run. It was activity and she would have been hopeful had there been anything behind his eyes that told her he was still in there.

She could usually find something, anger, pain, a great deal of guilt. Those were strange things to hold onto, strange things to feel positive about. But when someone is spiraling the drain, you hold onto whatever emotion there is left. Guilt, pain, anger, they all take effort. With nothing behind his eyes now….

"He's not even trying anymore," Brooke rasped.

"What?" Rachel furrowed her brows at her friend. Brooke swiped quickly at her eyes.

"Lucas. He's gone, Rachel…and it's my fault."

"Brooke you didn't hand him the bottle. He had a choice."

"He didn't have a choice that night," Brooke mumbled. Silence fell over the two women. Neither of them had spoken of it in several years, although it hung over them everyday.

While in New York, companies had taken great interest in her fashion-line. But Brooke couldn't bring herself to accept any of the offers made. She had made a silent commitment to herself and to Lucas to make up for the betrayal. She thought she could make him happy. Not only had she failed miserably, but she had ended up stalling her own life even as Lucas's was circling the drain. And she was going down with him….

"What can I get you two?"

"Karen?"

The haggard woman looked up from her notepad in a daze. "Brooke! Oh my. I'm sorry. I'm just a little distracted."

"Don't worry about it," Brooke waved off her apology. "How are you doing in all this?"

Karen shook her head and shrugged, wiping her eyes discreetly. She looked far older than her forty-one years. "I'm falling apart. I made a mistake and spent years blaming someone for something that wasn't their fault."

"Lucas?"

Karen nodded quickly. "All that time wasted. How is he?"

Brooke bristled, unsure of how much she should lie. Karen had been calling all week, but Lucas refused to take any of her or Nathan and Haley's calls.

Yet another thing that worried her. Lucas bore Haley and Nathan's visits before, now he was having her lie to them and tell them he wasn't home. He was cutting himself off from everyone, including her.

Karen read the struggle going on in the young woman's face, could see that Brooke looked as emotionally beaten down as she did.

"Has he…always been this bad?"

Brooke nodded slowly. "But you two are together. You've been together," Karen asked, with slight confusion. Again, Brooke nodded, feeling a blush of shame paint her face. Knowing she couldn't make Lucas happy was bad enough, but to have his mother who only wished for him a woman who to take care of him, see that she was failing was humiliating. Both women's minds wandered to a certain curly haired blonde.

"So what can I get you two?"

"Just a cup of hot water and lemon for me," Brooke replied, somberly.

"Make that two and the cobb salad with a side of french fries," Rachel said, cringing internally at the amount of negativity surrounding her.

"I'll be right back. It was good to see you Brooke," Karen said, offering her a small smile. "Take care of yourself."

They watched her walk off, the word, "yourself" echoing in Brooke's ear. She couldn't take care of him, she thought, sadly. _I can't do this anymore_.

_Rachel had opened her mouth to break the choking silence, but Brooke beat her to it._

"I'm going to tell Lucas about what we did," she blurted.

Rachel gapped at her momentarily. That was the last thing she expected to hear from the brunette. "What? After all this time, why now?"

Brooke shook her head. "Because…because I don't want to live with this guilt anymore. Because, I never realized that _this_ was him without her. I don't want this anymore, Rachel," she broke off, feeling frustrated tears burn her eyes.

"I don't want it for me," she cried. "And I don't want it for him. I love him, still. I do, and maybe that's part of what kept me quiet. He's going to hate me, and then he'll leave me and I'll be alone, but he's dying Rach. And I don't want his death on my head. I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm done being angry and I'm done being bitter."

Rachel spoke slowly, aware of the fragile nature of the woman sitting before her. "While that's very noble of you and what I've been telling you to do for years, how will this change anything for him? He's practically a zombie. It might be too little too late."

"Don't say that! He just needs something to fight for and….maybe if he knows what Peyton saw, what she thought-thinks, he'll have something to fight for again."

"Do you even know where Peyton is? She could be married with five kids for all we know. And him knowing doesn't change what Peyton saw with her own eyes and the fact that she still thinks he's a lying man-whore."

Brooke shook her head, her mind going a mile a minute. "You're right. You're right, maybe…I should find Peyton first-"

"Um, Brooke…," Rachel gasped.

Brooke went on as though she didn't say anything, pale hope springing to life and a plan formed in her mind. "Haley and Nathan still talk to her, I think. I'll ask them. I'll find her."

"How do you know this will work, Brooke," Rachel asked, gently. Brooke sighed finally.

__

Why is it so hard?  
Why can't you just take me?  
I don't have much to go  
Before I fade completely

"I don't know Rachel. I don't know how I'll find her or if she'll even listen to me, but she's the only person who can get through to him, now. I have to try because we can't keep going the way we're going. He can't, and neither can I."

__

Dear Peyton,

__

Do you remember that day we hid out in the library and I asked to tell me about a good day? You told me about the snow fort you built with Brooke and then after you kissed me, you asked me to tell you about a good day. I felt you slipping away from me, like I feel you slipping away from me now, even as I watch you now, radiant and sleeping only a foot away from me.

You were begging me to give you something to hold onto. And I needed that hold as much as you did. I chose that day, the summer before, when we hopped in your comet and took off down the coast with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Do you remember that? We sang Queen all the way down and all the way back. I rambled on to you about the whole summer before you lost consciousness. All of it, even the bad days when we pissed each other off. Even the worst days with you were the best, Peyt because I was with you.

You are my good day, Peyton.

He had been ducking their phone calls for over a week, had Brooke tell them he wasn't home when they came by to see him. He didn't want to listen to Karen apologize again. It was a betrayal that would take years for him to even begin to forgive her for.

When he had received the call, from one of the reporters at the newspaper he hadn't been surprised at all. That day had stayed with him for many reasons. A day like that always does. But one of those reasons had been his feeling funny about the idea of Jimmy killing Keith. It was something he'd pushed to the back of his mind though, in the wake of prom and everything else that happened subsequently.

Hearing the news made him feel two things. Sick and Guilt, sick to think that his mother had been sharing her bed with a murderer, that a killer had been breathing free air while Keith rotted in the ground and guilt for not having listened to his gut and investigated what really happened that day. He wasn't sure that it would have done any good. Lucas was used to feeling useless. He couldn't keep Peyton, he couldn't make Brooke happy, he couldn't get his book published, he couldn't go a day without a drink.

He hated the person he saw staring back at him, the few times he looked in the mirror. He wasn't an idiot. He knew exactly what he was doing. While Haley and Nathan and Brooke seemed to think he was spinning out of control, he was in complete control of the wheel. He _wanted_ to watch his life fall apart piece by piece, because that was how he felt. It was only a matter of time before the physical caught up with what was left inside, and that was nothing.

__

Can you feel how cold I am?  
Do you cry as I do?  
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?  
Like I have felt all my life  
The only one to save mine

He felt himself slipping away, felt his time drawing short. He knew it because he'd begun looking backwards upon his life, not the bad parts that haunted him everyday, but the good days. In those last moments of life it's what a person did.

He left his apartment and began walking, aimlessly, his thoughts solely with her, despite all of the mess his life had become. Part of him hoped she was happy and safe. Part of him hoped she was lost without him too and he hated himself even more for thinking so selfishly. She deserved to be happy after all the pain he'd caused her and it was a lot.

He found himself in front of Nathan and Haley's house, strangely enough. Why he had come here after avoiding them all week was beyond him, but the momentum of life seemed to be propelling him forward towards places of comfort even when he felt himself unworthy of those luxuries.

Family, love, safety, there was no place for him there, he thought as he stood in front of the home he'd once wished for himself and for Peyton.

He felt like an intruder as he wandered towards the back, drawn by the sounds of Jamie's laughter.

__

How are you so strong?  
What's it like to feel so free?  
Your heart is really something  
Your love, a complete mystery to me

"Mama, look at me!" Jamie cried as he cannon-balled into the pool. Haley and Nathan laughed, delighted and thankful for their son and all his sweetness and innocence. He knew nothing of Dan and only that his uncle was always sad.

He stood back watching, his tired body weaving slightly on his feet.

He didn't intend on talking to any of them. He just wanted to see something beautiful again before the darkness took him.

"Uncle Luke!"

He stepped back quickly, Jamie's outburst shaking him out of his trance. Dammit. Haley and Nathan had stood and were looking at him and he had no choice but to propel himself forward.

"Hey J-Luke," he greeted, forcing a smile upon his face as the little boy raced over to him. Haley and Nathan stood back a bit, watching their son interact with his uncle carefully.

"That was a huge cannon-ball there. Good form."

"Thanks! I'm not a baby like Keith," Jamie said, puffing up his little chest, and comparing himself to the only other baby he knew. Lucas's brows crinkled in confusion, as Haley gasped behind them.

"Who's Keith?"

"Jamie, why don't you go inside with daddy," Haley said, but the child continued on hoping to draw his uncle into a conversation as he always tried to do when Lucas was around.

"Peyton and Jake's baby. He can't do cannon balls like I can…."

Speaking of…..

__

Are you there watching me?

Lucas felt like he'd been hit with one-no three. His eyes shot up to Nathan and Haley who both seemed to be holding their breath.

"Peyton and Jake…They have a baby?" His voice disturbingly quiet. And there it was. The last bit of hope he had unknowingly been holding onto-disappeared in that moment.

__

As I lie here on this floor

Nathan spoke up quickly, intending fully on telling Lucas the truth, "_Peyton_ had a baby, Luke but…"

His brother had gone pale and the chill that went down Nathan's spine wouldn't leave him. "Peyton and Jake are together," Lucas murmured, almost to himself, feeling the last of his spirit leave him. He stepped away when Haley tried to reach out to grab his arm.

__

Do you cry, do you cry with me?

"Lucas listen to me," Haley cried, reaching for him again, but Lucas took another large step back and before they could speak again, he'd turned and raced out of the gate.

"Uncle Luke?" Jamie called, in confusion. Haley was already halfway out the gate herself, yelling at Nathan to stay with Jamie.

"Tell him, Haley!" Nathan shouted, desperately after her.

__

Cry with me tonight

Oh God, oh God, oh God, she screamed at herself as she looked left, then right to figure out which way Lucas had gone. She should have told him sooner, she thought as she ran. He needed something to believe in again, he needed something to hold onto and she's let him down in the worst possible way.

It didn't take her long to find him at the River Court, panting hands in his hair looking around wildly for something to hold onto.

"Lucas! Please listen to me," she cried, trying to grab a hold of his arms as he paced aimlessly, back and forth.

"It should have been me," he whimpered to himself. "It's not fair. It should have been me."

"Lucas, Lucas you don't understand-It _is _you! Lucas please," she begged him to listen, growing more frightened by the second. She'd never seen him this way before. He was almost manic, a chilling change from the lifeless zombie he'd been for over three years.

"She said she didn't know how to be without me," he cried, without hearing her, his face awash with tears. "We made love and she said-But I don't know how to be without _her._"

"Lucas!"  
"It should have been me Haley! It should have be-"

"Lucas?"

"Oh God," he gasped, grasping his chest as his heart began to speed up. He'd forgotten how much it hurt. He'd been waiting patiently for it, but the pain surprised him, and calmed him.

"Lucas?!" Haley screamed, trying to hold onto him as he began to collapse, scrambling in her pocket for her cell phone.

"LUCAS STAY WITH ME!"

__

Are you there?

But her cries and her hysterical 911 call slowly began to fade out. He wanted to tell her it was alright. He'd been waiting for this. There was a full bottle of his heart medication in a sock drawer to prove it. This was the end of the road. This was his stop. He hoped the ambulance took its time because this was what he'd been waiting for….

__

Are you watching me?

Oblivion. Nothing. And silence.

**It's official. Writing fanfiction is way more fun than studying for stupid French quizzes. Tell all your friends...Then leave a review and tell me how I did. **


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: Just a quick note on this chapter. I am not a doctor. Writers get to take liberties and I'm pretty sure I took a few here. I have done some research, but lets face it, I am an English student that still can't seem to put the comma in the right place. So don't ask me to know the ins and outs of the human heart. Feel free to PM me if you are a heart expert and you just can't help yourself. **

**Thanks again, so much to everyone who has taken the time to leave a review. **

"Lucas Scott," Nathan cried, as he exploded into the emergency room of Tree Hill Hospital. The harried-looking nurse slowly raised her head and gestured towards the waiting area. The man didn't even turn his panicked blue-eyes. "He was just brought in, in cardiac arrest," he went on. "I'm his brother!"

The nurses eyes softened when the man's voice cracked. "I'm sorry sir, but I don't have any information for you here. If you'll have a seat-"

"Nathan."

Nathan spun hearing his voice, strangled and weak as though from the bottom of a deep dark well and found his wife standing before him pale and trembling. His shoulders sank and he felt his own lip tremble a bit.

"Is he-"

"They're still working on him," she whispered so quietly that he had to strain to hear her. "He…he had a heart attack. He was yelling…and he was crying Nathan and he just…he-he fell apart right in front of me Nathan and this all my fault!"

He caught her as she collapsed into body-wracking sobs in his arms.

"Don't-Don't do this to yourself."

"He looked dead, Nathan! When they put him on the ambulance he looked dead and they had to shock him an-"

"Shhh," Nathan soothed, as much for himself as for her. He needed to be strong for both of them, even though he wanted to fall into a mess of sobs himself. He wanted to cry and scream and put his fist through the wall. But Karen was one her way and so was Brooke. Someone needed to keep it together, in case his brother didn't make it.

And how could he, Nathan thought. They'd all been so worried about his drinking that they'd forgotten about his HCM. He tried to remember the last time he was at Lucas's collecting alcohol bottles, whether or not he'd seen his medication anywhere. He found the perfect way to kill himself, he thought. "Dammit Lucas," Nathan whispered. "Damn you."

"Haley! Nathan!" Karen ran into the ER with Brooke hot on heels. "Where is he?"

"What happened?" Brooke cried.

"We don't anything yet," Nathan murmured, rubbing Haley's hiccupping back soothingly.

"But he had a heart attack?" Karen warbled on the brink of tears, having never seen Haley this upset before.

The petite brunette looked up at them finally with red-rimmed eyes. "He went into cardiac arrest. His heart stopped," Haley's voice cracked.

"Oh my God," Karen whimpered, sinking into a chair with her head in her hands.

"Haley," Brooke whispered in silent tears. She had been driving to Nathan and Haley's to inquire about Peyton's whereabouts when she'd gotten the call. Now, it seemed she might be too late. "What happened?"

"I-He was upset, Brooke. He ran from our house to the River Court. By the time I caught up with him, he was practically hyperventilating."

"Why was he upset?" Karen asked, raising her head from her hands to look at Haley.

"There's a whole list these days Karen," Nathan couldn't help saying, with a tone that fully conveyed to the older woman what his feelings about her role in all of this were.

"I'm sure you can imagine what some of those things are."

"Nathan-" Haley warned.

The older woman looked up at him sadly. "You're blaming me? That's fine, Nathan. I blame myself every damn day for what has happened to that boy."

"That's not what he meant," Haley pleaded standing between the two, pinning Nathan with a hard stare when he opened his mouth to let her know that was exactly what he meant.

"Nathan _please._ We _all_ saw him falling apart!" Haley growled, angrily, tears making their way silently down her cheek. "All of us. I know none of us forced that alcohol down his throat, but we didn't do enough to help him. As far as I'm concerned everyone of us here is to blame for him lying in there."

The four stood and sat, each silently condemning themselves for the life somewhere behind the doors of the ER hanging in the balance. Every time, the doors opened four sets of eyes would look up expectantly. The wait wasn't as long as it seemed, but for the four people still clinging to the last of Lucas Scott, the wait seemed like forever. An hour later a man in scrubs approached the waiting room.

"Who is here for Lucas Scott?"

The four surged upon the doctor, who raised his hands in a calming motion and asked them to sit down.

"Is my son okay, doctor?"

"Mr. Scott went into full cardiac arrest and was resuscitated on the scene by the EMTs. His heart crashed once more when he got to us. We were able to get his heart beating again and we currently have him stabilized, but he has fallen into coma."

He waited only a second for the news to sink in. Karen looked like she was about to be sick and Brooke took her trembling hand in her own, as tears came unbidden. Haley sat beside a stoic Nathan, one hand holding on tightly to his, the other pressed over her mouth to keep from sobbing out loud.

"According to his medical charts on file Mr. Scott is currently taking medication for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. I don't need to tell you what a tremendous strain a heart attack is upon a strong heart. And Lucas's heart is very, very weak."

"How," Karen whispered, weakly. "How did this happen?"

"It is most likely a combination of things," the doctor replied. "We did a chest x-ray and ECG and both show severe thickening of the muscles in his heart. I'm sure you know this is what HCM does. It is unlikely that the medication he has been prescribed simply stopped its effectiveness, in fact blood work shows hardly any traces of the drug in his system at all."

"He stopped taking his pills." Nathan spoke, voicing what everyone had suddenly realized. Brooke sucked her lip into her mouth and bit down on it hard. How could she have missed it? She lived with him and shared a bed with him, how could she have missed it?

The doctor took in the devastated faces and realized he was right in thinking there was far more to this situation than a few carelessly missed dosages. " His blood work also shows his alcohol level much higher than it should be."

"He-he drinks a lot," Brooke murmured, shame-facedly. "He won't get help."

"For how long?" the doctor asked, jotting down notes.

"Um….on and off for about two years," Brooke replied. "It's only gotten really bad in the last couple of months-but-"

"He's got bottles all over the room," Nathan finished, glaring at Brooke.

"How much would you say he drinks? About how much."

"I-don't know…" Brooke stumbled, turning pink under their gazes.

"You _live_ with him," Nathan exclaimed.

"Nathan, you aren't helping," Haley cried, pulling him to sit back in his chair.

"He usually drink out of that flask-" Brooke whimpered, breaking down into tears. "I don't know what's in it or how many times he fills it up. He doesn't talk to me, Nathan! He _barely_ knows I'm there half the time! Where were you huh? You're his brother!"

"Stop it! BOTH of you," Karen cried, shooting out of her seat.

"It is a small miracle," the doctor began, trying to diffuse the tension somewhat, "that at this point we didn't need to operate. It is never easy when a loved one is struggling with substance abuse."

"At this point?" Karen finally turned around to pin the doctor with a wet-eyed stare. "You're going to have to operate?"

"His condition is very critical and we will continue to monitor him, closely. Although, he is stable now, there is a chance the strain on his heart will prove too great and he may crash again. In that case, we will need to operate, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I would rather not discuss heart surgery with his heart as weak as it is now. It's a last resort and something we'll need to talk about when he's stronger. But, a coma is the body's way of regenerating itself. This may be the best thing for him now. Right now all we can do is wait and see what Lucas's body decides to do."

"Can we see him?" Karen asked.

"Of course. The nurse should have him settled in room 112. You can go on up. There is some paperwork that needs to be taken care of…"

"I'll take care of it," Brooke said, as they all stood. "Thank you."

The doctor nodded and gave them a reassuring smile before walking back through the double doors.

"You guys go ahead," Brooke said somberly. "I'll fill this stuff out."

"Thanks, Brooke," Haley said, squeezing the other woman's hand. She watched them walk to the elevator, before turning towards the nurses station. The truth was she needed a moment to get it together. She needed a moment to reconcile her guilt, because years of her own anger and hurt had brought them here. That night at the party had changed everything and all of their paths had diverged from where they should have been. She wished she had known then, what she knew now. That the road she'd turned them upon was headed for this.

Sitting down with Lucas's paperwork, she began filling the blanks in. Birthday, social security number, insurance information, personal things that a loving live-in girlfriend would know. Strange, considering they hadn't had a real conversation in months, hadn't made love in twice as long. She couldn't tell you when their relationship began unraveling and she knew it was because it was never really together to begin with. But she knew his social security number.

And she knew in the back of her mind that he'd wanted to die. Still, the call from Haley had been a shock and she knew she had been living deep in the heart of denial for far longer than she'd thought.

A drop of wetness landed on the page before her, raising and darkening the surface. When it was rapidly joined by a second and third, she numbly realized she was crying….and their was no end in sight.

* * *

"I hate this place," Haley sighed, hollowly as they stepped off the elevator.

"Not a whole lot of good memories here," Nathan said. They shuffled down the stark white hallway, falling back into their own heads, all of them beating themselves up for different reasons. Time it seemed, had slowed and cast a spotlight upon them all, forcing them to look back upon the countless moments and missed opportunities to somehow make it right.

"Room 112," Nathan read unnecessarily. They could already see him lying there amidst countless monitors and wires.

Karen walked in first, slowly as though he was only asleep and she was afraid to wake him. Haley and Nathan watched her smooth a trembling hand over his pale brow, before breaking down once again into tears.

"I can't do this," Haley whispered when Nathan went to move forward.

"What do you mean you can't do this?"

"I can't see him like this, knowing that we could have prevented it," her voice trembled as she stared at her best friend. "I let him down."

"We let him down," Nathan amended. "It's not easy for me to see him in there either, Haley. To know that he purposely did this to himself. But he is going to wake up-"

"You don't know that," Haley cried, her haunted eyes turning towards his. "You didn't see him Nate. He was in pieces. He wouldn't hear me. He _let_ the darkness take him and if you saw him, Nathan you'd know that he doesn't want to come back."

"Then we give him a reason to fight like hell," Nathan replied with conviction, pulling his crying wife into his arms.

"How, Nate?" Haley had never felt more hopeless. "How can we bring him back from this?"

"We have to call Peyton."

**I got an A on that French quiz, but enough about that, how'd I do with the chapter? **


	26. Chapter 26

**I don't know why, but these chapters have been coming to me very quickly, and although I know you all would rather I update Bliss, I couldn't ignore the surge of inspiration I got for this story. So I hope you all enjoy it. **

**Once again, thank you all so much for your kind reviews. I'd like to say the more reviews I get, the faster you get updates, but since I've been updating this story two days, that trick ain't gonna fly. ****So you know how coffee places have tips jars because when you pour someone's coffee you apparently deserve a little extra something along with your pay? Well, I don't get paid for my stories...so please leave a tip in the form of a review. They are greatly appreciated. **

"Hey Ben," Peyton panted, juggling Keith and a diaper bag in one arm and a portfolio bag in another. Her editor, Ben Pratt looked up at her as she huffed in and raised his eyebrows. When Peyton Sawyer first walked into his office three years ago he could see the dark cloud that hovered above her as soon as he laid eyes on her. He knew a little bit about her past. Two dead mothers, and an absentee father. But there was far more hurt hidden beneath the guarded exterior and mile high walls. He wondered how that boyfriend or fiance or whoever he was, lived with it. He wasn't one for mood-rings and tarot cards or whatever, but the chick's aura was totally dark.

"Sorry I'm late with these, but the sitter bailed on me and Jake had to pick up Jenny from-"

"Don't worry about it, kid," Ben said, brushing off her apology breezily with a ringed hand. "But you should know you look like hell," he commented bluntly. The woman before him was frazzled, looking as though she was at the end of her very short poorly made rope. She looked like she hadn't slept in a week and it wasn't far from the truth.

"I'm fine," she replied with a shrug, letting the man pick the baby up out of her arms.

"Didn't ask if you were fine, kid. You're always fine."

"I haven't been sleeping. It's just insomnia," Peyton shrugged, pulling out her strips for the week.

"They make medication for that you know," he sat down and stood Keith on his legs. "You sure you don't wanna go see my doc? He's a miracle worker."

"I don't like taking pills," Peyton shook her head firmly. She'd had this conversation before with both him and Jake. Every time it ended with her adamant refusal for any help, despite the fact that she did feel like hell all the time. She felt tired, weary down to her very bones. It was a fatigue she shouldered though, because she felt she had to. There was no rest for the wicked, and she figured betraying Brooke a total of three times and having a child out of wedlock as a result of betrayal number three and then keeping said child from his father because she simply can't take the pain constituted as downright evil.

"Have it your way, Sawyer. I'm just trying to help. And the only way I know how to do that is to call them like I see them and you look dead on your feet," Ben said, setting Keith who was clutching a soft book in his hands, down on the carpet.

"I'm fine." Peyton closed the subject by pulling her drawings out of the portfolio and laying them across the desk, before looking at him expectantly.

"Okay okay," Ben raised his arms in surrender. "I know when I'm licked. Let's take a look at those strips."

They stood side by side at his desk and as Peyton waited, her eyes fell upon Keith, scooting on wobbly legs all over the office.

"Uh oh," he cooed, before squatting down to pick up the soft book he'd dropped. He toddled to the middle of the floor and plopped himself down with a sigh. He then opened the little book right side up and began looking through it with utter seriousness that would be adorable if it wasn't so heart-breaking. It seemed everyday he was growing to be more and more like his father.

Sometimes…it was hard to look at him and it made Peyton feel like the world's worst mother. He was infinitely sensitive, was quick to offer a smile or a chubby hand when either Jake or Peyton looked blue. He loved books and although he had an easy smile, he spent most of his time looking more contemplative than any baby should.

There was just no escaping Lucas Scott. And no matter how hard she tried not to, there wasn't a day that went by where she didn't think about him and wonder if he was okay….if he missed her at all. She hated herself for wondering those things, for still wanting him after all the pain they'd put each other through. She told herself it was better this way, better that Lucas didn't know about Keith. She didn't want their pain transferred upon her son and besides, Jake was good to him.

But, still there were moments when she saw how selfish she was being keeping Keith away from Lucas. How she sometimes looked at Keith and saw him as the part of Lucas Scott that would never hurt her. It was her greatest source of guilt. His image haunted her most in those hours she laid awake at night waiting for sleep to come. Sometimes she imagined what it would be like if the three of them were together as a family, but those dreams always ended with Lucas hating her for keeping his son from him for so long.

She felt like she had dug herself a hole she would stay in forever and the more time that passed, the hole would get deeper. There was just no escaping it.

"He's getting big."

"Huh?" Ben's comment took a few moments to register to the blonde. "Oh yeah, he is," Peyton smiled the empty smile Ben had come to associate with his morose artist. She looked at him expectantly and he nodded quickly.

"These are good," he said, referring to the strip.

"Good," she said, going to collect her things.

Ben walked back towards his desk and stopped. "Oh hey, I meant to tell you. You know my old college buddy Rick is working up in your hometown at the Mirror."

"Yeah," Peyton replied, guardedly, the mere mention of her hometown sending her pulse up.

"You hear about what happened with the Mayor there?"

"Mayor?" Peyton turned rigid at the mention of Lucas's father. "You mean Dan Scott?"

"Yeah, get this. A week ago the guy walks into the police station and confesses to shooting his brother on the day of that school shooting a few years back. Crazy huh? How the hell did you not hear about it? It's a modern day Cain and Able story. The press is probably eating it up up there. Nothing juicy like that ever happens here…. "

She had stopped listening, her eyes falling back upon her son, Dan Scott's grandson. Oh my God, she thought. Dan Scott the murderer. He murdered Keith.

"Oh my God," she murmured.

"Whoa! Hey!" Ben cried catching her as she wobbled on her feet. "You okay?"

"I-I'm fi-"

The pain came suddenly, lightening fast and with no warning. Her hand flew to her chest as she tried to cry out, but no sound came. Oh God, she thought. It felt like someone grabbed a hold of her heart and squeezed with all their might. She was having a heart attack, she thought with panic. Her eyes landed on Keith who had toddled towards her and had begun crying. She reached out for him to comfort him, hands grasping weakly. She could faintly hear Ben calling 911, and just as quickly as the pain began….it was gone.

She began to breath again in huge gulps, the need for air wracking her body with coughs. As soon as she caught her breath she pulled her crying son into her shaking arms.

"It's okay. Momma's fine. Mommy's okay," she cried, frightened tears falling down her face. Her heart was racing from the fright of what had just happened, but there was no pain at all. Something had grabbed a hold of her and simply let go.

Ben lowered the phone racing back to her side, staring at her, asking questions a mile a minute.

"I-I'm okay," she panted.

"You are not okay, you collapsed in my office," exclaimed the flustered editor. "You are going to the doctor, kid. I don't care if you don't like them! You're going."

Peyton could only nod, her body showing no traces of its prior pain, but filling quickly with cold dread. Not for herself, though. She couldn't shake the feeling that had settled like an icy block in her heart. _Something is wrong. Something is wrong_, she thought. She looked down at the whimpering face of her boy who had begun babbling. It took her a moment to realize what the baby had been cooing, but when she realized it she burst into fresh tears.

With damp fingers stuffed in his mouth, Keith whimpered, "Dada" again and again. Maybe he was calling for Jake, but he had never called Jake, Dada. Not once. Only one person flashed through her mind and his image made the weight in her chest feel heavier.

"Oh God," she cried, holding Keith close. "I'm so sorry baby," she sobbed. She had kept her baby from his father. Whatever hurt they'd done one another, whatever penance she was paying, didn't take away the fact that Lucas was Keith's father and if he knew he had a son….he would be a great one. The kind of father he'd wanted growing up. The kind of father his biological father had taken away from him.

Ben stood back, watching the woman rock her son, and murmur to herself in astonishment. He knew there was something more to this girl than two dead moms and an absentee father and the blubbering mess in front of him proved it.

As medical personal made their way into the office, Peyton continued to rock and apologize to her boy. "I'm sorry," she whispered, over and over.

Ben shook his head and mumbled quietly, "When I'm right, I'm right."

* * *

"Nathan," Haley said, pulling back and walking him a few steps away from Lucas's room. "Call Peyton?"

"Haley, she's his best medicine," he insisted. "And if there is the slightest chance he can hear us, I think the one person who could pull him back is her. Because we all know why he's lying in that hospital bed. He fell apart after she left."

"It's not that simple Nathan. Have you forgotten that Brooke is here too? That Karen is in there without any knowledge of a grandchild. How are we supposed to explain that to them?"

Nathan shrugged carelessly. "Screw it Haley. Brooke knows that Lucas is still in love with Peyton and as far as I'm concerned Karen forfeited the right to know anything about Lucas Scott the day she shacked up with Dan."

Haley tugged him farther away from the room, shushing him as they went. "She'll hear you, Nathan. That woman is going through enough and drowning in guilt that will last her a lifetime. This is not the time to hold onto grudges."

"Well this also isn't the time to fuck around with manners. If my brother is lying on his deathbed then Peyton should know it, because we both know she's still in love with him." Haley shut her eyes and shivered at the word 'deathbed.'

"And that boy should see his father at least once," Nathan finished.

"What if she doesn't come? I can't begin to understand what went on between them that has her not even wanting his name mentioned. Something happened our senior year that made her run far and fast from this place. What if she doesn't _want_ to come back?"

"She'll come back," came a raspy voice from behind them.

They both turned to see Brooke standing in front of them a look of determination and trepidation on her face. "I'll make sure she does."

"Brooke," Haley said glancing at Nathan in confusion.

"He can't live without her. It's pretty obvious," she explained, gesturing towards his room. It was killing her to say it, to make it all real, but she knew she had to for the sake of the man who put himself in that hospital bed.

"We've all been living in denial about how bad he's been and why he got so bad for long enough. Don't you think?"

"Brooke," Haley sighed, glancing at Nathan, who nodded in encouragement. "I think before you go running off to call Peyton yourself, there is something you should know first."

"What is it?" Brooke asked, slowly.

"Peyton…," she took a deep breath. "Peyton had a baby," Haley replied, fidgeting with her hands. Brooke raised her eyebrows in surprise and then they lowered as realization quickly dawned upon her. She knew Peyton was with Jake, but she knew before Haley continued that the baby wasn't his.

"He's fourteen months old…and his name is Keith," Haley sighed, watching Brooke do the math.

"She has never said he was Lucas's, in fact she refers to Jake as his father, but Jake sent us a picture. He has Lucas's eyes."

"Lucas doesn't know?" Brooke asked, although she was pretty sure she knew the answer to that question.

"No," Nathan replied, shamefacedly. There wasn't a day that would go by where he wouldn't hate himself for not saying anything sooner to his brother.

"Brooke, I'm sorry," Haley said, placing a hand on the other woman's arm. "I know this is hard to hear, considering you all's past."

"Lucas has been cheating on me with her from the moment we got back together," Brooke shrugged, sadly. "Whenever we were together, I know he pretended it was her."

"Brooke," Haley sighed. Brooke looked at her with renewed determination.

"Do you know how to contact her?"

"Peyton? Yes, but…I'd understand if you didn't want to."

"Even though we're doing it anyway," Nathan cut in, in a matter of fact manner.

Haley glared at him for his insensitivity. "Nathan," she hissed.

"No," Brooke said, shaking her head. "It's okay, Haley. He-he needs her. Give me the number and I'll call her myself."

"Brooke, you're being…amazing about this," Haley gapped. "This can't be easy for you."

"It's not," Brooke replied, swiping away a tear. "And I'm not amazing. I'm just trying to fix a mistake I made."

"What mistake?" Nathan asked, narrowing his eyes, feeling like there was much more to Brooke's statement.

Brooke looked back towards Lucas's room. "A mistake that I hope to God it's not too late to fix."

* * *

The call he received from Peyton after dropping Jenny off at Nikki's, threw him into a panic. Her voice was thick with many shed tears. She'd said she was in the hospital having tests run because she may have had a heart attack and she needed him to come watch Keith. He raced down to the hospital, breaking traffic laws and barely stopping for red lights. It was a miracle he'd gotten there without getting pulled over.

When he arrived at her room she was in a hospital gown, holding Keith to her chest.

"Peyton? Baby, are you oka-" the words died on his lips as she looked up him. Her eyes were rimmed red and as he looked at her he felt something shift. Something was going to change and although he'd spent the past five years with her and was used to her distance he felt her slipping farther away by the moment.

He grew more worried when he picked Keith up out of her arms and the baby, cooed his name in greeting. The woman dissolved into inconsolable tears and with a sigh he realized the dam had broken and he was seeing years of holed up emotions pouring out of her.

He took Keith to the waiting room and sat down heavily. They were there for over an hour with Keith fussing in his lap when the child whimpered something that made Peyton's tears much clearer. He couldn't hold back the guilty tears that escaped when Keith said it either.

"I know, you miss your Daddy, huh kiddo," he whispered down to the boy who looked up at him with sea blue eyes that broke his heart. "I'm sorry for my part in all this, Keith. I'm sorry, okay?"

Keith whimpered and mumbled "Dada," once again.

"We'll make this right, kiddo. I promise. We'll make it right."

"Ja'," Keith whispered, placing a chubby hand on his face to pat it. Jake remembered those same caring eyes looking at him from Lucas's face after he told him about Jenny.

The two fell into relative silence until the nurse came out and said they could go back to see Peyton. The woman was sitting on the exam table, fiddling with her fingers when they came in.

"Hey you. How do you feel?" Jake had asked, relinquishing Keith to his mother.

Peyton sighed, shakily. "Physically, I feel fine."

The doctor came in with Peyton's test results before Jake could ask her what she'd meant by that.

"Miss Sawyer, I'm looking through your charts and all the tests have come back negative."

"What?" Peyton demanded, her face painted with confusion. "That can't be possible. I felt the pain in my chest, it was overwhelming. I-I couldn't breath."

"Your heart and breath sounds are good. Your ECG showed no signs stress to the heart and your blood work came back negative showing no cardiac markers or enzymes that are often present when damage to the heart occurs. Aside from your blood pressure being a bit higher than we'd like it to be you're perfectly fine and free to go."

"But-" Peyton glanced at Jake and then back to the doctor. "I felt my heart-It felt like someone squeezed it as hard as they could."

"Well, how are you feeling now, Miss Sawyer?"

"Fine, but…." Peyton was at a loss for words.

"Could this have been caused by something else?" Jake asked.

"We ran tests for a range of possibilities for the complaints Miss Sawyer presented. Everything came back negative. You did mention during your workup that you suffered from insomnia and had been feeling stressed and anxious. This is most likely stress related."

"That was not stress," Peyton insisted in frustration. "That was a heart atta-" She cut herself off when she looked down to find Keith staring at her. Another funny feeling taking over her.

"Trust me when I tell you, you're heart is perfectly fine, Miss Sawyer. Many anxiety attacks can seem like a life threatening situation. Now, I can prescribe you something for the insomnia and refer you to a specialist-"

"That won't be necessary," Peyton said, quietly, shaking her head.

"Peyton," Jake tried. "Maybe you should listen to your doctor."

"Can you get me my clothes please?" Peyton asked him, ignoring his previous suggestion.

"Peyton-"

"I want to go home."

"Yeah," Jake murmured. "Lets get you home."

* * *

Keith had fallen asleep on the drive back, which had been silent, minus Jake asking her if she was okay every ten minutes and Peyton responding that she was fine with barely a glance in his direction. When they got home, she went to put him to bed, leaving Jake to wonder how to bring Lucas up again. Every time he did it turned into an argument and nothing got resolved, but Jake new he had to try.

When Peyton reentered the room he looked up at her from the couch with a sigh.

"Before you ask again, I'm fine," Peyton said, wryly.

Jake offered her a small smile and then sat forward. "What happened today Peyton?"

"Apparently nothing," Peyton laughed humorlessly. She sat down beside Jake on the couch, folding her legs under her. "I was in Ben's office and it just hit me. It came out of nowhere, Jake. No warning and the pain was gone just as fast."

"Could anything have triggered it?"

Peyton shivered slightly. "Dan…He killed Keith."

Jake gapped at her, narrowing his eyes. "What? You mean Dan Scott?"

Peyton nodded stealing a glance at Jake. "He confessed a week ago. He was the one who shot him in the school that day, not Jimmy Edwards."

"God," Jake breathed. "I knew he wasn't a good guy by any means, but I never thought he'd…"

"Murder his own brother?"

"Well, yeah. God I wonder how Nathan and Lucas are holding up."

And there it was. The forbidden word. He felt her go rigid beside him and he sighed, thinking it was now or never.

"Peyton-"

"Don't Jake," Peyton warned, shooting up off the couch away from him.

"Peyton, he deserves the truth," Jake pleaded, getting up follow her as she paced the carpet. "Keith deserves to know his father!" Peyton made a sound, but said nothing, continuing to pace back and forth on the carpet.

"What if Nikki had tried to keep Jenny from me, huh? It's not fair! You know it's not fair!"

"I don't want him to hate me," Peyton cried as loud as she dared, spinning around to look at Jake with tear filled eyes. "I know what I did was wrong Jake. I know! God, I kept him from him for almost two years. How could he not hate me for turning him into Dan."

Jake stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. "Lucas isn't Dan. Not by a long-shot because we both know he would have been by your side the minute you said you were pregnant and he never would have left."

Peyton broke down into tears at his words, knowing they were true and feeling awful. "I've been so stupid. God, Jake how could I do that to him!"

Jake wasn't quite sure if she was talking about Lucas or Keith or both. She hadn't yet said Lucas's name so he knew they had some bridges left to cross.

"Peyton, I could never hate Nikki, because she gave me Jenny. I hate what she put me through, yes, but not her. When Lucas sees the son you gave him, I'm sure he'll feel the same way."

"No offense Jake but, him and I are not the same as you and Nikki. He'll hate me," she whimpered. "I know he will and I don't blame him, because I hate myself for what I've done."

Jake shushed her gently and put her head on his shoulder as she cried silently. No, him and Nikki were nothing like Peyton and Lucas, because Nikki was not his soul mate. He sighed shakily and pulled her back a bit so he could look at her.

"Peyton do you love me?"

"Of course I do," Peyton replied immediately. But as they stared at each other, Jake knew that there would be no tomorrow for them. So he took one last kiss, pressing his lips to hers, memorizing her taste and how she felt in his arms.

A moment later, Peyton's cell phone rang. Jake stepped back and turned to leave the room, mentally preparing himself to cut the cord, as Peyton dug her phone out of Keith's diaper bag. She picked up her phone and his voice from the doorway stopped her, momentarily.

"He won't hate you, Peyton…..because Lucas Scott….he could never hate you."

He turned and left, leaving Peyton to stare at the doorway a moment longer, before opening her phone.

"Hello?" There was silence on the other end, but Peyton could hear breathing. She tried again. "Hello?"

"Peyton?" There was no mistaking that raspy voice, even if she hadn't heard it for nearly five years.

"Brooke," Peyton replied, snappishly, missing the nervousness and tiredness in the other woman's voice. "Calling to rub the fact that you have him in my face?"

Peyton didn't wait for an answer. "How did you even get this number?"

"Haley gave it to me," Brooke replied, feeling herself getting just as worked up. Talking to the woman your boyfriend cheated on you with, the women he wished you were was not by any means easy.

"_Haley _gave it to you?" Peyton cried in disbelief. "Why?! There is nothing we have to discuss."

"It's Lucas, Pey-"

"_I don't want to hear about you two_," Peyton exploded, surprising them both with her outburst.

"No Peyton! It's Lucas," Brooke said again, desperately. This time, there was no mistaking the tears in the other woman's voice and Peyton felt that cold pit of dread that had settled in her heart move its way up and close her throat with fear. She knew where it had come from now.

"He needs you Peyton. He needs you now."

**Tip your writers!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Hello kids! Sorry for the wait and sorry about the absurd shortness of this chapter. I'll make up for it with the next chapter which you will be happy to know, I am in the process of writing. Some of you are saying, "oh that's nice lexlady, but where the eff is Bliss? Leyton actually smile in that one." To which I reply "I know! I know! I'm sorry, It's coming. I swear!"**

**Another heartfelt thank you goes out to all of the reviewers who are hanging in there with me through all the angst. This wouldn't be half as enjoyable without you all here cheering me on. Thank you so much.**

"Peyton? Are you still there?"

The other woman had been silent for a while. Only the sounds of her trembling breath echoed through the phone line. After a beat Peyton found her voice.

"I'm here," she managed to say. "Wh-what happened?"

"We're all at Tree Hill Mercy. Haley, Nathan, Karen. Skills and Mouth are on their way," Brooke rambled, nervously.

"Brooke, what happened," Peyton asked again more forcefully.

"He had a heart attack," Brooke whispered. She heard Peyton's strangled intake of breath.

"When?" Peyton squeaked.

"Early this evening. His heart stopped and then again when the paramedics got him to the hospital," Brooke explained.

Peyton felt all her breath leave her as she sank to the couch. "Oh God."

Was that what she'd felt today? His heart before it stopped beating? "Oh my God."

"He's alive Peyton," Brooke said quickly, to reassure her. "But he's in a coma and well, the doctors here don't seem that optimistic and he-um he could use a reason to wake up and right now he doesn't seem to think he does."

Peyton was baffled by what she heard. No reason to wake up? Lucas lived for his family and his friends. How could he possibly think he had no reason to wake up?

"But he has Karen and Haley and Nathan and Jamie." After a beat, "He has you."

Brooke smiled mirthlessly on her end. "Well, Karen hasn't spoken to Lucas in almost two years and as for the rest of us, well lets just say, he didn't seem to think we were good enough reason when he stopped taking his medication for however long."

"What?" Lucas had stopped taking his medication? "But…why would he do that? Why would he do something so stupid?"

"Oh, I don't know Peyton. Probably the same reason he picked up a bottle fourteen months ago and never put it down," Brooke, replied with a hint of resentment she couldn't hide.

Peyton knew what had happened fourteen months ago and felt the realization of her part in this stab deep. She hadn't once asked how he was and angrily, she wondered why Haley and Nathan didn't tell her Lucas had been drinking? Probably because you made it quite clear you wanted nothing to do with him, she said to herself.

"I know you were here last year and that he…saw you," Brooke said.

"I-" Peyton stuttered. Did Lucas tell her that they'd had sex at Tric? She didn't know how much Brooke knew and as she fumbled over her words, trying to detect any betrayal or hatred in the other woman's voice, she thought to herself, so much for squaring your karma.

"It's fine Peyton…Actually no it obviously isn't because…He has been miserable since you left," Brooke said. It was hard to read her voice over the phone and maybe she was just feeling her own guilt stabbing at her core. Nevertheless,

"Don't," Peyton whimpered, feeling tears tickle her cheeks as they raced downwards. "Don't put this on me," Peyton cried.

"I'm not Peyton! Okay? I swear I'm not," Brooke cried as reassuringly as the situation would allow. "But we all watched him as he destroyed himself day by day and there was nothing we could do about it," Brooke exclaimed. She listened to Peyton soft sobs on the other end and struggled to soften her voice.

"That doesn't matter now. None of it does. Peyton whatever else you may think, know that a day hasn't gone by when he hasn't missed you. He-he loves you still Peyton, and he needs you."

Brooke took a long shaky breath after her outburst and said the words that would get her there. "He needs you Peyton….and he needs his son."

Again, Peyton felt her breath escape her and then another hot rush of shame. "Y-you kn-know…"

"Don't be mad, but Haley told me today. Lucas never knew."

Those words were the ones that broke her down completely. Brooke listened helplessly as Peyton sobbed hard on the other end, so hard that it drew a worried Jake into the room.

"Peyton," Jake tried worriedly. He knelt down beside her and placed a hand on her shoulder that she brushed away. She deserved no comfort or kindness. She had single-handedly broken the man that she still couldn't admit she still loved, the father of her child. What had she done?

"Peyton! Peyton," Brooke had been calling her name to no avail.

"The last thing I said to him was that I hated him," Peyton sobbed, the words directed to no one, but herself. "I told him-I hated him!"

Brooke waited for her gasps to subside and then said stalwartly, "Then come back home, Peyton and tell him you lied."

"Why are you doing this?" Peyton whimpered. On the other end Brooke bit her lip. On the one hand, telling her over the phone would save her the trouble of telling her face to face, plus she would have the whole plane ride to get over her initial anger. In the end, Brooke couldn't bring herself to tell Peyton the truth about that night. Not yet. She'd only just gotten the courage to tell Lucas.

"Because it's not about me right now, Peyton. It's about Lucas and what he needs. And what he needs is you."

With another shaky breath, Peyton pulled herself together enough to whisper, "I'll be on the next flight."

Jake watched her as she hung up the phone and placed her face in her hands. He sighed. So here it was….

"It's him isn't it?"

"Lucas," she whispered his name finally. "He's in the hospital."  
That gave Jake pause and he sighed sadly for the man he had once called friend. "No-I mean …..It's him. It's always going to be him," Jake said, quietly. When he'd gone to their bedroom he'd pulled out her suitcase for her and then had gone into the nursery to pack up a suitcase for Keith.

"Jake-" Peyton sighed, looking up at him with tenderness and guilt. But the man shook his head, took her hand, looked her in the eyes, and said,

"Peyton, you're punished."

"What? Jake-"

"You refused to be with him because of some desire you had to punish yourself for hurting Brooke. From what you've told me, Peyton she's hurt you too. It has been nearly two years and although you've put on a brave face you've been miserable from the moment you left Tree Hill the first time. You may not think so, but he's been hurting too. From the sounds of that phone call, probably more than you and I know. And I'm sorry for my part. I've been selfish in wanting you with me-"

"Jake, no," Peyton cried. "You've been amazing. You-"

"I've been selfish," Jake said again. He stood up and took her with him, taking both her hands in his. "You're punished Peyton. You're _both_ punished. Now, go to him."  
Peyton felt tears dripping from her chin, and freeing a hand from Jake's grasp she did not wipe them away, but placed it upon Jake's cheek.

"Jake, for the amount of pain I've put you through, I'm not punished enough."

"Peyton, living for so long without your heart is punishment enough for everything and anything. You followed it back to Tree Hill to him once before. Now go back again and claim it."

* * *

It had been nearly ten hours since they had arrived at the hospital. Not a long time considering her friend was in a coma she didn't know when he'd wake from…if he awoke. But to Haley it already seemed like days-weeks even.

She didn't know why they made hospitals into places you couldn't wait to leave. Wanting to leave the place was a given, but to add the pale lifeless colors of death only made those waiting for it, hoping against it, so much worse. She'd been staring at a horrid watercolor of some Mediterranean town on the wall when a nurse had come in to check on Lucas. She stood back as she worked around him, folding her arms around herself to ward off the constant chill. Another gem of death she wished didn't surround them.

Skillz and Mouth had come by to visit with him and had left a little while ago, both at a loss for words. Karen had gone to the chapel and Brooke had been scarce since she'd come in to tell her and Nathan that Peyton was on her way. The brunette was acting strangely, acting guilty. She would have brushed it off, after all of them were harboring a certain measure of guilt. But it was Brooke's willingness to call Peyton that gave her pause when in the past Brooke had spoken of Peyton with nothing less than contempt. She knew Brooke had a good heart, but no one was _that_ good.

The nurse finished up and Haley stepped forward returning the smile that the nurse gave her as best she could. "How is he?"

"He's holding his own dear," she replied. "He needs time to heal. He's been through quite an ordeal."

"You have no idea," Haley muttered under her breath as she reclaimed her seat beside Lucas's bed. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it, feeling despair claw at her.

She didn't know what was wrong with Brooke and she couldn't bring herself to care either as she looked at the pale unmoving form of her best friend. It was the most at peace she'd seen him in years.

"Lucas," she whispered. The monitors continued their strangely comforting, steady beeps and she let out a shaking breath. "Lucas…I'm sorry. I thought-I thought I was protecting you and her. I don't know why-It's like one of those thing that seems to make sense at the time. I justified it and I told myself that I was doing the right thing…..even as I saw you falling Luke and for that I will never forgive myself."

Haley sniffed, wiping her tears haphazardly with one arm. "I know I have no right to say this these days-especially today and all those other days I saw you hurting because she wasn't here, but you are my best friend. I love you Lucas. _I _love you."

She sighed and silence reigned in the room, save the steady blips of the monitors that continued on and her own sniffles. She found it strange how their lives had come to a stop as Lucas was choosing whether to stay in this life or go. It was as though his destination determined which way they would all turn. Haley hoped that for all their sakes Lucas would choose life.

"She's coming Lucas," Haley whispered, her voice thick with tears. She kissed his hand and squeezed it, praying he could hear her. "Peyton's coming. Just-hang on, okay? Please."

The monitor's steady rhythm was her only reply…

**Tip your writers! ;-)**


	28. Chapter 28

**Hey everyone! Thank you for all the great reviews on the last chapter! I know I made you guys wait an awful long time but, next chapter Peyton and Lucas will finally be in the same room together! Not so exciting when you factor in that Lucas's state of unconsciousness, but hey it's a step in the right direction. ;) **

**To all you Bliss fanatics, I promise it is coming. I've just been very focused on this story since things are getting intense. So that said, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

In those quiet moments before you rise or before you close your eyes to sleep, or those moments you have to breath in between simply going through the motions of living, have you ever asked yourself, "How did I get here?"

We want to believe that our lives are ours what we make of it, that every turn we take is a conscious decision and perhaps, to an extent, that is true. But what of our lives is really ours to map out? How much is fate or providence? And how can any of us know where any chosen path leads when the road itself is long and winding?

* * *

It had been nearly three years since Peyton Sawyer had stepped foot in the town of Tree Hill with intentions never to set foot back in the place ever again. Now it seemed fate or providence had turned the road she had been traveling back towards the place she'd been running from. The prodigal child had returned.

As Peyton stood by the luggage counter, holding a drowsy Keith in one arm and a diaper bag in the other, feet surrounded by their suitcases, she was at a loss, and felt for the thousandth time that day like crying.

She'd been so preoccupied by packing Keith and herself up and getting the earliest flight possible, and overwhelmed at the prospect of returning home to Lucas too late, that she'd completely forgotten about a place to stay and a ride from the airport.

The panic of returning home with a child whose father she denied to herself and everyone else came full force and her instinct to flee would have taken her over had she not been so tired. She was tired of running. Her heart couldn't take it. And there was a man in that town whose heart had given up. Her mind thought frightfully that he may already be gone.

And just as the weariness and the despair threatened to bring her once again to her knees, the sparse crowd of Tree hill airport seemed to part and a pair of familiar blue eyes found her. Eyes unlike his brother's but holding the same amount of caring just the same.

He walked across the floor, hands in his pockets and came to a stop in front of her. He looked down at the small child, slowly opening his tired little eyes on his mother's shoulder. Peyton looked up at him with glassy eyes filling with tears, waiting for his reaction.

It hadn't occurred to her until she was on board the plane that Brooke said, Haley had told her who Keith's father was. She didn't know how she could have known, having only sent her a picture of Keith when he was a tiny baby. She expected anger from him, disappointment, but he simply leaned down a bit to get a look at his face and said,

"How's my nephew?"

"Nathan," she warbled. And then she broke down, dropping the diaper bag on top of the rest of the luggage and moved into his arms.

"How did you-"

"Jake called ahead. He said you might need a ride. And a place to stay. Jamie's old crib is already in the guest room," Nathan replied. "His old car seat is in the car."

"Nathan," Peyton sighed. "Thank you."

"Thanks for coming. I know this can't be easy for you."

Peyton's lip quivered a bit before she spoke, carefully and quietly. "How is he?"

Nathan shrugged slightly. "The same."

Peyton watched him look down, his eyes glazing over with sadness. Nathan Scott was not an overly emotional man and she could read the pain of what had been months of watching his brother suffer on his face. And it broke her heart.

"Nathan, I need to see him."

He nodded, sympathetically and reached down to pick up the suitcases. "I know you do, but visiting hours are over. They practically had to kick Haley out of the hospital."

Peyton looked at the clock on the airport wall and gapped. She hadn't even realized how late it was. She looked down at her sleeping son, thankful that he'd inherited her old ability to sleep through anything including being packed up and taken on a late three and a half hour flight.

"It's just as well, I guess. Keith should sleep in a real bed tonight and I'm sure you must be dead on your feet too after that flight. You've been up for hours," Nathan said, putting the luggage into the back of his Explorer.

Peyton shook her head. "I don't really need to sleep," she mumbled. She knew sleep wouldn't be visiting her tonight either. Nathan looked at her dubiously before opening the back door so she could strap Keith in. He could see the circles under her eyes and the ashen color of her face. The girl looked like she could sleep for a week and still need a few extra hours.

When they were finally on the road Peyton turned to him, the question nagging at her brain through the entire flight spilling out. "How did you and Haley know about Keith?"

Nathan glanced at her. He figured she meant how they both knew Lucas was Keith's father. "Peyton it didn't really take a rocket scientist to know something happened at Tric between you and my brother. The timing of you giving birth seemed off to Haley, who had been keeping in pretty regular contact with Jake," Nathan explained.

"About six or seven months ago, Jake sent us a picture of him and….honestly Peyton we knew as soon as we saw him. You can't mistake those eyes. You just can't."

He glanced into the rearview mirror at the sleeping boy. "He looks like you Sawyer, but there's no mistaking that he's Lucas's son."

Peyton looked down at her lap. She was ashamed of how many tears her life had been made up of over past few years, but in the past twelve hours these tears were giving the amount she's shed in the past a run for their money.

"You must think I'm a monster for doing that to him," Peyton whispered, looking down at her lap.

"Peyton, what you did was wrong," Nathan said in a no-nonsense way. "Really wrong, but…I can't be mad at you completely because I did the same thing. I kept his son from him."

"Why did you?"

Nathan shook his head. As he thought about his brother and how he'd been and where he was now, there was only one thing he could say.

"I don't know."

"Was-was it really as bad as Brooke said it was?"

"I don't know what Brooke said to you, but yeah it probably was and is worse," Nathan explained. "He turned into someone I didn't recognize anymore, someone you wouldn't recognize either. I won't sugarcoat it, Peyton. He's been bad for a long time."

Peyton turned her face away after a moment, shutting her eyes to it all. His words were crushing. She'd always assumed Lucas was happy. After all he had Brooke and he'd always found a measure of happiness with Brooke when they weren't fighting about her. She'd never imagined it would come to this.

"Hey," Nathan called, sympathetically, his voice held a slight hint of panic. When she'd turned away from him, he assumed she was done talking until he saw her shoulders shaking. He hated it when girls cried. He didn't have a way with words like his brother so he'd always just hugged until the girl was silent. And by girl, he meant Haley. Now he sat helplessly as Peyton cried silently beside him.

"I told him I hated him," Peyton's voice rang suddenly. "The night K-Keith was conceived, I said I hated him. Those were the last words I said to hi-him Nathan."

"Hey, they won't be the last," he said assuredly.

"This is my fault," she whimpered.

"Don't say that. We all made choices, Peyton. Haley and I made the choice not to tell Lucas what we knew about Keith. We chose not to do whatever it took to get Lucas help, even if it meant him or even you hating us. Brooke chose to ignore Lucas's drinking and Karen chose Dan. And Lucas…"

Nathan shrugged. "Lucas chose to give up and that's not any of our faults, no matter how guilty all of us feel for the pain he's in. And we all feel guilty. I don't know that I'll ever get over mine because I'll always think there was something I could have done. But for you Peyton, you have to know that…Lucas can live without you, he just…he didn't want to. And from the looks of you, you didn't want to either."

Peyton shot him a look. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I know you're technically not supposed to say this to a girl, but you don't look so hot, Sawyer. In fact, you look like you've been as bad as he has."

"Well thanks a lot," Peyton snapped, a glimmer of the old Peyton Sawyer spark lighting her eyes with annoyance. "It's kind of hard to look like a beauty queen when your ex-best friend calls to say the guy she's been dating for years, the same guy who broke your heart and fathered your child, had a heart attack because he stopped taking his medication. Plus everyone seems to think its fun to feed me this crap about Lucas still giving a shit about me."

"Peyton, it's not crap," Nathan insisted. "There hasn't been a day has gone by since you left that he hasn't loved you."

Peyton scoffed and shook her head, looking away to hide the effect his words had on her. She had tried so hard to lock that love away and was clearly unwilling to believe it when Nathan said he loved her.

"Fine," Nathan snapped, his annoyance bubbling over unexpectedly and uncharacteristically. "Believe what you want, Sawyer. But we both know why he hasn't been the same since you left and we both know why you're here now looking like you haven't slept, let alone eaten in months."

"Nathan," Peyton gapped at him, angrily. "It's not that easy. You don't know what happen-"

"You're right, Peyton. I don't know what happened. Hell I don't even think Lucas knows what happened," Nathan fumed, keeping his voice low for the sake of the sleeping boy in the backseat.

"There is one thing that is a fact in all this Sawyer and you may be too bullheaded to see it, but I sure as hell am done living in denial. Although it's nice to see you haven't changed," he added with sarcasm. "It's strangely comforting."

"Screw you Nathan," Peyton hissed, keeping her voice low, but just as deadly. Things between her and Lucas had always been complicated and painful. From the beginning to the end. He had no right lecturing her about things he didn't understand, she thought. Love wasn't supposed to hurt this much, was it? They had come together twice and every time, all their love managed to do was betray Brooke and clobber her heart.

"You have no idea what you're talking about. He hurt me," she seethed through clenched teeth. _ALL YOU DO IS HURT ME_, she remembered screaming at him years ago. God it all pained her, even now after years of telling herself it was over.

Nathan only rolled his eyes. "I gathered that, Sawyer. You were out of Tree Hill so fast after graduation you left skid marks. And still no one has any idea why. What the hell happened at that party? It has been five years and you're obviously still pissed about it."

"I'm surprised Brooke didn't go around telling everyone," Peyton muttered, darkly, as she remembered the night that sent her and Lucas on separate roads once and for all. The images were still fresh in her brain and still just as painful as the night she'd witnessed them.

Nathan narrowed his eyes and glanced quickly at Peyton at the mention of Brooke. He'd seen Brooke shortly before he and Haley left and he'd asked her if she'd known what had happened to Peyton. The brunette had denied seeing her at all with a nonchalant shrug.

"I had no idea Brooke was even in that equation," Nathan said finally. "All I know is the next morning you had been found passed out on the side of the road and Fergie called me to come get Lucas who was passed out in one of the rooms upstairs. Lucas had no idea how he'd gotten there. There is no one who can tell me why you ran out of there that night before except you."

It was Peyton's turn to pause and she furrowed her brows, slightly. She'd been told before that Lucas didn't recall anything from the night before, but that had been from Lucas and she'd thought he was just feeding her a line.

"Lucas was alone?"

At Peyton's baffled voice, Nathan became even more insistent on finding out the truth and replied in frustration, "Yeah. Peyton, seriously, what the hell happened that night?"

Peyton hadn't told anyone about the details of that night. Not even Jake. It was a hurt she'd locked away and never revisited. Now with all that was going on, she felt vulnerable and cracked, helpless to keep everything within from spilling out.

"I was looking for Lucas. I knew Brooke was still hurt, but I finally realized that our not being together was just causing us all more pain. He'd told me earlier that night that he still loved me and he wanted to be with me. It just seems like every time I pull my head out of my own ass it's to find Lucas has moved on. And it's always with Brooke," she paused, her voice sounded far away and Nathan had to strain to hear her.

"I wanted to be with him, Nathan, but when I found him he was upstairs with Brooke and they were…." Peyton shook her head to block the mental picture, tears burning her eyes at the memory while Nathan made a mental note to talk to Brooke later about her lie.

"It broke my heart. They saw me Nathan and Brooke's look was so hateful, but Lucas just-he looked confused as to why I was even there. It hurt so much to see, after he'd told me he loved me, that I was the only one. He's done this to me before, Nathan. He slept with Brooke after I ruined things at Dan's party. He slept with Nikki after we messed things up with Brooke the first time. Does those sound like the actions of a man in love to you?"

"Lucas is an idiot," Nathan sighed after taking a moment to digest what he'd just heard. "That much is clear. But as bad as this sounds, he still loved you when he slept with Nikki. He loved you when he got with Brooke and I think he loved you even when he was fighting to get Brooke back. He loved you when Keith was conceived, and you loved him all those times you were pushing him away."

"It's not supposed to be this hard Nathan," Peyton cried with frustration. "All our love ever did was cause pain."

"Peyton, Haley and I are proof that maybe it is supposed to be hard. We've hurt each other and we've nearly fallen apart, but that hard stuff is what makes it worth it. Look, I won't deny that you and Lucas are like the worst lovers in history, but that guy loves you. Without a doubt he loves you, Peyton. And you love him too. Otherwise you wouldn't be here."

They finally came to a stop in front of his house and he turned off the ignition. He looked at Peyton, who had returned her gaze out the window. Her arms were wrapped around herself, protectively.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," she whispered, shaking her head. She didn't know what to believe. That Lucas really loved her, that perhaps he didn't remember what happened that night and he'd been agonizing over it for years. She knew what she saw and she knew it had broken her heart to pieces that hadn't come back together yet. Not to mention the night at Tric when Keith was conceived. Yes, he'd said he loved her but, it was yet another betrayal for Brooke and yet another example of the pain their love bought. But despite that pain, she also knew her son deserved to know his father and that no matter how much she wanted to deny it, she was still and would always be heart and soul in love with Lucas Scott. And now we may both lose him, she thought.

Her eyes turned to Nathan's, desperate for answers. "How did we get here Nathan?"

"I don't know, Sawyer," Nathan sighed, taking her hand and attempting to find the words that we have to tell ourselves to keep going after we realize we have lost our way.

"But we're here, and we got to keep moving and do the best with what we've got and hope we can fight our way back on track. It's all we can do. That and hope."

Peyton bit her lip. No magic words, no magic solution, no map. Just acceptance that we do what we need to.

A soft sigh from behind them, and he followed Peyton's eyes to Keith who was stirring.

"Besides that," he added, "there's proof in the backseat that your love didn't just cause pain, Peyton. And that makes it all worth fighting for, too."

He squeezed her hand and after a moment Peyton smiled...and she squeezed back.

**R to the E to the V to the I to the E to the W**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N: Song is from Sarah Mclachlan's Mirrorball CD, You Do What You Have to Do.**

Yesterday had not been a dream. She knew because she'd been up all night thinking about it, closing her eyes and wishing that when she opened them, not only would this all not have happened but that time would have somehow rewound. She thought about all the things she would do differently if she could just get another chance. It's something we all do from time to time, maybe all the time. The kicker is in thinking we would do things differently.

Haley wasn't sure if she would. She was just thankful that she had not gotten a call during the night, well other than Nathan asking her what kind of foods she thought Peyton's fourteen month old ate. But when he had called the shrill ringing had sent her into a panic that had kept her fingers shaking long after she'd hung up.

That was the strange thing about family. A family's road is forever bound to one another, no matter how far of how different a path one might take. She had considered her life with her little family unit of Nathan and Jamie, separate from all of the drama with Lucas, although he remained a constant thought on her mind throughout the years. When she thought of him, she thought the dark road her friend had decided to walk separate from her own. Her own path had been headed towards something better. Or so she thought. Because now it seemed they all stood together in the same place. Maybe she had not taken the path she thought she had, because in the end they were all standing on the precipice of something dark, something that could potentially be very bad for them all. Certainly for the woman and baby downstairs.

Haley let out a sigh.

"Couldn't sleep either huh?"

Haley turned towards the warm, comforting voice of her husband and raised a corner of her mouth in greeting. "No," she huffed, cuddling into Nathan's side. "I guess yesterday happened huh?"

It was Nathan's turn to let out a breath. "Yeah," he murmured, soberly. "It did."

"God, Jamie was awake when I got home last night. He's so worried about his uncle."

"We all are," Nathan replied, brows furrowed in thought.

"So…how is she?"

"Who?"

"Peyton," Haley rolled her eyes. "How does she look? And the baby."

Nathan sighed again. "Hales, when called, he told me I wouldn't recognize her. And I don't. She's still Peyton, but much sadder, less sure of herself. She says she has insomnia and I believe her. She looks like she hasn't slept in ages."

"Oh man," Haley moaned, sympathetically. "I guess things won't get much easier on her up here."

"Not with the explaining she's gonna have to do about Keith," Nathan replied. At the mention of his nephew a smile touched his face and Haley looked at him questioningly. "Keith, though," Nathan grinned. "Keith is the best of both of them, Hales."

Haley's face melted into a genuine smile. "Yeah?"

"He's amazing Haley. It'll blow you away. He's one hundred percent Lucas's son."

The pair sobered after a brief moment. The child that Lucas knew nothing about just added another layer to the tragedy. "God Nathan, that little boy. It just breaks my heart. I know Lucas hurt her, but keeping Keith from his father…I just can't believe she did it."

"We all did it," Nathan corrected dourly. "But Peyton was the one who did it because she was hurt."

"How hurt do you have to be, to keep someone's child from them?" Haley huffed.

"Well, do you remember that party senior year? The one Lucas can't remember?"

"God, how could I forget. Something happened to Peyton and we still don't know what it is"

"I do," Nathan replied. "Peyton told me what happened."

Haley raised her eyebrows and turned to look at him.

"She did? Well, what the heck happened?"

"Apparently, Peyton went upstairs to find Lucas. She was going to try and fix things with him. When she found him, he was with Brooke. From what I gathered they were either having sex or were about to when Peyton walked in on them. That's why she ran from the party and from Tree Hill."

"What?!" Haley gapped, sitting up and turning fully to face him. "I don't believe that," she said, shaking her head with finality. "I don't believe that at all. Nathan I know Lucas Scott and I saw him after him and Peyton parted, _you _saw him. Lucas may do some dumbass things when it comes to girls, but he would have never done that to Peyton. He's too in love with her. He was crushed after they split."

Nathan sat up as well, swinging his feet off the bed. "I don't doubt that, Hales. And I don't believe it either, but Peyton isn't lying. You saw her Hales. You said she was a mess."

"So what are you saying then Nathan?" Haley asked, watching him walk to their closet to pull out a pair of jeans.

"If that's what went down, why is it that Lucas has no recollection of that ever happening and why is it that when we saw Brooke later, she said she hadn't seen Peyton."

Haley furrowed her brows. She wasn't sure that she liked where Nathan was going with this. Brooke had been angry at Peyton and Lucas, but she couldn't imagine her stooping to such a level just to hurt Peyton. Her mind searched for alternatives.

"Maybe, Brooke didn't see Peyton in the room."

"No-Peyton told me they both saw her. Brooke looked her dead in the eyes and it wasn't a friendly look either."

"Nathan….." Haley said slowly, shaking her head. "You don't think.."

"Was Brooke mad enough to set them up?"

"Nathan!" Haley flew to her feet. "You're being ridiculous," Haley scoffed, uncertainly. "Brooke, she called Peyton yesterday to come up here _for_ Lucas."

"Yeah, why? Haley no girlfriend is that understanding and the Brooke Davis we know would not have put up with the type of boyfriend Lucas has been to her. Lucas has been punishing himself, and Brooke has been doing the same. I'm not jumping to any conclusions, I'm just saying something doesn't add up. Someone is lying and I'm going to figure out who."

"Okay hold on there, Colombo," Haley sighed, raising her hands. What worried her most was Lucas's lack of memory and she knew it worried Nathan too. But she didn't want to go there, couldn't go there. Not now.

"Look Nathan, as much as I'd like to play detective with you we have bigger things to worry about. Lucas is in a coma and Peyton is going to need our support."

"Yeah," Nathan mumbled, resigning himself to letting it go for now. "A coma I guarantee you he wouldn't be in if Peyton hadn't of walked in on what she did in senior year. But hey…that's just a theory."

"You may be right," Haley shrugged, pulling on a sweatshirt. "But until you find a time machine to go back and fix things lets just focus on getting to the hospital."

Nathan nodded and went into the bathroom to shower while Haley switched gears and steeled herself to greet her new houseguest. Throwing clothing on quickly she jogged down the stairs, glancing at her watch. Visiting hours would start soon and she knew Karen would need a break. She was anxious to get to the hospital and beyond thankful that Deb was helping out with Jamie.

As she approached she could hear them. Jamie was talking between bites of his cereal and Deb was telling him to slow down. Although she couldn't hear her, she knew Peyton was there and as she walked in she saw not only was she right, but little Keith was with her in Jamie's old high chair.

Standing back, she regarded the woman she hadn't seen in two years. Nathan was right. Peyton wasn't the same. Physically it was the same woman, a little older, a bit thinner, hair an few inches longer. But she looked tired and Haley wondered if she'd gotten any sleep last night at all. What was more, she could feel an aura of sadness around her that felt frighteningly familiar to her. The same sadness had followed Lucas around before his heart attack.

Haley sighed, shaking the many regretful thoughts from her head. Right now Lucas's health was their main priority. They would sort out the rest later. A soft giggle floated towards her ears and breathlessly Haley looked at Keith. Nathan was right about him too. The blue of his eyes shot out at her from across the room making her long for the eyes that were their match to open.

"He thinks I'm funny!" Jamie cried happily, a spoon dangling from is nose. Catching sight of his mother he grinned. "Momma," he cried, making Peyton turn to stare at her. "Keith thinks I'm funny!"

"That's because you are funny, bug," Haley replied finally entering the kitchen, her eyes meeting Peyton's who was moving to stand.

"Hey Hales," her voice seemed hoarse, like she'd spent most of the night crying. "Thanks for letting us sta-" Haley surprised her, by throwing her arms around her and squeezing.

"Welcome home," she whispered, pulling back to look up at her with shining eyes. She glanced down at Keith and added, "both of you."

Peyton looked down at her son and then back at her friend. She didn't trust herself to speak and Haley thankfully didn't push her. Instead she moved to the baby, leaning down to get a better look at him.

She felt her heart break all over again as the child stared back at her calmly, a hint of shyness in his demeanor, and she couldn't help but gasp, "My God, Peyton he's just like him."

"Haley," Peyton murmured, quietly. She was afraid if she raised her voice anymore she would start to cry. The remainder of her night had been spent laying awake and letting memory after memory of Lucas Scott take hold of her. And she wondered what other memories could have been if she had told Lucas that she was pregnant. She honestly didn't know whether he still loved her or not. But, she knew that she loved him and she wasn't afraid to say it anymore. She loved Lucas Scott and she would love him until the day she died. She had said it to herself again and again until she wept. Her new fear was that he would never hear it.

Haley looked up at her and there was so much sadness and longing in her eyes that she felt like she was looking at Lucas. Haley knew what she was going to say before Peyton even opened her mouth.

"I _need_ to see him."

Brooke had been sitting and staring at his prostrate form for a long time now, but she didn't hold his hand or talk to him. She just stared.

She had sent a reluctant Karen home to shower, change, and to check on the café a while ago. Skillz, Rachel, Bevin, Mouth, Fergie, Junk, even some of Lucas's coworkers had all called to make sure Lucas had survived the night. She knew Haley and Nathan were on their way and she knew who was with them.

Yet even with all these people who cared, Lucas had decided life just wasn't worth the effort anymore. And for what, Brooke thought, staring back down at the item in her hands. What was it about Peyton Sawyer that would always have such a hold on him?

She had been cleaning up the apartment from top to bottom when she'd stumbled across the proof. Feeling slightly crazed by the discovery she'd opened his laptop and found his thoughts poured out onto the screen. She opened file after file of his work, knowing that this made her the crazy snoopy girlfriend that no one wanted to be or be with. Unfortunately, she had crossed that bridge a long a time ago. This was just what she needed to separate herself from the love story that was Lucas and Peyton's.

There was a very big file entitled AnUnkindness, a short sad story about a scientist and a comet that never returned, and all the rest….Words of self-hatred, resentment, hopelessness, fear, and hurt. And beneath the pain of every word was a love so strong even the pain couldn't contain it.

And he'd written about her too - _What self respecting woman stays with a man who barely sees her, drinks himself stupid everyday, and imagines he is with someone else when he makes love to her?_

Indeed. Her bags were now sitting beside the front door of their apartment.

The shrill ringing of her phone in her purse brought her out of her thoughts. Wanting to avoid being blacklisted by the nurses as a disturber of the peace, she silenced it and stood to leave the room so she could answer it. And when she stepped out of Lucas's room she caught sight of Nathan stepping off the elevator followed by Haley. Their presence could only mean one thing.

She watched Peyton step off the elevator and as soon as she did their eyes locked. Brooke was startled at what she saw. In all her years of knowing, loving and hating Peyton Sawyer she'd seen the girl take beating after emotional beating and still keep swinging. It was what she envied most about her. But the Peyton that was walking towards her clutching a baby in her arms, looked like she'd gone one last round with the universe and lost.

Guiltily she thought, I've got a little something to do with that. Her guilt, however waned once the woman got closer and the baby turned his face towards her. My God, she thought. This was the child conceived when Lucas had cheated on her. And there was no doubt he was Lucas Scott's son. A son that, had he known would have kept us all out of this hospital. A son he had always dreamed of having with her, because he'd written about it-All the dreams he had involved only one woman. And she was simply the road bump he slept next to, she thought sadly, even bitterly.

Haley shut her mouth and exchanged a glance with Nathan, while Peyton held Keith closer, protectively at Brooke's stare.

"Brooke, is Karen here?"

Blinking, Brooke tore her eyes away from the child and realized Haley had been speaking to her for quite some time.

"What?"

"Karen," Haley said for the third time. "Is she here?"

"No," Brooke murmured, distractedly, her gaze straying back towards Keith. "Just me."

"Um…Brooke," Haley started, awkwardly, as Brooke approached Peyton and Keith with an unreadable expression in her eyes. She took one of Peyton's hands and pressed the item she'd been holding in Lucas's room, into it.

Brooke's eyes looked into Peyton's again, feeling anger and defeat bubbling to the surface. She thought she could handle this, even after finding proof that her boyfriend not only resented her, but wished everyday that she was someone else, even after finding proof that he didn't want to live. She had been ready to handle it all, until she saw Keith.

Confused Peyton looked down at what Brooke had placed in her hand. "What are these?" she asked.

"They're his pills," Brooke replied, through clenched teeth, before walking away, leaving Peyton staring at the spot she had been standing in.

"Oh my God," Haley whispered. Nathan pressed his lips together angrily at the implications. They'd all had an idea, but now the physical proof was in Peyton's hands.

Peyton turned the untouched bottle over and looked at his name printed upon it and suddenly felt sick and angry. He had wanted to die. Had he done this because of her? Was his life that bad? Had she hurt him that much?

The bottle slipped from her hands and to the floor, cracking open and scattering the small white capsules everywhere.

Uncaring of the mess she'd made she turned to Haley, her eyes glued to his room.

"Hold him Haley," she heard herself say, placing her son in the other woman's arms. Stepping over the pills she hurried to his room and opened the door. And finally their stars once again crossed. All her breath left her as she laid eyes upon him again, laying lifelessly on the bed, tubes attached to different parts of his body to monitor him-steady beeps to let them know he was alive.

She lurched forward, almost without thought to his bedside. Reaching a trembling hand out, she touched his scruffy but still handsome face, dragging it down to his jaw and his neck. And then gently she placed her hand over his heart, the other clasped his hand desperately.

"Lucas," she whispered, her voice coming out strangled. It was then she realized the front of her shirt was wet from tears that had been falling unbidden down her face. Now was the time to finally tell him she loved him and pray he heard her. Now was the time to let all of those feeling that had been locked up inside out and hope it gave him reason enough to come back to her.

Peyton gazed at him through blurry eyes, overwhelmed with tears, choked by love….

"You _stupid_ son of a bitch," she cried, lowering her head down to where their hands were connected and wept. "You're an idiot Lucas Scott. You stupid, stupid, stupid man."

"That should get him up."

Peyton didn't even bother raising her head as she continued to cry on their joined hands. Instead she voiced the fear that had been plaguing her from the moment she got the call.

"What if he won't come back for me, Nathan?" She felt his hand fall comfortingly on her shoulder as she cried. "I _need_ him to come back to me."

"He'll come back," Nathan said with the assuredness that they both needed.

"How do you know," she demanded, finally raising her head.

"I already told you. He loves you, Peyton, like I love Haley," he replied. "You just need to let him know you're here."

"He stopped taking his pills Nathan and it's my fault-"

"No-"

"Brooke gave them to _me_," Peyton said, shaking head. "That night at Tric, he begged me not to leave him, Nathan. And I did, for the second time, and now look at him."

"Peyton you can't blame yourse-"

"But I do Nathan," Peyton whispered, wiping away another tear. She hadn't once turned to look at the other Scott, but kept her eyes trained on Lucas. "I do. Don't get me wrong, I could strangle him right now for choosing the dark. But I chose it too. And, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of pretending I don't love him when he is all I think about and I'm tired of feeling like half my soul is missing."

She raised Lucas's hand to her lips. "I'm choosing love Nathan. And I am not leaving him ever again. Do you hear me? Lucas, I won't ever leave you again, but you have to come back to me so I can keep my promise, okay?"

"Just be with him, Peyton," Nathan said quietly. He stepped back. "I'll give you some time. I'll just be right outside."

Peyton nodded and heard the soft click of the door as it shut behind her. Hand still grasping Lucas's she scooted her chair closer and rested her head beside Lucas's, her lips beside his ear.

"Lucas," Peyton whispered. She stared at him hoping beyond hope that he would open his eyes, partly glad that he didn't. She knew that if he made it through this she would have to explain why she had kept Keith's existence from him and he may never want anything to do with her again. And as frightening as that thought was, she was oddly okay with it.

"Lucas, I'm not afraid anymore. I was scared," she whispered, feeling the truth of the statement even as she said it. A line out of a Sarah Mclachlan song popped into her head - _deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you._ That's how she loved him. It never seemed to matter if he was dating her best friend or she was with Jake. She simply couldn't escape it and that frightened her. She had been afraid of loving someone that much. She had been running from her feelings as much as she had been the pain of Lucas's betrayal.

But as she sat by his bedside, grasping his hand, soaking his pillow with her tears, she realized that love-real love- was not only about pain.

"Love isn't just a feeling, Luke," she said into his ear. "It's also a choice…and I choose to love you. I love you, Lucas. I love you. And I need you to fight. I know it hurts. I felt it too, but you need to fight like hell for me."

Like a human being love is capable of so many things, multi-faceted in its complexity. It's what we build our lives out of. It's chaos and hope…and as Peyton Sawyer figured out laying by the bedside of her lover…it is also surrender.

**They're in the same room! I hope that was a good enough reunion, but then again Lucas is unconscious so I guess it's as good as that gets.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Thanks to everyone who has responded to this story so far. The feedback has been amazing and I hope I can continue doing it justice. This one is L/P light as many of the past chapters have been, but there's a lot of LP to come so, hang in there. **

**To all those who are enjoying the angst, I'm glad I've been able to ablige you to a point. I wish I was that angst writer who was gutsy enough to kill somebody, but I'm more of a happily ever after sorta girl...Well...a the ending doesn't leave you in agonizing tears sorta girl. ;)**

**Who knows what stories will pop into our heads with season 6. I'm going to watch, but Mark Lets make everybody happy no matter how little sense it makes Schwann makes me very nervous. He just seems like the type to screw us over at the very last moment. But I am excited for the new season. I really hope Mark does right by us OH so patient Leyton fans and just lets them be together. Lets cross our fingers.**

"Dada?" The child looked back at Haley inquiringly and Haley finally broke. Keith had been cooing the words since Peyton had entered Lucas's room thirty minutes ago.

"Okay, Nathan I think I'm going to take him up to Peyton, and let her know I'm calling Jake," Haley said, getting to her feet. She hiked the baby up in her arms and looked caringly into his eyes. "This must be hard for you. You must be missing Dad huh? You miss Jake?"

"Jae'?" Keith peered around her and then looked back up at Haley who was as confused by the child as she was enchanted. It tore her up to know the Keith was only feet away from his father yet he still called for Jake. Everything about this situation was messed up.

"That's right," Haley cooed pressing a kiss to her nephew's forehead making the baby snuffle happily into her chest. Haley looked back at Nathan with big eyes that said "I want another baby."

"One thing at a time Hales," Nathan smirked as they stood to go to Lucas's room. His smile vanished when he saw who was getting off the elevator to their right.

"Karen," Haley yelped without thinking. She looked down at the baby in her arms and then up at the older woman. Karen, who had been lost in her own thoughts, stopped and turned towards the couple and did a sharp double take. Her mouth opened soundlessly and she approached them slowly, never taking her eyes off the baby.

"Haley," Karen said lowly, staring at the sweetly-smiling baby with the frighteningly familiar eyes. "Who-whose child is this?"

Haley exchanged a glance with Nathan who just shrugged and replied for her.

"He belongs to Peyton."

Karen slowly shut her eyes and kept her next words measured.

"And who is his father?"

Haley knew Karen already knew the answer to that. It was amazing, all the things the eyes can give away.

"It's Lucas," Haley replied with a sigh of resignation. Maybe she should have talked to Peyton before divulging this information, but considering what happened the last time she'd deferred to Peyton, she decided this had to be better. "His name is Keith and he's fourteen months old."

"Keith." Karen tentatively reached out a hand to stroke the child's face. "He couldn't even tell me I had a grandson? Did he really feel that alienated from me?"

"No- Well, I mean, yes he did, but Lucas didn't tell you about Keith because he doesn't know Keith exists," Haley explained.

Karen's eyes flashed at Haley. "Peyton kept his paternity a secret?" she asked, angrily.

"Before you go blaming Peyton," Nathan cut in "You should know there is a lot that happened between them that you obviously aren't aware of. Stuff Haley and I weren't even aware of. She was hurt and scared when she made that decision and I know she regrets it, otherwise she wouldn't be here."

"Being hurt isn't an excuse to keep a child from his father," Karen cried, shaking her head.

"You're right," Nathan consented. "What Peyton did was wrong. But we all do stupid things when we're hurt." He looked meaningfully at Karen. "You know?"

Haley watched the words sink in for the older woman and added,

"Besides, we knew about Keith too and we didn't say anything to Lucas either. It was a group effort and seeing him now in the flesh I can't even remember my reasons for keeping something like this from him."

"We all hurt him," Karen said quietly, swallowing to keep her tears in check she looked back up at the couple. "So I take it Peyton is here then?"

Haley nodded. "She's in there with him now. We thought we'd give them a moment. I was just going in to let Peyton know I was taking Keith to call Jake."

"Jake Jagielski?"

"Yeah. He's the only dad Keith knows he's been asking for him so-It's strange to say when Lucas is just down the hall."

"Can I hold him?" Karen asked, reaching out for him. Haley didn't hesitate and smiled as the child went willingly to his grandmother. Karen bounced him a little and slowly a genuine smile spread across her face. "Hi there," she cooed. "Hi."

"Dada," Keith persisted.

"I know. You'll talk to him soon," Karen soothed, falling easily into her role as grandmother. A sudden thought occurred to her a moment later as they approached Lucas's room. "Does Brooke know about any of this?"

"She's the one that called Peyton," Haley replied, ruefully, before she knocked softly on the door. She opened it and tentatively stepped in, sympathetically taking in Peyton's tearstained face pressed against Lucas's hand.

"Hey Peyton," Haley said "Is it okay if I take Keith downstairs to call Jake? He was calling for him out in the hall, so I figured he must miss him."

"What did he say?" Peyton asked, shrinking back slightly when Karen appeared behind her holding her son, who was suddenly wriggling to get down.

Haley looked back and forth between the women before answering Peyton.

"Um, he's been asking for his dada, since you came in here."

"Dada!" Keith echoed, opening and closing his fists in Peyton's direction.

Peyton nodded, feeling choked up her eyes went back to Lucas.

"That isn't what he calls Jake," she said, finally when she was sure she could speak. "Bring him over here."

Haley exchanged a glance with Nathan and Karen before, Karen walked forward to hand the child over, unsure of what all this meant. She stepped back to look at the small family together. They all watched in amazement as Keith reached his little hand out for Lucas's and grasped his index finger.

"Dada," he cooed, tugging gently on his finger.

Haley pressed a hand to her mouth at the sight. "Oh my God, Nathan."

"That's right," Peyton whispered, placing her hand on top of Lucas's. "There's your daddy Keith. And you knew all along didn't you."

"I don't understand," Haley said, quietly. "Peyton did-did you show him pictures?"

"No," Peyton replied finally chancing a peek at Karen. "I never even mentioned his name," she finished sadly, turning back to watch intently as Keith patted his father's hand. "It was a mistake."

"Yes it was," Karen finally spoke up. The three adults turned to look at her, Peyton with shame in her eyes.

"I know you don't like me for him Karen. I know you wish it was Brooke, but I love him. I love him so much. It took me a really long time to get here and I'm not leaving, until he wakes up and tells me to himself."

"That's unlikely," Nathan muttered under his breath, earning himself a light elbow in the ribs.

"I know you love him, sweetie," Karen replied stepping closer to them. "You love him like I loved Keith."

"I'm sorry," Peyton whispered, swiping away a tear, furtively.

"Peyton, I should be apologizing to you," Karen said, looking at the woman with heartfelt eyes. "Grief is a strong demon to fight and I know you understand what I mean when I say that. It won me, Peyton and I took his joy from him, I made him feel wrong for loving you and I made you feel the same way and for that you'll never know how sorry I am."

"Karen, this thing with Dan isn't your fault, you know."

"I know…And maybe one day I'll be able to believe it. Just like one day I'll be able to forgive myself for the pain I have put him through."

Karen took Lucas's other hand, holding it for as long as should before woke. As much as it pained her she knew he wouldn't want her here when he awoke.

"But Peyton, there's only one person who you need to apologize to about this little boy. And hopefully he'll wake up soon so he can see that he's created something wonderful and that his life is worth living."

"I hope so Karen," Peyton replied, looking down at her son and his father. This shouldn't have been how they finally met. This wasn't how it should have been. "God I hope so."

* * *

"This is the last of it," Mouth said to Rachel, as he dropped the last box of Brooke's items in Rachel's living room. He sat down on the arm of the couch just as Brooke appeared from upstairs. She looked quickly through the box and sighed.

"Thanks Mouth. I really appreciate this," Brooke smiled, turning away from him. "You want something to drink?"

"Sorry Mouth," Rachel rolled her eyes at herself. "You're here so much I just figured you'd go get something yourself if you were thirsty."

"No problem Rachel. We all know you're no hostess," Mouth smirked, before turning to the brunette. "Sure Brooke, I'll have a beer if you've got it."

"Whose house do you think this is?" Rachel smiled.

"I almost forgot," Mouth chuckled, before becoming serious again. "So, has there been any updates on him?"

At the mention of Lucas, the smile vanished from Rachel's face. Brooke came back with three beers and a frown of her own. Dropping down to the couch next to Mouth, she handed him and Rachel one.

"I talked to Haley a few hours ago," Brooke replied. "They're weaning him off the ventilator. Seeing if he'll breath on his own."

"That's good news, right? It-uh-sounds like something his girlfriend should be at the hospital for don't you think? You've been moving your stuff all day long and you haven't been to the hospital once, Brooke."

"I was there this morning," Brooke said defensively. "I can't-I just can't be there right now okay?"

"Because of Peyton being there?"

Rachel bit her lip and looked to the sky, wishing she was anywhere else but in the middle of this conversation.

"Mouth she is not only there, but she's there with the child that she had with him. The child that was born after he cheated on me with her for the umpteenth time," Brooke cried, heatedly. Being noble about this whole thing seemed so easy days ago. Now it was just complicated by the physical reminder of the child and reading the evidence of Lucas's devotion to Peyton.

"Oh…Woah. Brooke, that really sucks. I'm sorry. This can't possibly be easy for you. But um-and I know I already said this but, moving out while Lucas is still unconscious still seems like a huge don't on the list of ways to break up with a guy."

"Mouth, it's just better this way, okay. Trust me."

"Whatever you say," he mumbled, opening his beer and taking a swig. "But I thought you were the one who called her," Mouth said, confused.

"She did," Rachel replied into her bottle. At the look Brooke gave her she shrugged. "What? You did."

"Yes I did! That doesn't mean I'm some kind of saint! God! This is hard, Mouth. It's really, really hard! You don't think I want to be the one he wants next to him? I do! But I'm not and that kid is like a constant fucking reminder. Hell, him even being in the hospital is a reminder."

"Then why'd you call her, Brooke?"

"Yeah, why did you call her?"

The three adults turned to the doorway to find Haley standing in it, arms crossed looking at Brooke with an unreadable expression on her face. She unfolded her arms to gesture briefly behind her.

"You're door was open."

"Haley," Brooke stood. "What are you doing here? Is-is Lucas okay?"

"As well as can be expected. He's holding his own. He's breathing on his own, which the doctor says is really good news. He says it's up to him when he wakes up now."

Brooke breathed a true sigh of relief. "Good," she said. "Thank God."

"I just wanted to come check on you," Haley said by way of explanation. "I um, used my key to get into the apartment and all your stuff was gone. I figured the next logical place to look was here."

Brooke sighed. "How much of that did you hear?"

"Enough to know that this is really, really upsetting you and understandably so. What I can't wrap my mind around, though…" Haley suddenly realized she had an audience. "Can you guys excuse us for a minute?"

"Sure! Come on Mouth. Lets go get some more alcohol," Rachel said, happy to remove herself from what she could tell would be a bad conversation. "Brooke is going to need it later," she muttered under her breath.

When the front door shut Haley turned back towards Brooke. Peyton had meekly asked where the brunette was and if she was staying away because of her. Haley didn't know how to answer that.

It had been a long day for all of them. Peyton had left the hospital only once to call Jake, letting him know they'd gotten in safely and to check in. She and Nathan could only coax her into hospital cafeteria food and the meal had been a quiet affair. It was as though they were all taking a deep breath before everything came at them again. Haley knew there was more trouble on the horizon. The hits were just going to keep on coming.

Haley had also been plagued by the discussion she and Nathan had had that morning. The only other person in the equation that they hadn't known about after all these years was Brooke. And looking at the brunette now, Haley knew why she had stayed with Lucas through all the bad. She had something to hide.

"Why did you do it? Why did you call her Brooke?"

"He's in love with her. He's there because he loves her so damn much he can't live without her. Screw everyone else."

"That's not it, though. Brooke I know you have this amazing heart, but calling the woman who has broken your heart more than once to be at the bedside of your boyfriend….That's a lot of heart Brooke. And it's painful for you because you still love him."

Brooke stayed silent and Haley with a sigh decided to throw it all out there. "Do you remember the last party of senior year? A couple nights before we graduated?"

She could tell by the tensing of Brooke's shoulders she knew exactly what party she was taking about.

"I don't know if you know this, but that night Peyton decided she was going to try and make things right with Lucas." She forged on through Brooke's soft gasp.

"But that obviously didn't happen. She flew out of the party in tears and ended up passed out on the side of the road and has barely been the same since. Brooke, she said she saw you with him. That you two were…you know. Did you?"

Brooke sunk to the couch and placed her head in her hands. "Oh God," she moaned.

"She also said you saw her. Is that what happened, Brooke? You two got drunk and had sex and you saw Peyton there and-you were mad-I remember you being really mad still, so you just rubbed it in her face or something. Right?"

Brooke looked ashamedly up at Haley, who was desperate to try and think of logical explanations to this situation. Brooke had been pretty drunk when she'd seen her….Maybe she just forgot that she'd had sex with Lucas too.

"I didn't have sex with him," Brooke mumbled., looking at her shoes. She couldn't bare to look at Haley when this all came out.

Haley scrunched her brows in confusion. "But, Peyton said she saw you."

"She saw us about to have sex," Brooke whispered. "But it didn't happen. Not after he saw Peyton at the door."

"I'm still confused, then, exactly how much alcohol did Lucas consume because he doesn't remember anything Brooke. Not a single thing and if you can remember what happened, why did you tell us that you hadn't seen him later on when we asked you?"

"Because, God Haley don't hate me okay. I was hurt-I was really hurt and drunk"

"Brooke, you're scaring me. What the hell happened."

"Lucas can't remember anything because he was drugged," Brooke blurted in one breath.

Haley paused, waited for Brooke to start laughing and explain this strange new sense of humor she'd acquired. The laughter never came.

"Wait. Wait, what?" she exclaimed, shaking her head. "How Brooke? Who did that to him?"

"Rachel slipped it in his drink." Haley was ready to go find Rachel to tear her a new one, but from the look on Brooke's face there was much more.

"Please tell me you found this out after the party," she whispered.

Brooke shook her head, slowly. "When I went up there he was lying on the bed. He-he thought I was Peyton. He was so far gone he thought I was her the entire time and I didn't tell him differently. It stopped when he saw the real Peyton. He got confused. He tried to go after her but he couldn't stand."

Haley began to shake in barely suppressed fury. "And you just left him there."

"I he-doubled over like he was in pain," Brooke, sniffed, re-living that night for the first time since it happened. "I thought he was having a heart attack. He said his heart hurt, then he just went limp."

"And you didn't think to call an ambulance," Haley cried. "what with his heart condition and all."

Brooke finally turned tear-filled eyes to Haley. "How was I supposed to explain what happened to him. Rachel and I would have been in trouble. He was fine when I left hi-" SLAP

Haley had taken five large steps away from the other woman after her hand flew across her face. She did trust herself to be any closer to her. She was so angry she was shaking.

Brooke just held her cheek in shock. She never once thought Haley would strike her. "Haley-"

"What is wrong with you," Haley screamed, tears falling down her face. "Do you even know what you drugged him with? He could have died! He could have died Brooke because of _your_ malice! God, I can't even look at you right now Brooke. I'm-I don't know you! The Brooke I know would never have hurt her friends the way you've hurt them."

"He didn't know what he did, Brooke. He didn't know what he did to hurt her. And-God, he _agonized _over that for years. Years, Brooke!"

"I was going to tell him," Brooke cried, flying to her feet. "I swear I was going to tell both of them before Lucas's heart attack. The guilt was eating me alive!"

"Pardon me if I don't feel sorry for you," Haley muttered, stilling her pacing.

"Please don't tell Peyton."

Haley laughed mirthlessly. "I don't believe you. I really don't believe you Brooke. If it wasn't for you, Lucas and Peyton would be together right now. All these years those two suffered could have been prevented if _you_ had come clean and now when Lucas's life is hanging in the balance you-NO!"

Haley spun and marched towards the door. She stopped and turned on Brooke, jabbing a finger in her direction.

"They deserve the truth. Peyton deserves the truth! She thinks he doesn't love her because he's with _you. _This ends Brooke. I swear to God, If you don't do it, I will."

With that she turned around and left, the slamming of the door reverberating through the entire house.

**Reviews are my reward.**


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Wow! The number of reviews for the last chapter was amazing you guys! Thank you all so much for the enthusiasm you've shown for this fic. **

**You guys wowed me so much I thought I'd wow you back with another update. Every once and awhile I get on a major roll with this story and since I'm on vacation this week I have time to write it.**

* * *

Haley couldn't remember being so mad or so disappointed in a long time. As she stormed into the hospital she wondered if steam was actually coming through her ears. It had all been Brooke's doing, she fumed. She had set out to hurt Peyton and what's more is she put Lucas's life in danger to do it. Brooke had stayed with Lucas through all the bad out of guilt for what she'd caused. Through this twisted mess she knew Brooke loved him still. But it all left her wondering if she'd ever really known Brooke Davis at all.

She was so pissed off she walked right past Nathan without seeing him and only stopped when he grabbed her arm.

"Hales." He nearly stepped back at the long frustrated growl she emitted. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"No Nathan," Haley all but hissed. "Not me. What the hell is wrong with the people we thought we could trust!"

"Hales, you aren't making any sense. Is Jamie okay?"

Deb had brought the boy by earlier to visit his uncle. It was probably the first time in a long time Lucas was sober for the visit.

"Yeah, he's fine. Deb drove him home."

"So what-"

"I stopped to see Brooke," she cut in beginning to pace back and forth in front of him. "She moved all her stuff into Rachel's house."

Nathan's eyebrows shot upwards. "While he's still unconscious? That's the shittiest way to break up with a guy ever."

"It gets better," Haley muttered, her face and voice told him that better meant worse. Lots worse.

"Not good?"

"I asked her why she called Peyton. Because _no one_ is that nice, Nathan. _No one_."

"Okay," he said slowly. "And?"

"And I know what happened that night between her and Lucas. I know why Peyton saw what she thought she saw and why Lucas can't remember. You were right Nathan. She was involved. Really involved."

* * *

Brooke ran into the hospital on a mission. She'd never seen Haley so mad or with a look of such disappointment. The worst part is it was directed at her. Coming clean had felt surprisingly good though. She hadn't realized how heavy a burden that secret had weighed upon her. But it was her secret to tell, and she needed to get to Haley to calm her down before she could blurt it out to Nathan who would blurt it out to Peyton.

She wasn't sure why she didn't want it coming from anyone but her. It wasn't as though their friendship could be at all salvaged and especially not after she told her. But it wasn't like Peyton hadn't done some horrible things too. Peyton had slept with Lucas while he was with her and she'd kept that baby from him. That didn't exactly earn her any brownie points either.

In all honesty she was still pissed at Peyton and she was pissed at Lucas too. They'd made her look like a damn fool. The damn roadblock that couldn't get out of the way fast enough for the star-crossed lovers.

She hoped that casually bringing up Peyton's own shortcomings might take the sting off what she had to say. But first….

"Haley!"

She slid to a stop in front of the married couple and panting, she glanced up at Nathan and realized by his face that he knew.

"I-I can explain, Nathan-"

"You drugged my brother!?"

"SHHHH!"

They all turned to find several nurses glaring at them. Brooke turning red in embarrassment, before Nathan none too gently grabbed her arm and hauled her towards the exit of the hospital.

Brooke snatched her arm out of a furious Nathan's grasp and looked at her old friends. Old in every respect. Haley couldn't even look at her, but she could tell the woman was disgusted to even know her. Nathan, who even in his days of being a jackass, still kept his face calm, looked more livid than she's ever seen him.

"I didn't mean to do it, Nathan!"

"You didn't mean to what? Hm? Drug him? Seduce him? Have Peyton see it? Keep quiet about it for five goddamn years even though you knew they both missed each other like crazy?"

"No! Okay, I just-It was a mistake. A mistake I was trying to fix."

"Perfect timing," Nathan growled, waving his arm towards the hospital.

"You're all mad right now. I get it. I'd be pissed off at me too, but you have to let me tell Peyton in my own time and way."

"You had time Brooke," Haley finally snapped. "You had five fucking years to come clean. Don't you dare. You tell her."

"I will! Okay? I will _tell_ Peyton!"

"Tell Peyton what?"

The three people spun around.

* * *

Peyton walked towards the exit of the hospital briskly with cell phone in hand. She had to call Ben and tell him she wouldn't be coming in anymore. She had to start looking for a place to live.

She hadn't thought about details when she and Keith jumped on the plane. But she realized, as she watched her son carefully tuck himself into the crook of Lucas's arm that there was no more leaving Tree Hill. She'd never seen her son so excited, so wide-eyed and attentive. She didn't question how it was that Keith knew Jake wasn't his father and that this man he'd never seen before lying in a hospital bed, was. Just like she didn't question feeling her own heart feeling like it was in distress just as Lucas had his heart attack.

Peyton was shaking on the inside. She believed Lucas would wake up. The doctors said he would in his own time. When he did, she would have to explain to him why she'd kept his son from him and she knew it would break his heart. The very thought of it was tearing her to pieces. But she wanted her family together. She no longer cared about who he slept with in high school or what pain they'd done one another, and it had been a lot of pain, she just wanted them all together. She was tired of feeling sad and it made her think of Brooke.

The brunette had obviously tired of feeling something too. Sad, neglected, angry. Who knew. But she was thankful that her ex best friend had found it in her heart to call her, knowing what she knew. She was sort of glad Brooke had been scarce around the hospital that day. She felt guilty for quite obviously having sex with her boyfriend, even though she didn't know he was with Brooke at the time. She felt guilty for always seeming to come between them. But then again, there would be nothing to come between if the relationship was solid.

Stepping outside she blinked when she saw Haley, Nathan, and Brooke. Nathan and Haley were yelling at Brooke. Maybe because she hadn't been at the hospital all day, she thought. But they seemed awfully mad for that to be the case.

As she stepped closer, Haley was pointing an angry finger at Brooke. "-Don't you dare. You tell her."

"I will," Brooke cried, in frustration. "Okay? I will _tell_ Peyton!"

"Tell Peyton what," she asked, watching them all stop to look at her. "Hey Brooke," she greeted quietly, shoving her hands into her pockets, an age old habit that always made her think of Lucas.

"Peyton," Brooke sputtered. "Who's with Lucas?"

"Karen and Kei-oh...sorry."

Brooke pressed her lips together and shook her head. "It's fine."

"What did you want to tell me?" She asked nervously. Brooke only sighed and looked away.

"Brooke," Haley gestured to Peyton. "She waiting. Tell her what you did or I will."

She looked at Haley and Nathan, who both looked grave and then back to Brooke. "Okay, now you guys are scaring me," Peyton said. "What's this about?"

"It's about that night at the party," Brooke rasped. Peyton instantly tensed up. She'd never wanted to think about it again. Why the hell was she bringing it up? To rub it in her face that she had Lucas? That she's always had him?

"I don't want to hear about it Brooke," Peyton replied, quietly looking away.

"Trust me, you do," Nathan said, folding his arms and glaring at Brooke.

"Look I already know you two had sex ok," Peyton exploded. "I really don't want to hear about it!"

"Except that….we didn't have sex."

"What? But, I saw you. You two were practically naked. You had your hand-I saw you!"

"You saw us about to," Brooke corrected.

"I don't want to hear this!" Peyton turned to walk away, but Brooke stopped her.

"Peyton listen to me! I-We….Rachel and I drugged him that night. When he told you he didn't remember that night he was telling you the truth and that's why. When you walked in, he didn't know what was going on. He thought…he thought he was making love to you the entire time we were together. We stopped, because even as confused as he was, he tried to go after you, because he saw you hurting. Except he didn't make it that far because he-he collapsed. He said-he said his heart hurt. But he-it wasn't a heart attack. I was still angry and hurt and I had to opportunity to make you feel what I felt. So I took it."

There was silence for a moment. Peyton's hand had covered her mouth as everything Brooke said registered. Lucas hadn't betrayed her, Brooke had. He hadn't had sex with Brooke, he didn't even realize Brooke was in the room with him. He'd tried to come after her and he'd collapsed. It made her wonder if he'd felt the pain she was feeling that night before she passed out, just as she'd felt him the day before. He'd been telling the truth when he said he didn't remember. His confusion about her anger had been genuine and watching his heart break at the words she'd thrown at him in anger made her want to roll herself into a ball and die.

Peyton had been silent for awhile and Brooke finally looked up, but only long enough to see a curly blonde cyclone hit her and wrestle her to the ground.

"You BITCH," Peyton screamed. "You crazy _fucking bitch_!"

Peyton wasn't sure who dragged her off of Brooke or how long she'd been wailing on her, but when she stopped seeing pure red she saw the other woman had a swollen lip and a bruised eye. Good.

"How could you _do_ that to him!" Peyton screamed through clenched teeth. She never been so angry in her whole life. Had never felt so betrayed. "To ME!"

"YOU!? How could YOU do that to me AGAIN! I was angry and hurt that my best friend had come between me and MY boyfriend once again after you swore you wouldn't re-open that triangle!"  
"THAT does not excuse you endangering his LIFE! You know better Brooke! How could you _hurt_ him like that? How could you do that to him?" Peyton asked in a voice that was shaking. Her heart was breaking for Lucas and how much he had suffered, how much they had both suffered all because of Brooke's malice.

"Hey, I'm not the one who ran away to play house with Jake," I paid for it. I got left with the pathetic drunken mess that is Lucas Scott, doing everything he can to dull the pain of losing his PRECIOUS Peyton Sawyer!"

Peyton stared at Brooke like the stranger she was. All these wasted years, because Brooke couldn't be angry like a normal person.

"I hope you burn in hell," she whispered before stepping around her and heading back to the hospital.

"You aren't so innocent either Peyton! You kept his son from him! Do you think he's going to forgive you for that? I mean you turned him into the one person he truly despises. Dan!"

"Brooke, that's enough," Haley cried, aghast.

Peyton spun around to stare at the brunette, knowing there was some truth to what she said and unable to hide it.

"Did I hit a nerve?" Brooke bit, folding her arms. "You can hate me for my part in this as much as you like. Why the hell do you think I stayed with a man who pretended I was _you _every time he made love to me then proceeded to drink himself stupid! A man who wrote you love notes every fucking day. An entire book about how much he fucking loves you! I know he loves you! I'm painfully aware of that! But I loved him too Peyton."

"But not enough to do what you needed to do to make him happy. Which was to tell the truth," Peyton spat, uncaring of Brooke's tears. "You loved yourself more."

"You can make me the villain if you like Peyton, but that doesn't mean you aren't one either. Because you put yourself above what was best for Lucas too. Lucas and your son. What does that make you?"

"I thought I was doing what was best," she said. The excuse sounded hollow to her own ears. Nathan stepped in between the two women.

"Don't turn this around on her Brooke. We've all made mistakes, but this one is about _you_ endangering Lucas's life. Lucas wouldn't have put himself in that hospital bed if you hadn't interfered that night Brooke, and we all know that."

"Maybe so," Brooke shrugged. "Maybe, You two would have found another way to hurt each other. What about that night you slept with my boyfriend, hm? You obviously couldn't contain your feelings then. What you saw at that party didn't matter when you were helping him cheat on me. And despite that he still ended up sitting in the dark with a bottle of Jack after leaving me at Tric."

Peyton shut her eyes at the mental image of Lucas's spiral downward.

"That's where you're wrong, Brooke. I didn't know you two were together, until he told me afterwards. I would have forgotten everything that happened, Brooke I loved him so much. But when he told me he was with you, it was like I was reliving that night over again. God! This is all fucked up okay? Lucas and I, we're fucked up with each other and even worse without, but maybe that's just how we work, Brooke. Maybe that's just us, but you know what else keeps us apart aside from our own guilt and stubbornness and angst? _You_!"

"Well, not anymore," Brooke rasped. "Call me when he wakes up. You may be the love of his life, but I'm still his girlfriend."

With nothing and everything left to say the two women turned in opposite directions. One headed for the hospital, where the love of her life lay and one for a life with out the people she'd left behind her in it. But both wondered where the two little girls who had together built a snow fort with a tunnel on that snowy winter day had gone.

**Well, I hope I did this scene justice. Review and lemme know how I did! Oh...and then mosey on over to the M rated stories. I left you all a little present there. ;)**


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: Hey guys, all the reviews for last chapter were SO awesome, so I have to be honest. I don't know how I feel about this chapter. I'm not 100 about it, but I promised a certain someone that I would update by this weekend. It might hit me, in a few days what it needs and I may come back and change it, but that all depends on you guys. **

**Also, my last semester of school has begun and I have to ask you guys for some serious patience. I have a LOT of reading and writing and figuring out what the hell I plan on doing with my life, in the next few months. I will do my best to update the stories, but the updates may be far shorter and farther between.**

**On the upside, it looks like we're in for a season of LP love so my updates won't be as needed, lol! I loved the premiere. I just hope LP has a serious discussion about what the hell went down between them last season. I want Lucas to say this second book was about us and I'm a freaking cowardly idiot who hides with the first girl who throws themselves at me (ie: Brooke and Lindsey). Anywho, I'm really looking forward to the new season. **

**Hi Matt! :p**

__

"Lucas, I'm not getting in that water," Peyton said, placing her hands on her hips.

"Oh come on, Peyt. It's harmless."

"Absolutely not. First of all it's probably teeming with weird bacteria and alligators."

Lucas shot her a look filled with incredulity and amusement. "Alligators?"

She shrugged. "I don't know."

Laughing, Lucas hopped out of Peyton's car and looked out over the stream of water.

"Come on Sawyer, it's hot out. That water is gonna feel amazing. Hey, what happened to seizing the day, huh? Carpe Diem!"

She threw him a charming smile, picking through the giant bucket of chicken they'd bought for a picnic. "Can't we Carpe Diem at the beach?"

"Come on, this is great," he exclaimed, spreading his arms at the isolated forest around them. "It's like out of the movies."

"Oh really? Hm, lets see, that means we're either going have sex in there or get eaten by a giant snake and since we're definitely not having sex…"

"So you're chicken. Makes sense," he sighed. "That kind of attitude goes with your legs-OW!"

He glared at her as he rubbed his arm from the pinch she'd given him. "My legs are awesome!"

Lucas grinned, pulling off his shirt. "Prove it. Lets see the goods, Sawyer."

"Dude, I am not going skinny dipping with you."

"Porter's pool while they were gone three weeks ago."

"Hey! That doesn't count," Peyton cried, blushing at the hazy memory. "We were really, really drunk."

"It's why God made underwear," Lucas smirked, dropping his jeans. Peyton blushed once again and looked away. She hoped he didn't notice and looked back when she heard the splash in the water.

"See?" He called to the shore where Peyton sat on the hood of her car. "Not a snake or escaped pet alligator in sight. Although I do think a bacteria just bit me."

"Ha ha," Peyton rolled her eyes, but she was smiling.

Suddenly the smile from Lucas's face faded and he began floundering. Peyton straightened up.

"Lucas?"

Then he went under. "Lucas!" Ripping her shirt off and shimmying out of her skirt she ran into the pond. "Lucas," she cried. She found him quickly and brought him up, patting his cheeks. "Oh God, oh God, oh God."

But suddenly his eyes popped open and her grinned at her. "I'm ah-liiiiive!"

"Argh! Lucas, you jerk!" She slapped him extra hard.

"Ow," he said, rubbing his arm. "It was just a joke."

"So, not funny!" Peyton cried. He could see she was shaking and started feeling bad. Maybe don't joke about dying to the girl whose anthem was, "People always leave."

"Aw, Peyt. I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it." He sighed as she turned away from him, her shoulders shaking. Dammit. He hated it when she cried. He tried to turn her around but she fought him, and he finally settled for wrapping his arms around her from behind, resting his chin on her head.

"You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. I'm an idiot, okay. You know I can be a complete jackass when I want to be. Peyt, please don't cry, sweetie," he pleaded, the term of endearment falling naturally out of his mouth.

"I can't help it Luke," she warbled. "It's just-it's just-it's just that you're such a sucker!" She cried spinning around to jab her fingers into his chest, laughing.

Lucas gaped at her as she swam and danced around him, laughing.

"Oh you are so dead," Lucas cried, grabbing at her as she screamed.

"I thought you were dead, daaaaarling," she made kissing noises at him and he rolled his eyes, unable to wipe the grin off his face.

"Oh you are so going down, Sawyer!"

"No Luke this water is gross, no!" She screamed as he tackled her under water.

"Do you remember that day Luke," Peyton whispered, as she stroked Lucas's hair. It was day three of waiting. He hadn't yet stirred and although she knew logically it might take awhile and that there would be so much more heartache when he did, she wanted to see those eyes. God, she wanted him to open his eyes.

"I miss those days. They were so…uncomplicated, despite everything that complicated our lives. Doesn't seem like we'll ever have days like that ever again, does it?"

"You might yet," Haley said quietly so as not to startle the blonde, from the doorway. Peyton smiled at Haley and looked back down to the man laying in the bed.

"Hey, Haley. Is Keith-?"

"Keith is home with Nathan and Jamie," Haley smiled. Peyton had been torn. She'd never spent a night away from her son before, but she couldn't bare to leave the child's father either. "They're all tucked in. I just wanted to stop by once more for the night to see how you guys are doing."

"I'm such a fool, Haley."

"If you're a fool, I'm an idiot," Haley replied, wryly. "None of this is your fault Peyton. You have to know that."

"If I hadn't insisted we be apart for awhile this wouldn't have happened. If I'd just trusted that Lucas wouldn't hurt me like that, then we'd be together."

"You don't know that Peyton," Haley insisted. "And your reasons for not being with Lucas were noble. You did it because even though Brooke wasn't even speaking to you, you still wanted to be a good friend to her. _She_ betrayed that Peyton Not you."

"But he's suffered for it. God Haley, when I think about how much he's hurt because of what she did, what I thought he did…" Peyton whimpered, leaning down to kiss Lucas's hand.

"I know, sweetie," Haley said quietly. "I know. This is on her, though."

"But, I ruined all of us for nothing," Peyton whispered, echoing the words Brooke had yelled at her in anger the night they'd been deceived and it had all fallen apart. "And even if he can forgive me for believing my eyes over my heart…I don't know how he'll ever forgive me for keeping his boy from him. I don't know how I'll forgive myself. Brooke was right…I'm just as selfish as she was."

"Don' t let her do this to you," Haley cried as loudly as she dared. "Your selfish wasn't potentially life threatening."

"But it was…It hurt being without him Haley." She looked up at the other woman with tear-filled eyes. "Sometimes…it _physically hurt_. The day he had his heart attack, something happened to my heart too. It felt like someone squeezed it as hard as they could. I thought I was having a heart attack, Haley. It hurt so bad and I can remember the pain vividly. Then suddenly it just…went away. I went to the hospital and they said I was fine. They thought I was having an anxiety attack. When I got home, Brooke called me."

"Well, what are you saying you felt…You felt Lucas's heart attack?"

"I don't know, Haley," Peyton replied, shaking her head slowly. "The night of the party before I collapsed, my heart hurt so bad I thought it would explode from my chest. And now I know Lucas felt it too."

"Peyton, you make it sound like you two are Tristan and Isolde."

"I know. It's crazy. It sounds nuts, but how did Keith know Luke was his father? How did he know? And he's always known Haley. I know it. God….." She shook her head, filled to the brim with aching regret.

"We shouldn't have been apart. I should never have left him and now he-he'll never forgive me Haley."

"Well, if what you say is true-and seeing the way he's been first hand, I'm inclined to believe you-He'll find a way to forgive you. He just doesn't work without you, Peyton."

Peyton lifted Lucas's hand to her lips. "I don't work without him, Haley."

"Do not let Brooke pile on any sort of guilt onto you. She has no room to judge, because as far as I'm concerned she started this and could have-_should_ have finished it a long time ago."

Peyton shrugged and shook her head once again. She knew what Haley was saying was true, but it didn't help assuage any of the guilt she was feeling. Most of her anger towards Brooke was for Lucas though.

"How will he get passed all this? There's so much hurt…from so many people he loved and trusted."

Haley felt her eyes burn at her words. She had thought about how Lucas would react to her keeping her knowledge of Keith from him and every time she did it ended badly. Nathan was his brother, but she had been his friend and confidante long before that. As much as she wanted Lucas awake she feared it. How do you forgive betrayal like that? How do you hope for someone's forgiveness when you can't forgive yourself?

"Peyton, I have to tell you something," Haley sighed, moving to sit next to Peyton. "And I'm not saying this to hurt you, but because you need to know. Before, Lucas collapsed…Jamie mentioned Keith to him. Lucas had known you and Jake were together beforehand and when Jamie mentioned your son, he thought Keith was Jake's, then he ran. It occurred to me and with Luke hopefully waking up soon, I thought you should know," she said insistently as Peyton sunk her face into her hands. She felt every betrayal and every pain Lucas suffered like a blow to her own chest.

"How will he get through all this Haley," Peyton asked again.

"It's a journey Peyton," she replied quietly. "He's my best friend. He has been for over fifteen years. I knew, from the moment Jake sent me that picture that Keith was his…and I chose silence. Now, I may lose him over this, and maybe for a little while when he wakes and finds out the truth he'll stay lost for awhile himself, but love can do amazing things Peyton. I believe that with all my might."

She paused to wipe away the tears that trekked down her face and sighed.

"We make our live out of chaos, hope and love. It's a journey and because we love him, he will find his way home. We just have to do it one step at a time. However long it takes."

Peyton nodded, in affirmation. It had taken her a long time to get here and life wasn't a race. It was baby steps forward and sometimes it was running for your life backwards or standing stock still until you figure out witch way you plan on going. Right now Lucas was standing still. She just needed to help him find his way home. She would save him….

"However long it takes."

* * *

_The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. _

_And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him.  
_

What is it like to be dead? There was many a myth from a number of different cultures going back hundreds of thousands of years. Lucas had always wondered and he thought about it a lot before he stopped taking his medication. He imagined finally getting to see Keith again and that comforted him somewhat. But he hadn't imagined the darkness…or the feeling of…still being in his body. There was something solid beneath him. His mind paused. Dead people didn't breath. And slowly he began to hear a steady beep that he couldn't place.

Confused he moved a finger and then another. Finally he cracked open one of his eyes and then another. White ceiling. His eyes tracked around the room, his disorientation ceasing when he realized he was in the hospital. Dammit. He couldn't even kill himself right.

He was about to groan his annoyance out loud when a movement out of the corner of his eye stopped him. He cocked his head slowly to the side and then froze.

Why was she here?! He felt his heart begin to beat a bit harder and hoped the monitors wouldn't give him away. He desperately wanted her gone, as much as he wanted her next to him. He couldn't turn away from the beautiful glossy curls on her head, no matter how much he wanted to. It had been too long since he'd last seen her face.

Suddenly though, he spied another head of curly blonde hair. Cold realization struck him. Her son. His memory quickly put together the puzzle from the few pieces he remembered. Jake's son. Shutting his eyes he turned his face away. Fuck.

Even more bothered now that he was still breathing, he stiffened when he felt Peyton's hand cover his. Why was she torturing him? He knew at some point Jake would come in and kiss her and they would sit there like a perfect little family and pity him.

"Lucas?" Lucas ignored her, hoping she'd get the hint and go away.

"Luke, you're awake, I know you are," Peyton sighed in annoyance, her voice shaking in emotion regardless.

"We've been waiting for you to wake up. How do you feel," she breathed. He was confused by the emotion he heard in her voice, but he refused to look at her. He decided what he'd heard was pity. He did not need Peyton Sawyer's pity.

"Just go away Peyton," he rasped, pulling his hand from hers. Hurt, Peyton remained resolute and managed to pour a cup of water for him. She placed a straw in it and offered it to him. He grudgingly took a few sips.

"Luke, don't do this."

"What are you even doing here?"

Peyton winced. Lucas's voice was low and gravelly and not at all inviting. She was beginning to feel nervous about the baby beginning to wriggle in her arms.

"Brooke called me," Peyton replied. "Nathan and Haley and your Mom have all been really worried too. They're in the cafeteria."

Lucas did nothing but shake his head, bitterly.

"I was worried," she whispered.

"Why?" He choked out, his voice thick with emotion.

And before she could summon an answer through the lump in her throat, Lucas felt a soft tiny hand patting his. "Da-da-da," came a soft coo. And his eyes and his heart clenched. The child wanted his father and it broke his soul that it wasn't him.

"Get out, Peyton. Your son wants his father."  
"I know that," Peyton grated, tears falling down her cheeks.

"Then go find him," Lucas whispered, keeping his eyes shut tight, hoping the tears that was burning his eyes wouldn't find their way out. "Just go find Jake and go back to Savannah. Go be happy, Peyton. I don't know why you're here, but I don't want your pity."

"Lucas…I don't pity you," Peyton whispered.

"Da-da-da-da-da? Dada!" The patting on his hand became more insistent.

"Peyton, go," he gritted.

"Not before he sees his father," Peyton said, finally. "So, Look at him, Luke."

He couldn't help it. There was something in her voice. His curiosity got the better of him and as his eyes opened carefully again they fell upon Peyton, whose eyes were shining with tears. Their eyes locked and neither could breath. He didn't know how long they stared like that, until the soft fingers, grasped his index finger, and a soft murmur of "dada," was heard once again, shaking Lucas from their stare, throwing him back into reality. A reality where Peyton had a child with another man.

His eyes flickered down to the child's face and once again, he couldn't breath. There were instances when he could see the similarities between him and Nathan. Frightening moments when he looked at Dan and saw physical similarities that screamed that he was his son. It was the eyes that they all shared. So how was it that when he looked at Jake's son, it was as though he was looking into his own eyes?

Peyton watched him carefully, but so far all she was getting was confusion and shock. Keith on the other hand was very excited.

The baby's face seemed to light up once he saw his father finally looking at him and his happiness was communicated with a shriek of laughter. Wrapping, little hands around the guard rails he tried to tug his body closer.

Knowing what he wanted, Peyton whispered to the boy, "Remember to be gentle."

Still looking at a shell-shocked Lucas she carefully placed Keith in the crook of Lucas's arm.

"He likes to sleep beside you," Peyton explained, as Keith snuggled up against his side. Lucas finally tore his eyes away from the baby to rest them on Peyton. He saw the fear and the regret….and he knew. He looked back down at the chubby cheeked child who was staring upwards at him with a smile dimpling his cheeks. His dimples.

"Dada," he cried again, happily. This was his son.

In awe, Lucas opened his mouth to speak, but what came out was a sob.

**Alright kids. Give it to me, straight and review :) **

**Oh! Also I was nominated for a OTH Fanfiction Award under the best leyton category for Bliss. This is the website if you'd like to vote or nominate anyone else: Find Bks-R-My-Crc for the page. I can't put the website on here for some reason. The polls open tomorrow.**

**Extra AN: I don't know how many of you are familiar with the medieval romance of Tristan and Isolde. Basically Tristan is the knight who is supposed to bring Isolde back to his uncle the King. There is a potion that Isolde and the King are supposed to drink so they fall in love, but on the voyage, Tristan and Isolde drink it together accidentally and they fall madly in love. There are several versions and variations, but the one I read has Tristan and Isolde so in love they physically can't be apart from each other for too long. Of course they die tragically one after the next in the end, but it's still an amazing story.**

**Also, I totally yanked the "We make our lives out of chaos, hope, and love," from an episode of Bones. I freakin love that show and that line just really spoke to me. **


	33. Chapter 33

**Hello again everyone! All the reviews have been SO amazing and I really appreciate them all. Here's the next chapter! I hope you all enjoy it!**

**Lexlady**

* * *

The hallway outside of Lucas's room was decidedly…tense. Nathan, Haley, Karen, and Peyton had been outside waiting for over twenty minutes as the doctor checked Lucas over. Scarcely a word had been spoken since Nathan, Haley, and Karen returned from the cafeteria to find Peyton pacing outside of Lucas's room in tears.

"He's awake," she'd said simply to a chorus of gasps. Then their eyes turned with sudden realization to a grumpy Keith. "He knows," were her next and last words.

Lucas hadn't had the chance to say anything about Keith because a nurse had come in to check on him. And upon finding him awake and in tears, called the doctor immediately and scolded Peyton for not doing so sooner. They were both booted out of the room for Lucas's exam and that was how the three adults had found her.

Peyton kept replaying the scene over and over again in her head. His eyes finding hers and asking her if it was true. If the baby cuddled to his side was his. She knew that thinking Jake had fathered this child had broken his heart, but watching him realize that not only was this baby his, but she'd kept him from him shattered hers, because she was watching his own fall apart all over again. She could tell, this hurt worse and it killed her that she'd caused him this pain.

The other occupants of the hall were having similar thoughts. They were all thankful that he was awake, but now that he was, it meant truths would have to come out and none of them knew if he would ever be able to forgive them.

"Has anyone called Brooke?" Karen asked, suddenly. Nathan raised his eyebrows incredulously at her. Before he could begin his tirade, Karen spoke up.

"As far as he knows she's still his girlfriend, and if she's leaving him, it should come from her, and so should the truth about what happened that night."

She had been livid when Haley told her about what Brooke had done at the party. It was yet another betrayal that her son would have to endure from a person he'd loved and trusted.

"I'll call her," Haley said, somewhat grudgingly. Just as she was about to walk away the door opened and the doctor stepped out.

Much as they did the day Lucas was brought in, they descended upon him.

"Doctor Peterson, how is he?" Karen asked.

"He's awake and alert," the doctor replied. "There is some discomfort, but that's to be expected after a heart attack. We're going to run some more tests just to be safe and we'll keep him here for further observation. He's going to need someone with him when he's discharged to make sure he takes care of himself. He'll need to take it easy for a few weeks."

"Can we see him?"

"I would normally say one at a time, but Lucas has requested only one of you…well two." The doctor then turned to Peyton and Keith. "I assume, you're Peyton Sawyer?"

Peyton glanced at the other three and then nodded. She moved to go to the room, but the doctor stopped her.

"He's still very weak, Ms. Sawyer. I am not privy to the details of your family or situation, but he needs rest. No excitement."

Peyton bit her lip guiltily, knowing he was referring to the sobbing mess he'd found his patient in earlier.

"Of course," she said. With one last glance behind her, she stepped into the room.

Lucas's face was turned away from the door until he heard it shut. Turning, he watched Peyton approach him with his son in her arms. His son. Blinking back the sting of tears quickly he looked back up at Peyton.

"Say it," he whispered. Confused, Peyton stopped her approach.

"Wha-?"

"Say it, Peyton. I need to hear you tell me. From your mouth."

Peyton followed his gaze back down to Keith and felt her lip tremble.

"He's your son," she said, feeling her heart break at the lone tear that rolled down his cheek at her words. Keith craned his neck around and clapped happily at the sight of his father.

"Dada!"

Swiping the offending tear away, Lucas reached his hands out and Peyton resumed her approach. Lucas no longer looked at her, but had eyes only for his son. She gently placed the baby to his side so he wouldn't place any pressure on his sore chest and stood back as Lucas looked at him and looked at him. Keith in turn reached a busy hand out to pat his moist cheek and cooed, soothingly to him.

Lucas made a strangled sound in his throat before pulling the boy close to his chest, uncaring of the discomfort it caused. His son. His very own baby boy.

As Peyton watched the two bond she felt torn apart. Oh how she longed to go back in time and slap her earlier self silly for the painful decision she'd made. The stupid, hateful decision that cost them months and what may end up costing her the love of her life.

"Fourteen months."

There had been silence for so long that Peyton thought she'd imagined his words. She bowed her head, although Lucas still wasn't looking at her.

"Lucas, it was a mistake. It was a terrible mistake that I wish to God I could take back," Peyton whimpered.

"You hate me that much?" The break in his voice was her undoing.

"Lucas, _no_-I-I-"

"Just came to have our son watch his father die? Was that your idea or Jake's. Because I know that man isn't stupid Peyton. He had to have known he was mine."

"He did. He knew from the moment I was pregnant. We didn't get together until several months into the pregnancy. He wanted me to tell you-"

"But you didn't." At Peyton's silence he continued. "You were never going to tell me were you. You were never going to tell me I had a son."

"Lucas, I was-I was hurt-"

"You kept my boy from me," he cried through clenched teeth. "My son, Peyton. My own flesh and blood. You took him from me like Dan took Keith-"

"No! I thought it was better this way. Because you had Brooke and-"

"Oh that's a great excuse Peyton. Look, I know you think I'm beneath you and maybe I don't deserve you-"

"No Lucas," Peyton cried, aghast at what he thought she thought of him. "I don't think that. I could never think that-"

"You had no right," he growled.

"You're right, Lucas. I had no right and you have no idea how sorry I am."

"But he knows who I am though," Lucas said, his voice softening slightly. He chanced a glance up at Peyton.

Peyton opened and closed her mouth a few times. "He always knew. I don't know how, but…he has always known Jake wasn't his father."

Lucas 's eyes skittered away, painfully realizing the implications of what she'd said. For the first fourteen months of his son's life Peyton had referred to Jake as his father. Any hope of gentle feelings he thought she may have died right then and there.

"Where is Jake?"

"Savannah. He and I…split up before I came up here."

Lucas said nothing, and Peyton felt disappointed at not seeing any happiness of the news. He only stroked the child's curls and suddenly a thought struck him. "Are you going to take him from me?"

"What? No, Lucas. I would nev-I won't take him from you Lucas. I won't."

Lucas nodded, faintly, watching his son slowly shut his eyes. "Good," he whispered.

"Lucas, I couldn't do that to you."

"Why not," he asked, his voice a soothing monotone, for the baby sleeping on his chest's benefit. "You hate me, remember."

Peyton shut her eyes at the hateful parting words she spit at him. "God-no, Luke I never-I never hated you. I didn't mean i-"

"It's okay Peyton," his tone was almost soothing as he buried his nose in his sons hair. "I hate you too."

* * *

"Hey Sawyer," Nathan greeted the blonde with the red-rimmed eyes. She looked up at him and after a second thought decided not to fool herself or him and kept her lips curled downward.

"Hi," she responded hollowly. Nathan sighed and took a seat beside her on the bench. After the 'I hate you,' Peyton had kept the copious amounts of tears she desperately wanted to cry to herself. Lucas had every reason to hate her and didn't want to further excite or upset him by arguing her case. At the moment she felt she didn't even deserve to argue it. There was no right reason to do what she'd done, so she took his words and his hurt and draped them around herself like a cold dingy blanket.

"Lucas fell asleep a little while ago," Nathan offered. "Haley has Keith with her now." He felt guilty. He knew some of Lucas's anger should be directed at him and Haley, but when Peyton had come out of the room she'd told them not to speak of it yet.

"He can only take so much," Peyton had said. "He can't deal with more right now."

It would be bad enough once Brooke showed up to say her piece, although the blonde hadn't asked about her once since he woke up. And speaking of the brunette…

"Karen called Brooke."

"Is she coming?"

"Yeah. Peyton, you can't be too hard on yourself."

"I can't be hard enough Nathan!" Peyton cried out forcefully, tears finally taking over. "You didn't see him! You didn't see the way he looked at me! You didn't hear his voice when he asked me if I was going to take Keith away from him! God, Nathan I never thought I could be this person! The one person in this world that I love more than anyone and I hurt so…He thinks I hate him and how is he supposed to believe any different after what I've done to him!"

Nathan wrapped an arm around her shoulder and brought the sobbing woman into his chest.

"Peyton, it's gonna take time. We all just are gonna have to give him time. It's been a long time since he's been happy, Peyton. This is about as shitty as it can get and over the course of the next few weeks it will get shittier, but he's got Keith to hold onto now. He's got a reason to pull himself back up. And we all need to be strong enough to help him the rest of the way when he asks."

"Will he ask?"

"I hope so," Nathan shrugged, sadly. "He can't be by himself right now, though and he won't want to be away from Keith…and I know it'll be hard, but-"

"I want to take care of him, Nathan, but he won't want my help."

"Well if he wants to be around Keith, he'll have to learn to live with it. You're his mom. You've got to be strong for him. Can you do that?"

Peyton nodded, raising her head from Nathan's shoulder. After years of Lucas being the one to save her, it was the least she could do for the man she loved.

"Yeah," she said with conviction. "I can do that."

* * *

When Lucas opened his eyes again, it was to find Karen sitting beside him, holding his hand. Her gaze was settled on their intertwined hands and tears glazed her eyes. Against his will, he felt his lip quiver at the sight. He'd missed his mother more than he cared to admit. He still loved her and cared for her. How could he not? For years it had been them against the world. She was the first woman he'd ever loved…but the last person he'd expected to break his heart.

Sensing his eyes on her, Karen looked up at him almost timidly. Lucas had his father's eyes. There was no denying that Scott stare when things got intense, but the gentleness that had always been behind his gaze came from his mother and there was no denying that.

"Where's my son?" He asked with some trepidation.

"He's with Haley getting something to eat," Karen replied. "He's beautiful Lucas."

That drew a smile from the man. "He is isn't he."

As she squeezed his hand a frown took over his face and he pressed those blue eyes into her once again.

"Why did you go? _Why_, mom?"

Karen blinked and felt the warm droplets of salt race down her cheeks. Why did you leave me? No child should ever have to ask their parent that question, let alone two. First Dan, then her. It was no wonder her son clung to love wherever he could find it.

"You know what it is to lose someone, my boy," she whispered. "You love Peyton, like I loved Keith. And when you lost her, you didn't want to function anymore, despite all the wonderful things you have going for you. The only difference is, I never get to see the man I love again," she choked. "And it still hurts Lucas. It hurts everyday. You know."

Lucas took a deep breath and looked away. "But you chose Dan," he growled.

"You chose Brooke," Karen shrugged, emboldened by the fact that Lucas hadn't removed his hand from hers, but was by no means squeezing back.

"We both settled Luke. We both jumped at the chance for love again."

"Wasn't _I_ enough, mom?" Lucas asked turning sad eyes towards her, imploringly. He shrugged. "We used have each other. _I_ loved you."

Karen bit her lip and let out a sob.

"I guess my love is never enough for anyone, huh?"

"Lucas, don't do this," Karen cried, clutching his hand with both of hers. "Don't turn back to the darkness. _Don't_ let it take you again."

"I'm not," he whispered back. "Because there's a boy out there who knew me even before Peyton even told him my name. That baby loves me, mom. He knows I'm his dad even though I wasn't around. Maybe my love is no good for Peyton or Brooke wherever she is……or you. But I'll be damned if it's not good enough for him. I won't mess up for him."

Mother and son regarded each other, at the moment at an impasse, before a knock on the door interrupted them. Karen wiped her eyes quickly as Brooke entered the room.

She smiled carefully at him. "Hey you," she rasped.

"Hey," Lucas replied, looking up at the nervous looking brunette.

"Um, Karen, can we have a minute alone?" Brooke asked, looking at the older woman, shocked to see the unfriendliness staring back at her.

"Of course," Karen said, standing. With one last look at Lucas she brushed past the other brunette and shut the door.

"Where have you been?" He asked, carefully. He wasn't an idiot. He realized that if Peyton and Keith were here that meant Brooke knew he'd cheated on her. He wasn't surprised that she wasn't around, but more surprised that she'd showed up to see him. What was more confusing was her own nervousness. She should have been screaming at him right now.

"I've been setting my things up at Rachel's," Brooke replied, looking for any sort of indication that he cared whether she stayed or went. There wasn't anything behind his eyes, except a familiar fear of being left alone.

"Brooke- please don't-"

"Stop. Please just let me get this out," Brooke said, quickly. She moved to sit beside him and kept her hands carefully to herself. "Luke when you and I got together a few years ago, we were both really lonely. I should have walked away a long time ago and I know you think I'm weak for staying, but…you have to know that I loved you Luke. I love you even now and…you never loved me, did you?"

Lucas opened his mouth to disagree, but no words came out.

"It's okay," Brooke shrugged. "I know you tried in your own way, but you could never let her go."

Lucas shook his head emphatically. "Brooke, there's nothing between Peyton and me anymore," he insisted, although even she could tell it pained him to say it out loud. Brooke rolled her eyes.

"Lucas, you two have a _child_ together."

"A child she _kept_ from me," Lucas cried, before cringing and rubbing his sore chest.

"I won't pretend to understand why she did that," Brooke shrugged. "But he's here now. And if you think there isn't something more between you and Peyton other than that child than you are a bigger idiot than I thought you were."

"So it's done, then," Lucas murmured. "You're gone."

"Lucas…as far as you were concerned I've _been_ gone. We both know that. Lets not fool ourselves and make us something we weren't. I read some of what you wrote."

Lucas turned red with embarrassment and anger and Brooke had the presence of mind to look a bit ashamed of her snooping.

"You shouldn't have done that," he rumbled, unable to look at her now. He felt exposed.

"I know, but it wasn't anything I didn't already know. You still love her Lucas, and it's killing you."

"I don't."

"Yeah….you do," she replied, sadly. Finally Lucas looked back up at her with regret at causing her pain once again.

"I'm sorry, Brooke," Lucas whispered, taking her hand. "I know it sounds trite, but I _never_ meant to hurt you. I guess, I just-I hurt everyone I try to love somehow and-"

"Luke, about that," Brooke cut in, feeling both guilty and uncomfortable with his apologies. "Um-I might know why all of a sudden Peyton couldn't seem to be in the same room as you senior year..."

**I know. How much do I suck! :p On the bright side, I'll be posting a new chapter of Bliss soon, so hopefully that'll make up for my leaving this chapter here. **

**Press that button and leave me some sugar.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Hi guys! I know this is a bit short for me, but I know you guys deserve SOMEthing for being so awesome and patient. But here's the thing about this story. I know how I want to end it for the most part and I have things written. It's all the pesky stuff in between, so you are going to have to bear with me even more than you already are with this particular story. If anyone has any suggestions, please message. I am all for suggestions, although I am sure I'll figure something out. :) **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Lucas's eyes narrowed unaware of Brooke's knowledge of the hellish last days of their high school career. He supposed it made sense that she knew of the events of the party and what happened to Peyton subsequently. It had been the subject of rumor mills even at their graduation. He'd simply been too consumed by trying to figure out what it was he could have possibly done to hurt the woman he loved to notice.

His memory of that night never did return to him. Sometimes he had curious dreams that involved Peyton standing in a doorway wearing a heart broken expression, or of him and Peyton together in a way that couldn't be anything but sheer fantasy. He'd only made love to Peyton a handful of times, that one night in her room. He would be shocked at how vividly painful those memories still were if not for the fact that the pain had simply never left him.

"Why would you know anything about that?" He asked. Brooke scooted her seat back a bit and then stood to pace the room. She doubted he was in any condition to jump up and throttle her, but better safe than sorry.

"Okay…um-Wow, this is hard," she sighed. "Um-That night at the last party? That night you can't remember….There's a reason, you can't remember it."

"Do you remember Rachel talking to you?"

Still confused, and now wondering how Brooke knew he'd lost his memory of parts of that night, he nodded faintly.

"Yeah, she-sort of…It's hazy," he mumbled.

"She gave you a beer and managed to get you upstairs."

Lucas didn't like where this was going and it didn't help that Brooke was having a hard time spitting it out. "Did-did I-and Rachel?"

"No, Luke, just let me get this out okay. You didn't have sex with Rachel….but she did slip you something-"

"Wait…." He stared incredulously at her and tried to sit up a bit. "_What_? She _drugged_ me?"

Brooke took a large shaky breath and another step backwards. This was by far worse than telling Haley or even Peyton. "That's probably why you can't remember…what happened afterwards."

"_Why_?!" he cried. "Why would she do that?"

Brooke gulped. "You talked to Peyton that night at the party. I was outside with Rachel when you did. You said…she was the one you wanted next to you when your dreams came true and that once before when she'd asked you, you said me and you didn't mean it. I was still _so _hurt Lucas, so when I went upstairs and saw that Rachel had drugged you and you looked at me and you called me Peyton-"

Lucas's mouth fell open and he unconsciously rubbed his chest as the stress of her words settled over him.

"You _knew_ I was drugged," he hissed.

Brooke shame-facedly looked up at him and caught his movements and began to worry. "Lucas, should I get a nurs-"

"Finish it Brooke," Lucas spat, shaking his head. "Tell me."

"Well I- and I know it was wrong-I responded to you-And things sort of progressed from there."

"We had sex?"

Brooke winced at his forceful and more than unhappy tone. "We didn't get that far." Brooke took a small breath that did nothing to calm her before dropping the next bombshell.

"Peyton walked in on us."

Lucas's eyes slammed shut and suddenly everything made sense. Her disgust with him, her anger, her tears. Why she'd left Tree Hill with Jake had all been because she thought he'd betrayed every promise he made to her with Brooke.

"You tried to go after her, but you could barely walk and then you collapsed."

All that dread he'd felt the next morning and couldn't place; all those years of wondering what could possibly make Peyton look at him that way, and past all that anger he could remember even now, that there had been hurt. Hurt that Brooke caused her.

"So, this was revenge then? Revenge for hurting you," he said in a low, dangerous tone that made her wish he was yelling instead.

"No! Well, yeah….I-I guess so," Brooke shrugged, twisting her hands together. "Lucas I'm sorr-"

"And what about the past five years? Was that revenge for…what Brooke? My drinking," his voice began rising with every question. "My treating you like a doormat? My acting like a piece of my _soul_ was missing?!"

"Lucas I've been hurting too," Brooke cried. "You think it has been easy knowing your mind has been off somewhere else all this time? Even when you were having sex with me Lucas-Even when you were inside _me _all you could think about was _her._ I've known Lucas! I've always known and I stayed, because-because I know that if it weren't for me, you'd have been with her."

Lucas turned his face away unable to bear the sight of her and concentrated on breathing. He couldn't remember being this angry ever, not even with Peyton. What he felt with Peyton was more hurt than anger.

"You think that makes you some type of martyr Brooke?! After five years of silence and because you stayed with the mess _you_ made!"

Brooke's mouth dropped open and thrust a finger at him, refusing to take responsibility for all of it. "I didn't put that bottle in your hand and I didn't tell you to _stop taking your medication_! How could you be so stupid! So careless!"

"Says the woman who had me drugged," Lucas sneered.

"What is going on in here?"

Brooke turned shame-facedly to find an angry nurse glaring at them with arms akimbo. "This is a hospital. Mr. Scott just suffered a major heart attack and he and every other patient on this floor needs rest not a screaming match."

"She was just leaving," Lucas gritted, turning his gaze back to Brooke and pinning her with an icy stare. "And she's not coming back."

Brooke pursed her lips together and nodded, having expected no less.

"Fine," she rasped. "But, you can't cut everyone out of your life Lucas. Nathan and Haley, your mom and Peyton."

"I'm not. Haley and Nathan didn't betray me," Lucas snapped.

Lucas blanched at the sad look that flitted across Brooke's face when he said that.

"Did they?"

Her silence was all he needed, for his mind to race back towards his last memory; of Jamie talking about Peyton's son,

****

_"__Peyton _had a baby, Luke but…"

His brother's voice far behind him yelling, "_Tell_ him, Haley!""Lucas! Please listen to me,"she cried, trying to grab a hold of his arms as he paced aimlessly, back and forth.

_"It should have been me," he whimpered to himself. "It's not fair. It should have been me."_

"Lucas, Lucas you don't understand-It _is_ you!

Lucas opened and closed his mouth and looked up at Brooke.

"They knew," he breathed. Brooke remained silent and Lucas slumped back into the bed. "They knew about my son and they didn't tell me."

"Lucas-"

"Get out," he gritted, blinking back tears turning his face away from the two women in the doorway. Brooke bit her lip, wanting to say more, wanting to comfort the slumped figure in the bed, choking back lonesome tears, but knowing she'd said more than enough. She left without another word.

"Sorry about that," he murmured to the nurse whose annoyance had dissipated when she saw all the fight go out of Lucas.

"It's okay, honey. You all are better than television." She winked kindly at him and he managed to lift a corner of his mouth for her.

"You just need to rest so you can get back home to your family."

The word family had never been so painful to Lucas, even when he learned that Dan had not only abandoned his mother, but had never wanted him. He wondered sadly at the family he had left. He'd been betrayed by the people he loved the most. All of them. These betrayals had cut his heart more than any heart attack ever could.

Quietly, he said aloud. "I don't have any family left."

"Well that's not true. Isn't that little guy with the curly blonde hair yours? Anyone can see that's your boy. He has your eyes."

"Yes he is." Lucas looked past the nurse to find Karen standing at the door. She had seen the tail end of Brooke's visit and watched as her son realized that there was no one in his life who hadn't hurt him, heard him say he had no family and watched him take a backwards step into the dark that he'd unconsciously fought his way out of. She to remind him

"That's his little boy," Karen said, her eyes locked upon her son's.

He stared at her and saw in her eyes the understanding that only she could have, a look he remembered seeing as a little boy. That look-that _motherly_ look that most women are blessed with when they have a child.

"Yeah," Lucas echoed, smiling genuinely for the first time all day. "He is."

"Well, it may not be a lot, but you do far worse then that sweet little boy," the nurse smiled. "Get some rest Mr. Scott."

The nurse left quietly as Karen made her way farther into the room.

When Lucas didn't say anything, she decided to fill the silence. "So there's a rumor that you might get out of here tomorrow," she said. "I ran into your doctor in the hallway and-"

"Mom," Lucas finally said, looking down upon his bed sheet and the up towards her. "I can't say that I'm not still upset or…hurt-"

"Luke-"

"Let me finish. Please." Karen nodded, unconsciously wringing her hands together. "When you chose Dan…It hurt mom. It hurt because I knew it was my fault that you let him into your life. Because if I hadn't gone into that school that day Keith would still be here. And I miss him so much right now," he choked. " I just want to talk to him and ask him what to do."

Karen wiped a tear off her cheek in futility as another quickly replaced it.

"I miss him everyday mom," Lucas whispered, wiping a tear of his own away quickly. He looked up at her then and Karen held her breath. "But I know you miss him too. Maybe more. I know how it feels, to lose someone."

"Peyton is still alive sweetheart," Karen said, sitting at the side of his bed. "I know you missed her when she left and I know you still love her."

Lucas looked away. He didn't want to think about it. Thinking about her was still far too painful and confusing, now knowing the truth about why she left. He knew she was justified. He couldn't imagine how he'd feel if their places had been reversed, but she had still kept his boy from him; the one shining light in his life at that moment.

Because of that light, his son, he knew he had to make some major changes in his life. He couldn't continue on the path he'd been on and he couldn't continue to wallow. He had his answers about why Peyton left, but there was just far too much pain between them, too many years for it to make a difference to him now. Now, all that mattered was getting his life back together and becoming the man his son deserved, the man Keith would have wanted him to be. And that meant, taking the first step in forgiving his mother.

"Can I come home?"

Karen felt a new batch of tears burning her eyes. The weight of her son's first step to forgiveness filling her heart to bursting.

"Of course, my boy."

**Let me know how this went. I feel like there was so much prior drama that Lucas finding out the truth might have fell a bit flat. I don't know. I'm not the happiest with this chapter and it may have to do with the fact that I'm not sure where to take it from here. Anywho, review!**


	35. Chapter 35

**Hi everyone,**

**A whole lot of stuff has happened in the past couple months. I graduated from college, I turned 27, and my computer crashed taking all of my written work including chapters I was working on for Bliss, Journey, and Bear Witness.**

**I have been looking for jobs and trying to figure out what to do with my writing since December and neither of those things are going as I'd hoped. I have also lost a lot of interest in One Tree Hill. The show for me is substandard despite all of our LP dreams coming true.  
**

**I think it is simply time for me to go out there and get my life started; find my own love story. I was also disconcerted when I recieved a review for Bliss from a person who I believe might have been underage. As you know some of my material is pretty graphic in its smut and it just doesn't sit well with me that young people are reading it.**

** I cannot tell you how sorry I am that I will not be finishing these projects, and I cannot express how thankful I am to all of the fans who have taken the time to review and stick with me for so long. I feel like I've let you down as you have all been so patient with me. So, perhaps I can somehow remedy this by offering up my stories to anyone who would like to take them on. I could edit and give you ideas. If anyone is interested please contact me. If not, well....Its been awesome.**

**Best,**

**Laura aka Lexlady  
**


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